Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

Swolleneyes Thu 05-Apr-18 11:13:23
Hey guys really long sad story..get your coffee and biscuits ready...and yes am in uk...Backgroung 1st for you all..
I had 3 children to an abusive partner.very controlling and manipulative. Our relationship lasted 17years. I left after a particular nasty episode with just the clothes on my back. My children were aged 16, 15 and daughter 9. I moved into parents home got up off my butt and found 2 x part time jobs. Abuse, threats and acts of vandalism was constantly targeted towards me and my mom's home. Police informed but due to lack of evidence no charges ever brought. An injuction to keep Ex and know associates away from home and place of work granted after being targeted in place of work.
Ex receives legal aid to fight for custody of daughter and has a barrister appointed. I received no help as was working. Visits from children always sporadic(he would decide when where and for how long).
After not working for so many years I loved it.. It gave me back some self confidence. I made new friends outside of his circle and my self esteem grew. I met my new partner, 14years now and still in love. Still though I received daily threatening phone calls..abusive slogans painted outside places of work and on bridges and walls on my route to work. At no time was the police interested?? But I still logged and reported each incident.
Work was good and I excelled in both part time jobs leading to each one offering me promotion and full time employment, so I had to leave one sadly. I chose to stay with a large well known supermarket and was sent out of my area for further training. I fell in love with where I was sent. My new partner and I moved there. I changed my phone number and only my mom knew my new address for fear of reprisals from ex as abusive phone calls and graffiti was still going on..
Still with me everyone? Do hope so..
Contact was still very limited between myself and especially my daughter as Ex kept controlling the situation..still no legal aid due to wages..by now child support was being removed from wages so even less coming in..not sure why they didn't take that into account whilst assessing for legal aid.
Cafcas was involved and awful allegations against myself and new partner were made by Ex and children coerced by father into verifying allegations. No contact about proceedings for daughter were received until mom told me that a man had arrived on her doorstep and told her to get in touch for a meeting with cafcas as court hearing in 2 days. I did this immediately. My partner and mom were present, their information regarding ex was not regarded..the meeting was rushed. I was terrified and self doubt came back wirh a mighty punch..
At the hearing ex had barrister I had mom.
The judgment went his way. He had custody. Access was granted and this worked fine for a time but ex slipped back into his old ways of abuse when dropping off and picking up daughter and this caused emotional difficulies between my daughter and me.. Her pleads to come home every time were heartbreaking and she couldn't see the damage ex had caused to me..as I said before a very controlling and manipulative person..
As time went on and daughter grew up contact became more infrequent..I would arrive and ex and daughter would make excuses about not coming..Phone calls were on a as and when she wanted basis..and every thing was my fault because I had left.
Although our relationship then was very strained..we are now very close.
Daughter became pregnant at 16 although not overwhelmed I supported her and was at birth of 1st grandson.(Baby B).had forgotten how hard giving birth was cooor! Daughter living with ex still.. Constant contact via phone and weekly/ fortnightly visits back to the area where they lived. Daughter decided to move out and get home of her own aged 17 I supported her although flagged up potential risks but she seemed fine..Short time away from ex then back? Asked why. She had got a job and needed care for baby B , ok I thought..didn't push as daughter had anxiety issues( once referred for assessment in a residential place for medical needs Bipolar she said). Things seemed ok for a few years although different places of work..baby B growing and developing fine..Last year she moves out of Ex's and reforms relationship with baby B's dad. Baby B stays with ex?
Still reading?? Hope so need advice as of what to do..get some more coffee and biscuits I haven't finished...sorry..
Contact after baby B grew and our relationship between mom and daughter stronger..they visited me and stayed over frequently( baby B and daughter not B's dad ever)..daily phone calls..Daughter came on holidays with me and my partner..everything lovely.
Last year daughter lets me know I am going to be a grandma again..am delighted..she has grown as a woman and is loving life..
Daughter starts bleeding early stages ..very heavily..rushed to A +E services at hospital stretched to limits and daughter left in hall distraught..informed that have probably had miscarried..not confirmed as not yet seen..With her bipolar she leaves as anxiety levels through the roof.. I am devistated for her..She was on her own and did not contact me for support. I would have driven down straight away and made sure she was ok and taken her back to hospital..Next thing I know is that she is still pregnant!! Weeks later a scan ordered by midwife shows a small dead sack and a thriving baby boy..OMG! Delighted she is soo happy..confused a bit but so happy. Things go well we talk every day she sounds fine..I visit she looks well and happy..Shock phone call from daughter..baby A born early morning 10 weeks pre term. I rush to see them both am very worried..I arrive daughter ok but restless..baby A ok but tiny in SCBU..Contact is continual for daughter and for obvious reasons limited for other family members.. Both daughter and her partner seem fine..a loving caring family unit.. Daughter discharged from hospital.
Does any one need a break? Ok I'll carry on..
Baby A responds extremely well ready for coming home after 6 weeks..wonderful or so I thought.
Wednesday last week 13 frantic calls from daughter. I was out at the time and where we live signal is very poor.. I phone back..
Mum I need your help the LA have been today and have said there is no way Baby A will be coming home with me..sorry WTF is going on!!!!
I phone them immediately 3.15 pm..Get who is in charge to phone me back me back now I asked..4.30 no phone call..daughter gives me another number to try.. I do..SW dealing with this says due to previous domestic vilence issues between daughter and baby A's dad court proceedings have begun..court tomorrow at 10am be there..Again sorry guys WTF!!
I call daughter what on earth has been going on..I need to know to try and help you..Well you can imagine that call was very very long.. I get an insight into alcohol abuse..domestic violence and mental health problems.. Did I know anything? Did I suspect anything in the past..Well yes I did..But whenever I approached the subject daughter brought down the shutters and would just brush it aside.. Did my ex know..yes fully aware of everything..I suppose I didn't want to upset my relationship with my daughter..It had been very difficult to get to this point in the first place..I hoped that on her own terms she would open up to me about her past eventually..and this would bring us closer..I didn't want to force something that she wasn't ready to share..
Court last Thursday..Baby A appointed guardian..solicitors for all parties..court to reconvene next Wed(yesterday) LA team ask for a word...3 of them..all firing questions at me..I feel intimidated and lost..I can't answer all questions I tell them I don't know what you know..I can't answer 3 different questions at once..I am scared..
LA ask can you come in Tuesday(day after bank hol Monday) for assessment..obvs I said yes. Bank Holiday Monday a file is hand delivered to my home..it is huge! I read and make notes as best I can all day. I go for assessment and my partner comes with me.. I thought it went well.
Yesterday court again..outcome...
Baby A into foster care...heartbroken hence swollen eyes...x

