Hi, I really need some advice off someone please.
Last year when I was pregnant with my daughter, my ex partner hit me again and I called the police. The social services got involved when I was about 5 months pregnant and placed my daughter on a child in need plan. My daughter was born in April this year and is now 7 months old. After almost a year without seeing him, I stupidly starting seeing him again a few times in October. He was already on a restraining order so shouldn't of been there and it's my fault for even getting back involved with him. To cut a long story short the police was called to my address about 6 weeks ago. It wasn't for violence or anything to do with my ex partner. We had 2 friends around who had started arguing and wouldn't leave. My ex partner left and I called the police on the 2 people who were there that night cause like I said they wouldn't leave. The police turned up and arrested one of them. The social was notified about the incident and went to see the 2 people to see what had gone on etc. They turned around and told them that there was 4 of us there and my daughter's dad was there. I denied it at first because I was scared they'd take my baby. Well anyway my daughter was placed with my parents for a while so they could investigate things etc. We had to attend a meeting in which they said my daughter would now be placed on a child protection plan and would have to remain with my parents for 26 weeks. I'm allowed to be with my daughter at my parents but not allowed to take her home or be alone with her. Which, to me I think is over the top. I understand my ex partner has a restraining order but they're saying now that she's at risk of being emotionally abused. To me, it's ridiculous because she has never been around any violence or arguments. Shes a happy baby and very well looked after. She is my rainbow baby and i went through hell to get her after the loss of her big brother, who was stillborn in 2017. Im heartbroken that she can't be with me at home. Well anyway, recently I found out I am pregnant again and I'm scared to tell them. People have suggested an abortion but to me that is out of the question as I don't agree with it, especially after losing a child. I haven't told them yet or even been to the doctors etc. I'm so worried about the future and keep worrying that my daughter and new baby will be taken off me. Please can someone give some advice or anything. I don't want to lose my children. I admit I made a huge mistake by seeing the ex again but I am not in a relationship with him nor do I want to be. I need to know what might happen. I'm losing sleep over this, I'm not eating, I'm so stressed out. Please can someone help me. Thank you.
Advice please?
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4240
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: Advice please?
Dear zjs91
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for posting.
I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment worrying about your pregnancy and the fact that your baby daughter is currently in your parents’ care. You are worried about what is going to happen how because of the mistake you made getting back with your abusive ex-partner. Did you agree to s20 accommodation for your daughter and have your parents been assessed as foster carers and receiving the appropriate fostering allowance whilst caring for your daughter?
When children’s services (this is the new name for social services) first became involved because of domestic violence your unborn baby was placed on child in need and this remained in place until recently when your daughter was placed on a child protection plan following a further referral from the police. You say the reason for calling the police did not involve your ex-partner. However, following investigation by children’s services it came to light that you had been seeing him and he was in fact at home prior to the police being called.
Unfortunately, when you were asked about the incident you denied your ex-partner being at your home. This was a mistake because all you did was give children’s services the impression that you could not be trusted and that you put your daughter at risk of harm. The harm that is of concern is if there were to be further issues between you and your ex-partner. You should understand that research shows that children are affected by domestic violence whether they witness it or not because of impact of living in an environment where there is violence has a negative impact on not only the victim but the children as well. You say your daughter has not been around violence or arguments but clearly the potential is there. Your ex-partner has hit you in the past. There was an incident in your home for which you had to call the police.
Although your ex-partner has a restraining order against him he breached this by coming to you home so this means he does not respect an order of the court. This is worry for you keeping yourself safe. Children's services had a child in need plan because he was no longer around and an order was in place. Between the two of you children's services concerns about risk returned.
You mention that you have been told that your daughter will need to remain with your parents for the next 26 weeks. Have you been given any reason for this period of time? The 26 week period is usually the length of time a case takes to complete where children’s services makes an application to the court for a care order. Has the social worker told you that there is any intention of them going to court? I think you should ask the social worker to explain the reason you have to wait 26 weeks
I am sure that you are heartbroken not to have your baby with you but I think it is very important that you understand that children’s services want you to show you understand their concerns and fully understand the impact that domestic violence has on you and your child. Have you been asked to attend any domestic violence courses? You might find it helpful to do so even if you have not been asked as I think this will give you a greater understanding of the concerns. I suggest you contact Women's Aid or Rights of Women .
