Confused

[Simplelife]

Hi. I had my children removed 2 days before Christmas because my husband is an alcoholic and, because of the strain, I was having mental health issues (tiredness/ sleeping). This resulted in meals not always being done and the house a bit of a mess. In addition, my husband would shout a lot, especially at the youngest who told school that he hated his dad because he was a bully. The authority are concerned that it was a controlling relationship. This I do now agree with. However, I am confused with how I should be reacting to all this. I know that sounds daft but on one hand, when I was feeling overwhelmed, I was accused of not showing any reaction and then, on the day my children were being removed, I was accused of being emotional. I don't know what they want from me. I want to prove that I am able to look after my children and that I have dealt with the mental health issues but I don't know how. I have started on medication. I've had counselling. I'm in regular contact with the GP. I am attending a family and friends support group for loved ones with addiction. The house is clean and tidy. I have been referred to a charity that deals with domestic abuse. I have also asked my husband to leave to sort out his alcohol issues and anger, which he eventually has.
If anyone can tell me what else I need to do and how I should be reacting, I would appreciate the advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Simplelife,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You say in your post that your children were removed from you 2 days before Christmas due to your husband's alcohol misuse; your mental health issues which resulted in meals not being provided and poor home conditions and your husband shouting. Children's services are concerned that you are in a controlling relationship, which you now agree with. You are accessing support for your mental health and in order to address some of the other concerns raised. Your husband has now also left the home. You would like your children to be returned to you and would like to know what to do next.

You do not say in your post the means by which your children were removed from your care; are they in the care of the local authority with your consent under a S. 20 agreement, or is there a court order in place, such as an interim care order? Who are your children currently staying with? If your children are looked after children, there should be a care plan which outlines the longer term plan for their care - have you seen a copy of this?

If you are able to provide me with this information, I will be able to offer you some more helpful advice.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Simplelife]

Hi,

Thank you for replying. It is an interim care order and they are with a foster family.

We are currently doing a parent assessment with SW too.


I don't think I've seen a care plan but to be honest I have had so much paperwork that I have lost track of what I have.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Simple life,

Thank you for confirming the legal position. I can see that there are care proceedings and you are currently having a parenting assessment. The concerns are domestic violence and alcohol abuse by your husband. This would have impacted your mental health as well as the children.

It sounds like you were suffering from depression -may be reactive due to the emotional abuse you and your children were suffering and having to deal with your husband’s alcohol issues. It sounded like you were struggling to care for the children- you were not always feeding them and the house was messy. However, you are on medication and having counselling. I assume your GP would have checked for other health reasons for your symptoms. You may be feeling a lot better and more able to cope.
Your husband has left the family home. Has he been offered a program to deal with his controlling behaviour? You need to check with your solicitor about him returning. If he does not complete programmes they may say it is not safe for him to be in the family home again.
You are taking support from the domestic violence organisation. You need to do a programme that addresses DV so that you can recognize it in the future.
You say that children services commented about you not expressing much emotion and then being overly emotional when your children were taken into care. This could be linked to your mental health at the time which hopefully with treatment is getting better. Or it could be the social worker looking at the relationship between you and the children and seeing whether there needs to be support such as therapy to mend it. Ask the assessor how it is going and what s/he is assessing. Ask what else you can do?
Make sure you go to all the contacts with your children as well. Work well with your solicitor as well and the social worker.
Ask about family group conferences is you have not had one. They can look for support in your network -people to help you with your children and people who could look after them if it is not safe for them to return.
Have a look at the following advice sheets:

• 15 care proceedings (also look at the FAQ’s about care).
• 3 family group conferences.

• FAQ’s about domestic violence.

I hope my advice helps. Please post again if you have any questions or need further support or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,
Suzie