Dear Swolleneyes

Thank your for your post and welcome to the parents’ discussion forum. As your concerns relate to your grandson the best place for you to post is on the family and friends forum.

You have given details of a very difficult background for you and your children in what was it seems a very abusive relationship. It is a shame you did not get any legal representation when you wanted your children to live with you.

Great though that things changed for you and your daughter and you now have a good relationship with your daughter.

The main thing it seems now is our grandson and whether you can care for him. Since he is now in stranger foster care, am assuming that children’s services decided that you had a negative viability assessment. Have you received a copy of the assessment report, if not, ask for a copy as soon as possible. It is important that you see the report so you can decide if it reflects what was discussed or you think there are inaccuracies in the report.

I am including a copy of our good practice guidance for viability assessments

Please read this and, if you believe that you should have a new assessment, you can write to the court setting out your reasons why you think so and ask the court to join you as a party to the care proceedings so you can take part in the case and for an independent assessment. It will be for the judge to decide whether this can happen. You might wish to consider whether you want to apply for a child arrangement or special guardianship order for your grandson and inform the court of this also.

A copy of our advice sheet about Care (and related) proceedings will give your more information about what happens in care proceedings. Please also read our advice sheet relating to Family and Friends Care: becoming a foster carer. You could also ask the social worker for a copy of he local authority’s family and friends’ care policy.

Does our ex-partner have a court order for grandchild B to live with him?

I suggest that you encourage your daughter to engage with her mental health services, work with children’s services. As a young mother she might find it helpful to go to our young parents website which might help her in working with children’s services and her solicitor.

If you would like to speak more to an adviser about your situation, you can telephone free confidential advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday (except Bank Holidays).

I hope this is helpful

Best wishes

Suzie

Thankyou suzi.
My assessment was not completed in time apparently. I have got my daughter on a mental health plan via her doctor..new medication..waiting for an appointment with mind and horizon..My ex has been told to get a residency order as they are considering actions for him too now..the LA have been happy until now and indeed case was closed! Daughter does have legal representation as does her now ex partner(both babies dad).. Daughter has been allowed 2hrs 5 days per week supervised contact but because baby A's dad has been granted 1hr contact this hour that he has is taken away from her!! How can that be just? I contacted LA as I want contact too..I am tols by SS(should really be abbriviated to SAS) that I am not a priority..my assessment has not been completed..and should I request contact on my own that this time too will be taken away from daughter..."do you think we have the time for you to visit too?".. I asked for an explanation as to why I have been refused to be sent to me in writing..answer NO! We are in the process of changing SAS worker therefore NO! My ex has been refuse residential care for baby A because of age although foster carers are in my daughters opinion almost as old..I have not yet been rejected for baby A as assessment not completed..I will follow your advice on Monday and repost..and again thankyou so much suzi sometimes people need a voice and guidance..even more so with the state of our LA's atm and their lack of support..

So the latest instalment...
I phoned SS today and asked to speak to SW dealing with case or her manager ...surprise surprise not available again...Do you think they're avoiding me?
I asked duty SS as to an update on my assessment and which type of assessment I had had as there are so many different types. I was told(and she was actually very helpful) it was a suitability assessment and I had passed. Such a relief! What this means is that baby A will stay within the family. So now it is up to my daughter as..and their words not mine..they are working towards them staying together with the crisis team ..
Sometimes there is a light at the end of a tunnel but it can look incredibly dim when this happens within a family..You must stay strong for those affected..look on line and ask..keep asking for advise...keep knocking on doors,phoning and writing to anyone you may think can help..
Thankyou FRG your help, support and advice was truly wonderful. I was so terrified and lost.
I will keep posting as we go through each procedure so anyone who wants to read can get an insight into this very traumatic and life changing procedure.
Take care all and think positive x

Soo... We are now to have a Family Group Conference..Will let you know how it goes.