You may also find it helpful to read the information about domestic violence on our website.
In relation to your pregnancy, I can understand why you do not want to tell children's services about it but it is important that you are honest with them. If you do not show honesty and your willingness to work with them then you are creating a more difficult situation for yourself. You have made a mistake but you now need to work hard to show that you understand this and that it will not happen again. It may be that you need additional support from children’s services and you should ask for this. Sometimes victims of domestic violence continue to have the perpetrator around them and this might be because they feel unable to separate and need support to do so.
I think it will be helpful for you to read our frequently asked questions about being pregnant and child removed before and what you should do. It is really important that you engage with services for your unborn child.
There is now a child protection plan in place so you must try to do whatever is asked of you under the plan. Please read our advice sheet about Child protection procedures
The best advice I can give is that you should admit your mistake and let children’s services know that you have learned from it having your baby removed and that you are willing to work to regain their trust that you can safely care for your daughter and baby.
I am not sure of your age but if you are a young parent up to age 30, you may find it helpful to look at the young parents websites . This will provide advice about how best to work with your social worker and other professionals.
Should you wish to speak to an adviser about your situation, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30am to 3pm.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for posting.
I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment worrying about your pregnancy and the fact that your baby daughter is currently in your parents’ care. You are worried about what is going to happen how because of the mistake you made getting back with your abusive ex-partner. Did you agree to s20 accommodation for your daughter and have your parents been assessed as foster carers and receiving the appropriate fostering allowance whilst caring for your daughter?
When children’s services (this is the new name for social services) first became involved because of domestic violence your unborn baby was placed on child in need and this remained in place until recently when your daughter was placed on a child protection plan following a further referral from the police. You say the reason for calling the police did not involve your ex-partner. However, following investigation by children’s services it came to light that you had been seeing him and he was in fact at home prior to the police being called.
Unfortunately, when you were asked about the incident you denied your ex-partner being at your home. This was a mistake because all you did was give children’s services the impression that you could not be trusted and that you put your daughter at risk of harm. The harm that is of concern is if there were to be further issues between you and your ex-partner. You should understand that research shows that children are affected by domestic violence whether they witness it or not because of impact of living in an environment where there is violence has a negative impact on not only the victim but the children as well. You say your daughter has not been around violence or arguments but clearly the potential is there. Your ex-partner has hit you in the past. There was an incident in your home for which you had to call the police.
Although your ex-partner has a restraining order against him he breached this by coming to you home so this means he does not respect an order of the court. This is worry for you keeping yourself safe. Children's services had a child in need plan because he was no longer around and an order was in place. Between the two of you children's services concerns about risk returned.
You mention that you have been told that your daughter will need to remain with your parents for the next 26 weeks. Have you been given any reason for this period of time? The 26 week period is usually the length of time a case takes to complete where children’s services makes an application to the court for a care order. Has the social worker told you that there is any intention of them going to court? I think you should ask the social worker to explain the reason you have to wait 26 weeks
I am sure that you are heartbroken not to have your baby with you but I think it is very important that you understand that children’s services want you to show you understand their concerns and fully understand the impact that domestic violence has on you and your child. Have you been asked to attend any domestic violence courses? You might find it helpful to do so even if you have not been asked as I think this will give you a greater understanding of the concerns. I suggest you contact Women's Aid or Rights of Women .
You may also find it helpful to read the information about domestic violence on our website.
In relation to your pregnancy, I can understand why you do not want to tell children's services about it but it is important that you are honest with them. If you do not show honesty and your willingness to work with them then you are creating a more difficult situation for yourself. You have made a mistake but you now need to work hard to show that you understand this and that it will not happen again. It may be that you need additional support from children’s services and you should ask for this. Sometimes victims of domestic violence continue to have the perpetrator around them and this might be because they feel unable to separate and need support to do so.
