SS concern over new partner

[Icetea]

I have recently started seeing someone that has in the last few months been released after serving 6 months of a 12 month sentence and is now on probation/tags for a while. He has been totally open and honest with me and we have mutual friends that I have chatted with about him and his past. He was in a very short relationship and unfortunately hit and pinned to the floor by her throat, his ex in front of her children. There is more to this and he is totally remorseful for what he did and has never been in trouble with the police before, never been violent before, was married for 20 years and still friends with his ex wife, his best friend is a woman and another of his ex's from many years ago that he has an older child with was character witness in court for him. He has complied with all his probation terms and been honest about us with the officer. Now the probation officer has contacted SS who have called me and want to come and do an assessment/ talk to me and my 2 children. I have told them that I am aware of everything and he is just not that person. I am very reluctant to have SS come round and question me and put me on trial as such. I didn't like the way she spoke to me on the phone and felt she was very patronising. I have raised 5 children over 28 years, 4 with autism, with so many obstacles and zero support. I run my own home and business and consider myself to be the best Mum I can possibly be. My children have always and will always come first and I would not consider myself a vulnerable person. I have put all of this across and they still want to come round. They didn't have all the info about my new partner regarding history and the case itself and I feel they are really being quite brutal with regards to my new partner. He made a huge mistake but this should not define him. I'd really like some advice on what the best action is.

[Winter25]

Hi Icetea,

I’ve read your post carefully, and I want to start by acknowledging the reality of your situation because I don’t believe in sugar-coating anything. You have raised five children, four with additional needs, with no support while running a home and a business. That is not something a struggling or careless parent does. You clearly know how to protect your children.

But with that said, you are stepping into a situation where your instinct to defend your partner could end up being interpreted in a way you don’t intend. So I want to give you the most honest, practical guidance possible so you stay in control of this process from the start.

1. Why Social Services Are Involved

Your partner’s probation officer has a legal duty to inform Children’s Services when someone with a recent conviction for domestic violence, especially involving strangulation, begins a relationship with a parent. Strangulation is treated as a high-risk marker in domestic abuse assessments. Violence in front of children is automatically classed as emotional harm.

This is not a personal judgement about you or your parenting. It is simply standard procedure.

2. Where Things Can Go Wrong

The only real risk here is not the relationship itself, but how you are perceived.

If you minimise what he did or say things like “that’s not who he is,” Social Services will record that as:

lack of insight

minimisation of risk

failure to protect

Once that label is applied, it is incredibly hard to shake off, and that is what leads to escalated involvement.

3. The Strategy You Need Right Now

You do not need to end the relationship!
You do not need to panic!
But you do need to demonstrate protective capacity.

That means showing them that your eyes are open, you understand the seriousness of the incident, and you have already put boundaries in place.

4. What to Say When They Visit

You are not “on trial,” but you must use clear, protective language. Something along the lines of:

“I am fully aware of his conviction, and I understand the seriousness of the incident. Because of that, I am keeping strict boundaries in place. He does not live here. He does not have unsupervised contact with my children. I am taking this relationship slowly and prioritising the needs of my children above everything else. If I ever saw behaviour that concerned me, I would act immediately.”

This shows risk-awareness, not minimisation.

5. What Your Safety Plan Should Look Like

You can give Social Services this proactively:

He does not live with you.

No overnight stays while the children are present.

No unsupervised time with the children.

You will communicate openly with probation and SS.

You understand that a new relationship after a DV conviction will be monitored.

If you present these boundaries before they impose them, you remove their power to escalate.

6. OK so What To Do If the Social Worker Is Patronising or Unprofessional

Unfortunately, this does happen, and it sounds like you’ve already had a poor first interaction. Here are your tools:

a. Keep everything polite but in writing.
After the call, send:

“Thank you for your call. Please confirm the purpose of the visit, who will attend, and any information you require from me.”

This forces professionalism.

b. Ask them to stick to factual information.
If they make sweeping statements, calmly say:
“Please could you explain the specific concern and the evidence you are basing that on?”

This resets the power dynamic.

c. If the tone crosses the line, say:
“I am happy to engage fully, but I would appreciate the conversation being conducted respectfully and factually. I want to work with you, not against you.”

You remain calm, measured, and in control.

d. You can request a different worker if things genuinely deteriorate. That is your right.

7. What You Absolutely MUST NOT DO

Do not refuse the assessment.
Do not defend him emotionally.
Do not downplay the seriousness of the incident.
Do not tell them “he’s not that person” or “it was just a mistake.”

These are the statements that trigger higher intervention.


