Advice needed - I screwed up big time

[Stressedmommy95]

Before you judge, please know I’m not a bad person. I made a terrible mistake.
My child is already on a CIN due to her being severely disabled.
I have 2 children with my husband. We have a stable home. He did get into some trouble before we had children, but was all dropped. It was silly stuff like drunk and disorderly and the odd fight.
My husband had an affair in the summer. It destroyed me. We never really discussed things. I won’t argue in front of the children. My daughter was also on a part time timetable at school. My son, at nursery, on an opposite timetable. I felt like I wasjuggling the world. My son is also disabled. Neither child sleeps well either.
I have some past trauma that I also never dealt with.
I said I forgave my husband but never did.
Then the weekend happened. We spent time together. And we got drunk. My children were at home with my brother.
After a row, and my husband putting his arms around me to calm me down. I went delusional.
I got home in a taxi. Locked him out. And accused him of assault. I also told them he knocked my teeth out. That never happened. It happened with my friend in a bar. A guy elbowed me while dancing. It was awful. My husband was at home with the children.
I feel like the biggest fool.
I am so ashamed.
He was arrested and questioned. Released with no charge. I wasn’t harmed nothing happened. The children didn’t hear anything. They were asleep in bed. I didn’t even write a statement. And told the DV team the following day the truth.
I was sick to my stomach on Sunday knowing what I had done. It was done out of delusional and past trauma. It was done irrationally. I am disappointed in my self.
I knew if police were called, they would contact social services. So I contacted my social worker. I told her everything. I gave her my friends name of who I was with that night. Me and dad have separated. They have said he can visit the children at home as usual, but for me possibly go out for a while to avoid conflict. It was a recommendation.
Me and dad have been talking on the phone.
I went to the doctors and been given antidepressants and therapy referral.
I’ve not heard from my sw since Monday. She said she wanted to speak to the arresting officer. She made sure I wasn’t a victim of dv and kept asking. I am not a victim of dv. I just tried to destroy the person who I love most, because I am hurt. No excuse.
I have a CIN meeting next week (routine). Nothing else has been said to me. I’m worried this may escalate.
Me and dad have separated.
We have said we will do marriage counselling.

[Stressedmommy95]

To add
7 years ago my mom reported my husband had pushed me. She had a drinking problem at the time. SS visited and realised straight away nothing happened and closed the case.

I’m worried my children are going to be took away cause I sounded like a lunatic.
I can’t eat
Can’t sleep
I’m still keeping a stable home.
I’ve took my children out everyday
My house is clean
I’ve had no mention of a visit
I emailed them Monday at 3pm and no reply. I’ve had no contact from them now for over 48 hours.
I’m just so worried

When I emailed my SW Monday the referral hadn’t been sent to SS yet. My SW chased it. So I’m guessing it wasn’t high priority. The arrest happened late Saturday evening.

[Winter25]

Hi Stressedmommy95,

I’m really glad you posted. First no one is judging you here. What you’re sitting with right now would make most people spiral, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or that your children are about to be taken.

I want to ground you in this first: nothing you’ve written points to imminent removal.

What happened was serious, but the way this is looked at professionally is about risk, patterns, and response, not shame or punishment. And your response after the incident matters a great deal.

A few important points to steady things:

There was no charge and no ongoing police action

You corrected the account quickly and did not pursue a statement

The children were not present, did not witness anything, and were safe

You informed your social worker yourself rather than trying to hide it

You’ve separated temporarily to reduce conflict

You’ve engaged with your GP, accepted medication, and a therapy referral

CIN was already in place and has not suddenly escalated

Those are all protective factors, not red flags.

From a Children’s Services perspective, the key questions are usually:

Is there ongoing domestic abuse? (you’ve been clear there isn’t)

Were the children exposed to violence? (they were not)

Does the parent show insight and reflection afterwards? (yes)

Are steps being taken to reduce stress and prevent a repeat? (yes)

You’ve shown insight, accountability, and willingness to accept support. That carries real weight.

The lack of contact from your social worker for 48 hours is not a bad sign. If this were being treated as urgent safeguarding, you would likely already have had:

an unannounced visit

a strategy discussion

clear restrictions or written instructions

escalation beyond CIN

The fact the referral hadn’t even reached Children’s Services when you emailed, and had to be chased, strongly suggests this is being treated as low-priority information sharing, not a crisis response.