I think it will be helpful for you to read our frequently asked questions about being pregnant and child removed before and what you should do. It is really important that you engage with services for your unborn child.
There is now a child protection plan in place so you must try to do whatever is asked of you under the plan. Please read our advice sheet about Child protection procedures
The best advice I can give is that you should admit your mistake and let children’s services know that you have learned from it having your baby removed and that you are willing to work to regain their trust that you can safely care for your daughter and baby.
I am not sure of your age but if you are a young parent up to age 30, you may find it helpful to look at the young parents websites . This will provide advice about how best to work with your social worker and other professionals.
Should you wish to speak to an adviser about your situation, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30am to 3pm.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Re: Advice please?
Hi, thank you for replying. I have only just seen this. I agreed to let my daughter stay with my parent's, the assessment has not been done, they've held off on that but will assess them properly if anything else happens.
I am aware that I made a huge mistake by lying to them but I was so scared of my baby being taken away. I hugely regret it now and the fact I'm pregnant again is making the situation worse. I still haven't told them but was planning to this week sometime after I've been to the doctors. They've told me to contact women's aid, which I have, I'm just waiting for an appointment.
About the 26 weeks, my social worker said it's so I can do all the things they ask before returning my daughter to my care and it may not take 26 weeks. It could be sooner. I'm allowed to stay with my daughter everyday and sleep over at my mom's so I don't go a day without seeing her. I just want her home. Do you have any advice about the new pregnancy and what I should do? The social worker did say that it was going to court. What does this mean? I'm so confused about everything and they've told me so many different things. I just want to know, if I do everything they say and have no more contact with her dad, will she be returned to me at some point? I do not want to be with him or even see/speak to him. I'm aware I shouldn't of ever had him at my home or around my child or even been in contact with him. It was a huge mistake that I deeply regret. It was the way I was feeling at the time, I suffer depression and it got worse this year, I felt lonely and isolated. I don't have many friends either and I made a terrible mistake. Do You have any advice on the new baby? Thank you
I am aware that I made a huge mistake by lying to them but I was so scared of my baby being taken away. I hugely regret it now and the fact I'm pregnant again is making the situation worse. I still haven't told them but was planning to this week sometime after I've been to the doctors. They've told me to contact women's aid, which I have, I'm just waiting for an appointment.
About the 26 weeks, my social worker said it's so I can do all the things they ask before returning my daughter to my care and it may not take 26 weeks. It could be sooner. I'm allowed to stay with my daughter everyday and sleep over at my mom's so I don't go a day without seeing her. I just want her home. Do you have any advice about the new pregnancy and what I should do? The social worker did say that it was going to court. What does this mean? I'm so confused about everything and they've told me so many different things. I just want to know, if I do everything they say and have no more contact with her dad, will she be returned to me at some point? I do not want to be with him or even see/speak to him. I'm aware I shouldn't of ever had him at my home or around my child or even been in contact with him. It was a huge mistake that I deeply regret. It was the way I was feeling at the time, I suffer depression and it got worse this year, I felt lonely and isolated. I don't have many friends either and I made a terrible mistake. Do You have any advice on the new baby? Thank you
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4240
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: Advice please?
Dear zjs91
Thank you for posting again.
I am still not clear why children’s services are saying 26 weeks. I suggest you ask them to put in writing exactly what their plan of action is in respect of any assessment they carrying out of you for your child to return to your care.
If the social worker placed your daughter with your parents with your agreement they should carry out an assessment of them as foster carers and pay the appropriate fostering allowance. If, however, you took your child to your parents that might be a different situation. Please see our advice sheets Relatives and friends taking on the care of a vulnerable child in an emergency and Family and Friends Care: becoming a foster carer
The situation is that even if your parents are treated as foster carers this would not prevent your daughter returning to your care once children’s services have completed their enquiries.
My concern with 26 weeks is that it is the length of time court proceedings would take. Has the social worker mentioned anything about them going to court? It may be your local authority’s policy to take this amount of time to carry out investigations but that it unusual. I suggest you ask the social worker for a copy of the policy.
I think I have answered your questions regarding your pregnancy and have given links in my previous post which I suggest you read for information.
As far as your mistake is concerned I think you have to move forward, speak with the social worker and explain why you lied and that you intend to work openly and honestly with children’s services from now on. Also, ensure that you are engaging with mental health services or your GP regarding your depression. This would not be a reason in itself for you not to care for your baby but it would have to be properly managed.
If you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.
I hope you find this helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Thank you for posting again.
I am still not clear why children’s services are saying 26 weeks. I suggest you ask them to put in writing exactly what their plan of action is in respect of any assessment they carrying out of you for your child to return to your care.
If the social worker placed your daughter with your parents with your agreement they should carry out an assessment of them as foster carers and pay the appropriate fostering allowance. If, however, you took your child to your parents that might be a different situation. Please see our advice sheets Relatives and friends taking on the care of a vulnerable child in an emergency and Family and Friends Care: becoming a foster carer
The situation is that even if your parents are treated as foster carers this would not prevent your daughter returning to your care once children’s services have completed their enquiries.
My concern with 26 weeks is that it is the length of time court proceedings would take. Has the social worker mentioned anything about them going to court? It may be your local authority’s policy to take this amount of time to carry out investigations but that it unusual. I suggest you ask the social worker for a copy of the policy.
I think I have answered your questions regarding your pregnancy and have given links in my previous post which I suggest you read for information.
As far as your mistake is concerned I think you have to move forward, speak with the social worker and explain why you lied and that you intend to work openly and honestly with children’s services from now on. Also, ensure that you are engaging with mental health services or your GP regarding your depression. This would not be a reason in itself for you not to care for your baby but it would have to be properly managed.
If you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.
I hope you find this helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Re: Advice please?
Yes, they said they would be taking me to court. We are waiting for a date. I have tried to contact my social worker but she never replies to me. I don't understand why they're taking me to court when I've already agreed with them that my daughter should stay with my parents until they've finished their assessments and whatever and in the mean time have agreed to attend courses and the doctors to sort out my depression etc
I am so confused
I am so confused
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4240
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: Advice please?
Dear zjs91
Thank you for your further post and for clarifying that children’s services are beginning court proceedings. It is very important from now on that you work closely with your solicitor as they will represent you in the case and will have detailed knowledge of your situation. Here are some tips on working with your solicitor which might help.
You are cooperating and being a protective parent, you have agreed that your daughter should stay with your parents while you are being assessed and you are willing to attend courses to help you address the difficulties you have experienced and to get help for your depression. Keep this up as these steps should help you be better supported and informed and they show the professionals that you are serious about making things better for you and your child/ren.
It can be confusing when you have lots of different things going on. It is always ok for you to ask the social worker to explain what is happening and why and to give you information about it as well. Also ask the social worker to keep you updated and give you feedback about the work that you are doing and that they discuss any concerns with you as they arise so that you feel more informed about your situation.
The section of our young parents website which looks at care proceedings should help clarify things too.
I hope this helps. If you would like to speak to an adviser you can ring our Freephone helpline 0808 801 0366 which is open Mon – Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.
With best wishes
Suzie
Thank you for your further post and for clarifying that children’s services are beginning court proceedings. It is very important from now on that you work closely with your solicitor as they will represent you in the case and will have detailed knowledge of your situation. Here are some tips on working with your solicitor which might help.
You are cooperating and being a protective parent, you have agreed that your daughter should stay with your parents while you are being assessed and you are willing to attend courses to help you address the difficulties you have experienced and to get help for your depression. Keep this up as these steps should help you be better supported and informed and they show the professionals that you are serious about making things better for you and your child/ren.
It can be confusing when you have lots of different things going on. It is always ok for you to ask the social worker to explain what is happening and why and to give you information about it as well. Also ask the social worker to keep you updated and give you feedback about the work that you are doing and that they discuss any concerns with you as they arise so that you feel more informed about your situation.
The section of our young parents website which looks at care proceedings should help clarify things too.
I hope this helps. If you would like to speak to an adviser you can ring our Freephone helpline 0808 801 0366 which is open Mon – Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.
With best wishes
Suzie
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