Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

Just wondering if I can get some advice I’m having issues with my sw not letting me know about meetings so far I have missed 2 pep meeting as they have been arranged and I havnt been informed and also my child’s foster carer is taking over when it comes to us having contact like she holds his hand tells him what to do and gets far too involved she cuts my contacts short some times feels like she is taking over my sons life and pushing me out it’s at the point where we didn’t even get to talk to eachother today because she rushed him off and iv spoke to the sw about it and she’s just shrugged it off what can I do?

Dear Bubbles92

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s adviser.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. Your son is in foster care. As he is a Looked After Child he has Personal Education Plan (PEP) meetings. Your social worker did not let you know about two PEP meetings. I assume that previously you were invited to and attended those meetings. I can understand how frustrating this must be.

You are also concerned about how your son’s foster carer manages your family time contact with your son. You feel that she is over-involved, and this is impacting on your and your son’s time together as it has been cut short at times. When you discussed this with the social worker she did not respond.

I can see that this is upsetting. It is important that children’s services work well with you, keep you informed, involve you where possible and respond to any specific queries you have about your son and his care plan.

You don’t say if your son is in a long-term foster placement and if there is a care order in place. If the care plan has changed recently to long-term fostering it should have been updated. And you should have received a copy of this.

I would suggest that you write a short email to the social worker, copying in their manager and the Independent Reviewing Officer (IRO) asking for clarification about why you were not told about the two PEP meetings, reiterating your wish to be involved, asking for the date of the next meeting so that you can attend and for minutes and a copy of the updated PEP following the last meeting.

If children’s services state that you are no longer invited to attend as the foster carer is going instead, ask them to clarify the reasons for this. Sometimes, children’s services place limits on what meetings parents attend and what information is shared but they must do so transparently. You can challenge if they have not done so or there is no good reason.

Your son’s care plan must be reviewed at every Looked After Child review. So, letting the IRO know of any problems you are experiencing is always a good idea. They can challenge the social worker/children’s services if they are not working properly with you or adhering to your son’s care plan.

It is not ok for the social worker to ‘shrug off’ your concerns about how your family contact is going and your son’s foster carer’s role in facilitating this. She should discuss with you what the specific arrangements are and the expectations of how the foster carer should manage this. You can ask her to provide you with an updated ‘contact agreement’ to make this clearer.

As your son lives with the foster carer she can make day-to-day decisions for him. She has delegated authority and does have a role to play during contact but not to the detriment of your and your son’s time together. The social worker is your son’s key worker and responsible for making sure that everyone is working well together and are clear about the boundaries to make contact a positive experience for your son and you.

So, you could add your concerns and seek clarity about contact in your email too. You could ask the social worker to set up a meeting for the three of you to discuss how to make sure that the time you spend with your son is a positive and enjoyable experience.

Please see our advice about children in care under a care order as this provides tips for parents when their child is in foster care.

If you do not receive a response or are very unhappy with the response you can raise this with the IRO or consider making a complaint. But best to try to resolve if you can. Children thrive best when all the adults around them are working together.

I hope this helps.

If you need further advice, please post back on this forum, or use one of the alternative advice options linked to here.

Best wishes

Suzie

I’m having even more issues now or still having issues I should say the foster carer has now told me that my son calls her and he partner mum and dad because it’s easier rather than him explaining to his friends what the situation is which I can understand that from my son point of view but they are encouraging it and also telling him what to say to me telling me that he doesn’t appreciate my expression when I last seen him and he called them his parent he said he made a mistake but today told me he calls them that because they parent him more than me yet before he was places there no one was his mum apart from me they are on there late 60s how is that normal my son is 11 and they are walking around telling people there his parents I feel like my feelings are not even considered and they are turning my son against me I don’t know what more I can do before he was places there all he wanted to do was to come home now he doesn’t even want to speak to me on Christmas what can I do who can I speak to about all of this

Dear Bubbles92

Thank you for your updating post, Suzie, here! I am an adviser at Family Rights Group and will be replying to you today.

I am sorry to hear matters relating to your child in care remain difficult for you. It can be tricky for children, parents and foster carers to navigate use of language and I imagine it must be hard to hear your child call another person mum or dad.

I do not think there are any ‘easy’ answers to this and would say that each situation should be focused on what is in the child’s best interest. There is no legislation that says what name a child should use when being parented by a foster carer.

It is common for children to refer to their foster carers as "mum" and "dad." This practice can be influenced by the children's feelings of acceptance and belonging in their foster family. Foster carers may encourage children to use these terms to help them feel more connected to their foster family. It is important for foster carers to ensure that the children feel safe and comfortable in their foster home and using this terminology may be one of doing this.

It may also be that this is your child’s preference whilst they are living in foster care and perhaps echoes what any other children in the family’s home say. Further, the the decision for children to call their foster parents "mum" and "dad" can be a natural part of their development and may reflect their understanding of their foster family dynamics.

Overall, whilst it is acceptable for children to use these terms, it is essential for foster carers to support the children's feelings and ensure they are not confused or harmed by the terminology used.

It is important that lines of communications are kept open to ensure that discissions made and actions agreed are put in place in the best interest of your child, further that any changes to use of language is not perceived by your child to be something he has done wrong/upset.

Of course, you are and will always be your child’s parent. You retain parental responsibility even when they are living with foster carers under a care order. Therefore, your relationship with your child continues to be significant in their life.

Christmas can be a difficult time for children and parents when a child is in care. Your child is very likely to have mixed feeling and emotions around this time. The important point here is to ensure that views are being fully listened to and understood and that any support that may be necessary to support you and your child are put in place. This may involve some extra support to your child from the allocated social worker and also for you to seek support for yourself. I would suggest you speak to your GP for initial help and advice if would like to discuss matters with a professional. I have also added HERE information to an organisation called Matchmothers. They support mothers who, for many different reasons, are having limited or no contact with their children. Please do check out their website to access the different ways they can provide direct support to you.

Hopefully you took our advice and made written contact with the social worker, their team manager and the IRO. If you did and you are not satisfied with their response, you may wish to consider making a formal complaint. I have added HERE some further information and guidance regarding this process.

If you haven't done so already, you could also ask your child’s social worker to raise the matter with the foster carer’s supervising social worker to gain a better understanding of the situation. This type of social worker is in place to support foster carers and to ensure they meet the fostering standards regulation.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes, Suzie