I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !

[RisePhoenix]

Just a vent really from another wife blindsided by their husband’s online actions, and then punished herself by the system for not leaving him.

I have done nothing to bring this chaos into our lives, my husband’s choices did that. But he is getting help for the unresolved trauma and addictions that lead him down the path of self-destruction. He is turning his life around, it’s actually quite remarkable to witness, he is like a completely different person now everything is out in the open after his arrest, like he’s been freed. He is on such a good/positive path now, and is reclaiming his life, and in some weird paradoxical way, despite being in the eye of the storm right now as we wait for him to be charged, and then the dreaded wait to find out his fate at sentencing, he is actually the best partner he has ever been to me. He’s authentic, he has integrity, he is motivated to becoming the best version of himself. It’s taken his life imploding and almost losing everything, but he’s really doing it, he’s making huge changes, and taking monumental strides forward in the right direction.

The choice to stay and show him understanding and compassion whilst in parallel managing my own heartache as I try to reconcile the life/person I thought I had/knew with the reality of what has transpired, wasn’t an easy one. But I said for better or worse, and this is definitely the worst, but we’re trying to work through it.

I am a great mum, my kids are thriving, they’re happy and content in life. Why is it that SS can’t understand that the two things can co-exist? Somebody can be a great mum, a protective mum, yet still want to keep their family together and support their offending partner. Having never had any involvement with child services before, since my husband’s arrest they have come in to my life like a wrecking ball, and they are breaking me bit by bit. I feel like the system is set up to tear families apart, not support them if they want to stay together. The frustration I feel that strangers can insert themselves into my life and cause so much chaos and upheaval is so overwhelming. Anything other than ‘of course I’m leaving him’ is taken as you’re not protecting your children, and they pile on the pressure, make life as difficult as possible for you to function as a family in the hope you leave the offending partner. Saying you truly don’t believe what he accessed online would ever result in anything transpiring in real life is seen as minimising and not protecting or prioritising your children.

There is no weight given to the fact I know and love my children better than anyone, the fact I know my husband better then anyone, yet they decide they know more about your life, your family, than you do and impose all these restrictions on you that nobody wants.

It all feels so unfair, so judgemental, so disempowering and oppressive. You feel like a number, a file to be moved along as quickly as possible. They’re stretched, everyone knows that, so they put ticks in boxes, cover their backsides by taking a blanket approach, don’t listen to what the families involved actually want, and cause untold upheaval, distress and trauma. But as long as they hit their targets, and don’t leave themselves open.

I feel so sad, so frustrated, so hopeless. And things are only set to get worse before they get better as we still have the huge unknowns or sentencing, will it get out in the press, will he lose his job, and subsequently our home. So many potential life changing unknowns.

I miss the ‘normality’ that I once took for granted so badly.

[Winter25]

Hi RisePhoenix,

Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve written is not just a “vent”, it is a truth that thousands of families are living but are too afraid to say out loud. You have articulated one of the biggest unspoken injustices in the current safeguarding system:
The assumption that a mother cannot be both protective of her children AND supportive of her partner.

This assumption is not only emotionally damaging, it is legally wrong.

You Are Not Failing as a Mother

Social workers often present you with a false choice:

“Either you leave him, or you are deemed unable to safeguard.”

But the law does not require you to end your relationship to be recognised as a protective parent. What matters is:

Your actions to protect your children,

Your implementation of safeguards,

Your insight into risk and your ability to manage it.

Protective capacity is assessed on behaviour, not relationship status.

You can:

Put safety plans in place,

Monitor contact,

Control digital environments,

Engage in therapy and courses,
AND still maintain a family unit.

Those two realities are not mutually exclusive. They co-exist, and you are living proof.

What You Are Experiencing Is Systemic

The system defaults to the most risk-averse position, not the most reasonable one. Instead of recognising rehabilitation, trauma recovery, and change, they often prefer to categorise and control. It is easier for them to say “separate” than to work with a functioning protective parent who is challenging their narrative.

But the law is clear:

Children have a right to family life (Article 8 ECHR).

A parent’s willingness to support a partner does not equate to failing in protection.

Risk must be proportionate, evidenced, and individually assessed. It cannot be presumed based on status alone.

What You’re Feeling Is a Normal Response to an Abnormal System

You are exhausted because you’re constantly forced to prove yourself innocent of something you never did.
You’re grieving the loss of normality while carrying the burden of everyone else’s judgement.

But please hear this:

You are not weak for staying.
You are not reckless for supporting recovery.
You are not unsafe because you refuse to abandon your family.

You are navigating one of the most complex emotional and legal journeys a person can face, and you are doing it while still showing up as a mother and partner.

You Do Have Power

If you want to remain as a family, the next step is not emotional, it's strategic. There are lawful ways to assert your parental authority, challenge overreach, and force professionals to assess you on your actual safeguarding actions.

If you wish, I can help you:

Build a clear protective-parent narrative,

Document your safeguarding actions in the strongest legal language,

Prepare emails or statements to demand proportionate assessment based on evidence, not assumption.

Please note: I am now restricted by forum admins to only two public posts per week, so I may not be able to reply here again. If you would like help preparing your safeguarding narrative or next steps, you can send me a Direct Message by clicking the speech bubble next to my name.

You are not alone in this, and you are not wrong. You are simply ahead of a system that prefers control over genuine understanding.

For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.