You do not need to choose between supporting your partner and protecting your children. You can do both, as long as you show Social Services that your children come first and that you are managing the situation with your eyes open.

If you handle the visit well, keep clear boundaries, and speak in protective, factual language, they will complete their checks and step back.

========================================
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.

If you need more help or want me to go through the safety plan with you, you’re welcome to send a direct message.

[Icetea]

I truly can't thank you enough. This has totally made me feel calmer and in control.
There is too much to explain here but I have had previous contact from SS, many years ago and feel like we were totally stereotyped as a family with 4 children with additional needs and then my ex husband was then almost forced in to ASD assessment by SS....then diagnosed which was no surprise.
They have never helped and only ever made me feel crap. I have reached out for help when my daughter had an ED and my son was in hospital at the same time with a lung disorder. I had asked so many times for support and fought for my children (mainly 1 in particular). I am an incredibly strong and independent woman and hate being made to feel like I am a terrible parent and that I don't care about my children.

I will take your advice, it is excellent advice, it all makes perfect sense...I am just a very defensive person because of all the battles over the years and everything we have been through, however, I will do whatever it takes to keep me and my children safe and make sure that everyone knows that.

Thank you

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Icetea

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. I understand that it is worrying.

You explain that you have successfully cared for your 5 children, 4 of whom are autistic, for many years with limited support and are a dedicated and capable parent. Your previous experience with children’s services was not positive. I am sorry to hear that it made you feel bad, that you did not feel helped while you were doing all you could for your children.

You describe how children’s services have become involved again and that unfortunately the initial interaction with the social worker was poor. Because of this and your previous negative experience, you were initially reluctant to engage with the proposed assessment.

I hope it will be helpful to explain a bit more about why children’s services want to assess the situation and to offer suggestions as to what you can do to help you work in partnership with them to keep your children safe and well, which is what you want to do.

Your new partner’s probation officer had made a referral to children’s services as your partner has a conviction for domestic abuse against a previous partner. You describe how he assaulted her and pinned her to the floor by the throat. Her children witnessed this. Your partner’s ex and her children were both harmed in this incident. The children are legally classed as victims of domestic abuse where they see, hear or experience the effects of the domestic abuse of their mother. They may have also suffered significant harm because of witnessing this.

It is good to hear that your partner is complying with the terms of his probation and that he told his probation office that he was in a relationship with you.

Although you explain that your partner has no previous criminal history and regrets his violence, the severity of the offence for which he received a criminal conviction mean that children’s services are worried that he may be abusive again in his new relationship with you and that this would harm your children. So, they want to assess what safeguards are in place to keep the children safe and to make sure that you know what the level of risk is. They are the lead agency and so play a key role in supporting parents to make safe decisions for their children.

You may find it helpful to read this summary of how children’s services’ work which sets out the processes and principles they must follow when working with families to promote children’s welfare and keep children safe.

They have decided to do an assessment and, I believe, have asked you to agree to this. You have parental responsibility so they need your consent to the assessment. However, children’s services would not need your consent if they were doing a child protection investigation when they have a legal duty to investigate.

You can find out more about what a voluntary child in need assessment involves here. It must be completed within 45 working days (but can be completed sooner).

There are steps you can take to make sure that you are as informed as possible about the process and that the social worker keeps you properly updated.

You can email the social worker to:

• Clarify that your children are your main priority and that you understand that the children’s safety is their focus too.
• Ask the social worker to confirm in writing the type of assessment that they propose and to provide you with information about the process.
• Confirm what steps you are taking to safeguard the children; this could be ensuring that the children have no contact with your partner during this assessment. And that you will carefully consider the social worker’s recommendations when the assessment is complete.
• Let them know if you are doing any specialist programmes or engaging with a domestic abuse agency – this can help provide a reflective and informative space, even if you have not experienced abuse.
• Ask the social worker to confirm that they will keep you fully updated as they do their assessment – this includes sharing positive feedback with you but also keeping you fully informed and discussing any new or escalating concerns with you.
• Let them know if your partner is already doing a domestic abuse perpetrator’s course as part of his probation requirements. If not, he could agree to do so and can find out more about the programmes available to him from Respect.

We have guides below to help mothers working with social workers including when they are involved due to concerns about domestic abuse:

 A guide to working with a social worker and
 Information for mothers involved with children’s services because of domestic abuse.

I can see that you have already decided to do all you can to keep your family safe and to demonstrate this to children’ services. If you would like to discuss your situation further or need more advice during the assessment, please call the confidential freephone advice line to speak to an experienced adviser. Or post back on this forum, send an advice enquiry form or get live online advice via webchat, on Mondays and Thursday between 2 and 4 pm.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie