Contact expections of father of children in LA care

[VD2ER]

I am going through the process of final court hearings which will determine if the threshold has been met against the mother.

A psychologist was appointed and there are grounds of insecure attachment where the children have expressed a desire to limit times with me in favour of their mother. Their time with their mother has been reduced due to her behaviour.

Although I have a successful parenting assessment I am not willing to look after the children, for the simple reason they want to be with their mother and conscious how easy as a male to be discarded as a father from a single complaint.

Currently I am seeing the children unsupervised once a fortnight and Teams for an hour in between.

Talking to others on this subject different local authorities have different ideas on contact. It is safe to say this one is adverse to contact with the father and seems very much anti-parent.

Is there any legal precedence in case law for a non-fault father who has engaged with the LA to be able to have contact times extended such I can take holidays with them? I find it very hurtful that they are going on a holiday for a few days with their carers yet I can't make use of a number of holiday opportunities I have access to. To my face they have shown an interest in going away with me.

[Winter25]

Hi VD2ER,

I know you are navigating a very painful and heavy heavy thing right now, but you need a completely honest reality check about how the Family Court views this before you go into those final hearings.

To answer your specific question about case law no there is no legal precedent that grants a father expanded contact or holidays simply as a reward for not being the one at fault. The Family Court does not operate on a "fault" or "non-fault" basis it operates entirely on the Welfare Principle.

The biggest hurdle you have right now, and the elephant in the room that the judge will definitely be looking at, is your decision to pass a parenting assessment but refuse to actually care for the children full-time.

While your fear of false allegations is understandable on a personal level and I do understand that, the court will view this as you choosing your own safety over your children's need for a permanent home. By stepping back from full-time care, you have effectively told the Local Authority that the foster carers must provide the children's primary stability. That is why the carers are taking them on holiday, it is part of normalizing their primary placement. To a judge, a father asking for holiday contact while refusing daily care can look like a parent who only wants the "fun" parts of parenting.

That being said, because you are having unsupervised contact, you do have rights under Section 34 of the Children Act, which states the LA must allow reasonable contact. Stop framing this to them as an "anti-father" issue, and start framing it purely around the children's welfare.

You should ask for their reasons in writing to force their hand. Send the social worker a simple email saying:

"Given that my contact with the children is already unsupervised, and they have indicated they would like to spend more time with me, please can you confirm in writing the Local Authority’s current position on progressing contact in a staged way. If the LA does not agree to progression, please explain the welfare reasons for that decision and how it fits with the children’s care plan."

If they refuse, you are forcing them to legally justify why, rather than just arguing with them in meetings. Focus on being consistently present for the contact you do have, and let the court process play out.
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding assessments.

[VD2ER]

Many thanks for your reply.

I have experience of older children who wanted to be looked after by their mother rather than me. One would run away to their mother and it didn't turn out well and sadly we are all estranged and beyond any reconciliation. I don't want history to repeat.

I have come to the conclusion that when the LA say jump I have to ask how high, and also get on with life and accept life without them. They can go on holiday with their carers and at least the Social Worker enjoys telling me so.

Not so long ago the LA built up my hopes and expectation and now they are dashed with promised times with my children not materialising.

Yes, I accept things are like this from not wanting to look after them, but my hope was that over time my children would come to wish to come to live with me rather than forcibly so, where the children are well attuned towards their mother's hate towards me. They have already told the guardian they prefer to live with their carer and I do believe the carer is doing well. However the reality is the LA are reinforcing that attachment insecurity but I guess as long as I am there for them in the future then that is all I can do.

The mother is a classical narcissist who ticks all the boxes for the condition though it is notable that psychologists now simply call this a personality disorder. I had passed to the dark side a while ago and respect there is no going back. I went through hell in the process.

[Winter25]

Hi VD2ER,

It sounds like this is hitting you on two levels at once. You aren't just fighting what is happening now but you are fighting the ghost of what happened with your older children. That kind of history can make the current situation feel less like a legal case and more like watching the exact same loss happen all over again. It makes sense why you want to step back to avoid triggering that same cycle.

However, you need to be very careful not to let yourself slide from knowing you can't force them to live with you, into believing you just have to accept life without them. Those are two entirely different things. There is a middle ground here, and it is usually where fathers get lost if they aren't careful. You may not be their main carer right now, but you still need to stay emotionally present, consistent, and quietly push for your contact to be meaningful. If you withdraw too much, the Local Authority will simply settle into a routine where you become more and more peripheral, and a year from now, everyone will act as if that happened naturally. It doesn't happen naturally, it happens by system drift, and you have to actively fight that drift.

A piece of crucial advice for your final hearings though, be extremely careful about how you frame the mother to professionals. You may be absolutely right that she is a classic narcissist who has dragged you through hell, but the moment you use labels like that or mention the "dark side" to social workers or judges, they stop hearing your pain. Instead, they just label you as a "high conflict" parent. The much stronger, safer line to use is simply that the children appear heavily influenced by longstanding parental dynamics and loyalty conflicts, and you are actively trying not to make that pressure worse for them by forcing a placement. That makes you look like the protective, insightful parent.