Regarding the CIN meeting next week: it’s very likely this will be discussed as a stress-related incident, not as grounds for escalation. If asked, a calm and honest way to frame it is:

“This happened during a period of emotional overwhelm. I’ve taken responsibility, sought medical help, separated temporarily to reduce conflict, and put support in place. I understand why it raised concern and I’m focused on preventing anything like this happening again.”

That is a strong, balanced explanation.

One incident, even a serious one, does not define your parenting. CIN work is based on patterns over time, not single events, and your wider pattern is care, openness, and engagement.

Right now your anxiety is doing what anxiety does best: filling silence with worst-case scenarios. In this context, silence almost certainly means nothing urgent to act on.

Try to eat something small, drink water, and rest if you can. You haven’t ruined everything, and you’re not alone in this.

Keep posting if you need to. Many parents here recognise this spiral and it does pass.

[Stressedmommy95]

Would I be told of a strategy discussion?
I do think silence is a good thing but I’m still terrified.

[Winter25]

It’s completely understandable to still feel frightened after what you’ve been through, especially when there’s been silence and you’re left alone with your thoughts.

To answer your question directly: yes, you would normally be told if a strategy discussion had taken place and you were being treated as a suspected perpetrator or if the situation was escalating. Strategy discussions are usually recorded formally and followed by clear next steps, such as a visit, further enquiries, or written confirmation. They don’t tend to sit quietly in the background without any action.

In situations like yours, where there was no charge, no evidence, the allegation was retracted quickly, and you were open and proactive with your social worker, it’s common for Children’s Services to make basic checks, speak to the police, and then decide that the matter can remain at CIN level without escalation.

Silence at this stage usually means usually the following things

the police information has been checked,

there’s no immediate safeguarding action needed,

and there’s nothing urgent that requires contacting you.

If a strategy discussion had been held about significant harm, you would not be left waiting without contact.

It’s also important to remember that you already have an upcoming CIN meeting, if there were serious new concerns, you would likely have been contacted before now or the meeting would have been reframed.

Right now, everything you’ve described still fits with a crisis moment that was addressed, not an ongoing risk.

Try to take care of yourself while you wait. Anxiety fills the gaps when there’s no information, but nothing you’ve written suggests things are quietly escalating behind your back.
=====
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing court proceedings..

[Stressedmommy95]

Thank you! I feel a bit more at ease!
I’ve still had no contact today. Would it take that long for the police checks to happen? Or do you reckon silence is positive?

[Winter25]

I know the waiting is horrible, but yes, it really can take this long, and often longer. Police checks, confirming outcomes, and sharing information between teams is not quick, especially when there’s no immediate safeguarding action needed.

In situations where there is urgent concern, parents are contacted very quickly. The fact you’ve heard nothing, no visit, no escalation, no change to arrangements, is generally a good sign, even though it doesn’t feel like it when you’re anxious.

Silence usually means they are either:

Closing the loop with police and finding nothing that needs action, or

Deciding that no further steps are required beyond what’s already in place.

If there were a strategy discussion or escalation, you would normally be told. It wouldn’t happen quietly in the background and then surprise you days later.

You’ve done the right things:

You were honest.

You corrected the situation quickly.

You contacted your social worker yourself.

You’ve taken steps to look after your mental health.

The children were safe and not exposed to anything.

Those are all protective factors. One incident, handled transparently and followed by support-seeking, does not automatically escalate a CIN.

Try, as hard as it is, not to read silence as danger. In child safeguarding, no news is very often good news.

If you don’t hear anything by your CIN meeting, it’s okay to ask for reassurance then, but for now, nothing here suggests your children are at risk of being removed.

You’re not a bad mum. You’re a tired, overwhelmed one who asked for help and took responsibility.

[Stressedmommy95]

Thank you! That’s reassured me! I feel like the worst person in the world at the moment! The children weren’t affected at all and never been exposed to anything! The reason why the affair lingered over my head for so long is because I put all my effort into the kids. And I refused to argue around them. So it just brewed for a long time until I literally exploded.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Stressedmommy95

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your posts. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I will respond to your posts today.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your family are having. I understand that you have unresolved trauma from your past. At the moment, you are understandably feeling stressed, your sleep and eating are impacted but despite this you are still managing to maintain stability at home for the children who seem unaffected. Your son and daughter both have disabilities and there is already a child in need plan in recognition of the severity of your daughter’s disabilities.

You set out the circumstances which led to the police attending your home and arresting your husband in relation to his alleged assault on you. You describe the strain on your marriage following your husband’s affair; you and your husband were out and were drunk when you argued prior to police being called. The children’s uncle was caring for them at the time. You made a further allegation that your husband had knocked your teeth out previously which you now explain was caused by a stranger in a bar while you were socialising with a friend. Your mother reported your husband for pushing you 7 years ago, children’s services assessed but found no evidence of domestic abuse and closed the case on that occasion. Prior to becoming a father your husband had issues with being drunk, disorderly and fighting but this did not result in prosecution or conviction.

You and your husband are currently separated; children’s services agree he can continue to see the children at home but recommend that you are not there to reduce any risk of conflict.

I can see you are very worried about what might happen. You are aware that police always refer incidents of alleged domestic abuse to children’s services so that they can assess the children’s welfare. This is because children are now legally regarded as victims of domestic abuse where they see, hear or experience the effect of domestic abuse between their parents. They can also suffer harm if they live in an environment where domestic abuse takes place. Concerns around domestic abuse are taken seriously; this is discussed in more detail in our tailored domestic abuse FAQS here.

You acted promptly and responsibly by informing the social worker of the incident. She had not yet received the police notification and wants to speak to the arresting officer. You also went to your GP and were offered medication and therapy. You and your husband would do marriage counselling. You have thought about what will help you and what you and your husband can do to address your difficulties. This is very positive and shows that you are willing to take action to improve family life.

I am sorry that you had not heard back from the social worker with an update about how she intends to respond to the incident. This may be because she is waiting to hear more from the police about what they found when they attended your home and arrested your husband. You are taking responsibility for everything that happened, blaming yourself for being irrational, delusional, and acting out of trauma. You state clearly that in your view you are not a victim of domestic abuse. Children’s services need to consider all possibilities when making sense of a family situation and how children can be affected by their parents’ behaviour, pressures, and vulnerabilities. They need to understand what is happening so they can provide the right support or intervene at the right level. They will be aware that sometimes, for many reasons, victims retract information or minimise what happened. They will also be clear that both parents have a responsibility to keep children safe and to address anything that impedes their parenting.

If you have not yet had an update from your social worker, then I would suggest that you chase this up urgently, explaining that the lack of update causes you unnecessary stress. Only your social worker can tell you whether they intend to hold a multi-agency strategy meeting to decide if they need to begin a child protection investigation under section 47 (Children Act 1989) or to continue to work with you, with your consent, under child in need. A strategy discussion can take place following a referral or at any other time, including during the assessment process and when new information is received on an already open case. Your social worker would need to let you know if they were holding a strategy meeting and the outcome of the meeting, but you would not be invited to attend.

There is already a child in need meeting planned for next week so if that goes ahead it should provide clarity. Do ask your social worker for the agenda and how the recent incident will be raised.

Many parents worry about their children being removed from their care, but this can only happen in specific circumstances where necessary. I will summarise this below and you can see more detailed advice on this here. It is important to know that social workers must work in partnership with families to keep children safe and at home where possible.

Social workers cannot remove a child from their parent or carer to the care system unless either:

The Family Court has approved a plan for the child to be removed and made an order allowing children’s services to put that plan into action, or

A parent (or someone else) with parental responsibility has given their real and voluntary agreement to children’s services removing the child and no one else who is able (entitled) to object, is objecting.

I hope this offers you some reassurance. You have shown you can work with your social worker. Your husband should also be willing to do so. If it would be helpful to bring your family network together to support your family more, you could ask the social worker to arrange a family group conference (an FGC).

If you would like to discuss your situation in more detail with an adviser, please call the freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, the lines are open from 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, Mon to Fri (except bank holidays). You can also post back, send an advice enquiry or live chat online (Mon and Thurs 2pm to 4pm).

Best wishes

Suzie

[Stressedmommy95]

The children were in bed and asleep
They never witnessed any arguments
My house was clean
My husband was arrested from outside