Daughter has become my abuser

[Pumpkinspice2]

In 2020, I fled domestic violence and SS put the children on a CP plan.
My 15-year-old daughter is very manipulative and constantly hurts my 9-year-old son by throwing chairs and hitting him. She also mentally abuses him by making snide and hurtful comments to him about him not having a dad as he is abusive and we had a restraining order. She has poor mental health and has overdosed multiple times, most recently in August, which was very bad. She took my prescription pain medication for where I broke my back and laughed when I told her I had none left to take for pain. When asked why she had done it this time, she said, “The quickest way to hurt you is to hurt myself.”

Shortly after, she disclosed to CAMHS that her ex-stepdad (the DV perpetrator) had sexually assaulted her, she told them it happened, she wont talk to anyone about what happened and doesnt want to go to the police. SS became involved recently because of her poor mental health and the fact that they found out some history of my current partner. My son has also referred to him as dad on a few occasions, even though we’ve only been together since May.
We had an assessment and then the social worker put in a section 47. We had conference on Monday which was horrible as I had 8 professionals all telling me im a bad mom. The children were put on a CP plan.

My partner’s criminal history isn’t great, but he’s done his time in jail and is a different person now. His ex has reported abuse and sexual assault from him, but only four months into our relationship when her friend saw us together, she also called and laughed, saying, “Good luck, I’m going to ruin your life.” Because he didn’t want to get back together, she stalks me (reported to the police) and makes fake profiles on social media to request him. I almost every other day.
Lastnight i seen the gp as my son had blood in his stools, he had cows milk protein allergy and his happens with reactions. The Dr made it seem like this was requested due to my partner possibly doing something sinister. This has made me feel so sick as nothing like that was discussed in the meeting and niithing would ever happen like that!!
This is all very draining. My son is battling with the change of me being told that my partner isn’t allowed around the kids because he has a good bond with my son. It’s affecting me so much that my hair has been falling out, my eyes are swelling (this has happened in the past due to stress), and I don’t know what I can do. I want my daughter to get help, but I can’t have her living with me. It’s too hard. The constant shouting and risky behaviour - recently got a tattoo and also smokes weed, which I’ve tried to get help for but she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t attend school, plays the mental health card, and I’ve lied to everyone about how she’s been behind closed doors for so long. My partner has helped me to show me that she’s abusing me, which my family all say when they see the way she is with me and her brother. I need to protect my son from further exposure of this abuse. I also have had to ask my partner to stay at his brother’s at night, and this is all a strain on us, and hard as he is a massive support for me and I just feel lost with what to do now.

[winmau]

Hi, can you please check your DMs. Thank you

[Pumpkinspice2]

Thank you

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Pumpkinspice2

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and I will respond to your post.

I am sorry that you are experiencing so many difficulties with your daughter. I hope that she is getting the help she requires for her mental health.

Your partner’s ex-girlfriend has been causing you and him problems because of her behaviour towards you and allegations against your partner. It is good that you have involved the police regarding her behaviour. You describe history as not great, is this one of the reasons that children’s services decided to do s47 investigation which led to an initial child protection conference?

As you have been in previously abusive relationships it is likely that they will be concerned about your ability to keep yourself and your children safe. For example, did you do a check under Claire’s Law into your partner’s background relating to domestic abuse, or engaged with domestic abuse services to help you understand and recognise abuse yourself and how to manage this.

Turning to the allegations against your partner, children’s services always take allegations of abuse seriously. It has negative impact on children who live in the home. There is an expectation that a parent will not minimise or try to justify abusive behaviour. I understand that you believe the allegations were made only because of the breakup of their relationship but this might be seen as you trying to excuse your partner’s alleged abuse rather than focus on how best to keep your children safe. Read information from our website about domestic abuse and children’s services involvement.

For your daughter, she made allegations of sexual abuse to CAMHS from a previous partner although now she is unwilling to give more information or speak with the police. This must be hard for her to cope with and may be the reason for her reluctance or the behaviour she is displaying. Hopefully, you will be able to help her work with CAMHS or other professionals so she can be supported to accept the help offered to her. You may be able to get some help from Young Minds to learn the best way to help her.

You mention that your son has an allergy to cow’s milk protein and the reaction is blood in his stools. Is this something that the GP has seen him about previously? Do you have any help to manage his allergies. It seems surprising that your GP would of the view that your partner has done something to your son especially if he is aware of your son’s history. I suggest that you write to the GP explaining you concerns about how your appointment with your son was managed and for a clear explanation from him/her so you can have clarity. If you wish, you could make a complaint to the GP surgery, if you are not satisfied with the response you receive.

I am sorry that you felt overwhelmed, by the initial child protection conference and felt professionals thought of you as a bad mum. It may be that they have concerns about the issues that led to the conference being convened. The purpose of a conference is to work out how best to keep children safe in their home rather than to conclude that a mother is a bad parent. It should also consider the support a parent might need to help them improve or understand what is expected to ensure no harm or risk of harm is present.
Read more about child protection procedures/process.

As you say your daughter is both physically and emotionally abusive to her brother, children’s services should have concerns about how he can be safeguarded from this abuse. What you describe seem to be serious safeguarding for your 9-year-old and I suggest that you ask the social worker to confirm in writing what plan will be in place to support your son. He is being hit by his sister. This might mean your daughter staying elsewhere for a period, if you agree, this could be with another family member or unrelated foster care. I think it is important that you ensure that your son’s safety is your main concern, and the social worker and other professionals understand this.

Here is information about s.20 voluntary arrangement where children’s services can provide an alternative living arrangement to being at home. Ask the social worker to explain in writing why this is not considered appropriate for your daughter whilst work is ongoing with her and to safeguard your son.


You can ask the social worker to arrange a family group conference so family members and you can come up with a plan of support for you and your children. Read more about family group conference (FGC)

It seems that because of your own history of abusive relationships and a new relationship with an alleged abuser, the concern may be that you do not recognise or understand how to keep yourself safe. This in turn put your children at risk of harm. For your son to be described as so bonded to a new partner may give cause for concern about you putting your need for the relationship above his safety in children’s services view. They may also be worried about you making good choices because of previous abusive relationships and the persons with whom you start relationships

My advice is that you try to work with the child protection plan, failing to engage fully could lead children’s services to escalate the case. This could mean taking advice from their legal department. It is important to ensure that you fully understand what is expected of you and if there is anything that is unclear you ask in writing for this to be explained. If you need to, you can have someone to support you in meetings as you may find it helpful as you can then ensure that you ask the questions you need to and process their responses. Your supporter can take notes and remind you of anything you may forget to ask. In this way there will be someone else who noted and heard what was said in the meeting.

Here is a GUIDEfrom our website about working with a social worker which you may find useful

Should you wish to have more advice, you can speak with one of our experienced advisers on our free confidential advice line 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays. You can post again if you prefer.

Best wishes

Suzie