Stop arguing with the social worker about fairness or holidays, it will not work as they will just use that to paint you as bitter. Instead, send them a simple, calm email asking them to put their strategy in writing. Tell them you understand the children are settled and have expressed a preference to remain in their placement, but you remain concerned that contact is not being progressed in a way that supports your long-term relationship. Ask them to clarify in writing what the Local Authority's current plan is for maintaining and developing your relationship over time, and whether there is any intention to build contact beyond the current pattern. Tell them you are not seeking to destabilize the placement, but you want to ensure your role in their lives is not allowed to reduce by drift.

Pick your ground carefully, stop hoping they will voluntarily give you more than they have to, and focus purely on preserving the relationship. That is a fight you can actually win.

Below is an email draft you can use
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Dear [Social Worker],

I understand that the children are currently settled in their placement and that they have expressed a preference to remain there at present.

However, I remain concerned that contact is not being progressed in a way that supports my long-term relationship with them. I would be grateful if the Local Authority could clarify in writing what the current plan is for maintaining and developing my relationship with the children over time, including whether there is any intention to build contact beyond the current pattern.

I am not seeking to destabilise the children’s placement, but I do want to ensure that my role in their lives is not allowed to reduce by drift.

Kind regards,
[Name]
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding assessments.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear VD2ER

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your further posts. This is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

You are now approaching the final hearing in the care proceedings for your children who are being cared for by a foster carer whom you acknowledge is doing well.

You explain your reasons for being unable to care for the children and that you would very much like to have the best relationship you can with them now and in the future including having opportunities to take them on holidays. Your contact with the children is unsupervised. You are wondering how to progress your wish for extended contact and whether there are legal precedents.

Decisions around contact between children and their parents are based on the children’s best interests and are specific to the children’s circumstances. Another point to remember is that contact is fluid. The children’s needs and wishes may change as they develop; this is one of the reasons why contact arrangements are regularly reviewed. In some situations, children’s services may consider agreeing to children having a holiday with their parent. This is not the norm though but as mentioned is specific to the individual children's needs and circumstances as determined by children's services and/or the court. So, in your situation I would suggest that there are 2 steps that you can consider:

1) Asking your solicitor to put your request forward to the court (as the case is still in proceedings) for consideration by all parties including the children’s guardian. You can also ask your solicitor if they are aware of any relevant case law that would support your argument.
2) Continuing to attend your children’s Looked After Child reviews, asking your children’s social worker and their IRO to consider your proposal to move towards extended contact to facilitate a longer period with you such as going on holiday. The children’s views will be important too.

If the court makes a care order to children’s services at the final hearing, then it will be a good idea to find a way of working constructively and consistently with children’s services although I understand that can be challenging. Our tips for working with a social worker are there to try to help parents manage this.

Please revisit our advice pages about children in care under a care order for information about children’s services duties and tips for parents on discussing contact with their children’s social workers.

As another parent has suggested, in the future you could consider applying for a section 34 contact order if you’re unhappy with the contact you are having with your children and are unable to resolve this with children’s services.

I am very sorry to hear that you and your older children have become estranged. I understand that this may be very distressing. There is a charity called Stand Alone for people in this difficult situation. you can find their contact details here.

You are very clear that you don’t want to become estranged from your younger children. By continuing to work with children’s service and by accessing legal and practice advice you are continuing to be involved and retaining your relationship with your children which you can hopefully build on.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[VD2ER]

I would like to thank you and Winter25 for your thoughts.

I find it interesting you mention I should attend "Looked After Child reviews".

I have written emails and completed forms to the IRO the contents have never made it to the reviewing minutes and the box is ticked that I attended the review. That is despite not being told the venue and time of the review and hence not attending. A note is in the review that I did not attend but made written representations.

In the bundle it is claimed that neither parent was allowed to attend due to the mother's anticipated behaviour. The fact I am now liaising directly with carers for handovers is evidence of my exemplary behaviour.

Some of my concerns over time with the children has been allayed with an agreed roadmap. The increased and increasing time with them is positive step to earning their trust.

I actually feel the SWs are listening but aware that this is how it gets before a court hearing. I feel like on a lead where you're offered a treat and then yanked back.

The mother has also been given a sequence of changes and expectations for her to be re-unified with our children. I am saddened that she has changed little and she will fail at the impending hearing to care for the children. If anything, over time, the stipulations over her family time with her children has grown with her poor behaviour.

Thanks for the Stand Alone link. However things have gone to far for any reconciliation. The mother (currently involved with proceedings) thought she would be kind enough to stir up the hornets nest so to speak with my older family. The last words from my older son were "you're dead to my sons" and I would like to leave things with my older family there on that note.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear VD2ER,

Thank you for your response.

You say that you do not attend the looked after child reviews but instead you have been asked to complete forms and you have sent emails with your views. This is of course not the same as attending the reviews, so if you would like to attend your children’s looked after child reviews then I would suggest that you speak with the IRO and the social worker about this. You say that it was noted in the court bundle that you were not allowed to attend due to concerns about the mother’s behaviour. Whether you are allowed to attend the reviews should be always a matter for discussion, and if you feel that you have demonstrated that you are able to attend the reviews constructively then you should discuss this with the IRO and social worker.

I am sorry to hear how difficult things have become between yourself and your older son and imagine this must be very upsetting for you. I hope that you have some emotional support and someone to talk with about this.

I am glad to hear that your contact time with your younger children is increasing and only hope that this continues in the right direction for you all.

Please do post again with further queries or updates as things progress for you.

Best wishes,
Suzie