CIN: Returned home from foster care

[charmed1]

My teen was in foster care for four years. Returned home to me at the age of 7. They're now 14. Says they were never happy being home and seem to be throwing me under the bus. Now a CIN due to illness and not attending school. My heart is broken as I bend over backwards and am doing everything on my own. My child appears to hate me so much and wants to go back into care.

[Ignatious]

Hi Charmed1,
It's been a while, I'm sure I have came across your name in the past.
I cant provide any advice per-say. Save for Welcome to parenthood. I have no information to base any of this on, but it could be adolescence and acting out.
I will say congratulations of at least getting your child back. I'm still fighting the system to get mine back. (court in just under 8 weeks).
Doing everything on your own,... May I be the first to congratulate you on doing a good job, it may not seem like it now, but being a parent never really does. It's all about the memories, the good, AND the bad, and they may be 'bad' right now, but that many not always be the case. Just keep doing what your doing, show your child you love them, just be there,... and fingers crossed,.. things pick up (Sooner rather than later)

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Charmed1,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You say that your teenager was in foster care for 4 years. They returned home at the age of 7 and are now 14. Your child is now saying they were never happy being home, and there is a child in need plan in place due to illness and not attending school. You feel heartbroken as you

Firstly, I am sorry to hear you are facing these difficulties and it is understandably very upsetting for you. There are a number of reasons why your child may be feeling or behaving this way, and it is clear that as a family you would benefit from some support.

You say there is a child in need plan in place, and this is a good thing. I would advise that you take some time to go through the child in need plan - what support is in place, what is working and what other support could children's services and the other agencies involved offer? You may want to consider family therapy for you and your daughter, or asking for her to have a mentor. She may also benefit from an advocate to help amplify here views and bring forward what she think would be helpful. Here are some organisations that provide advocacy to young people.

You may also want to consider asking for a family group conference. This is a good way of bringing your wider family support network together to come up with a plan for how family and friends can strengthen the situation. You can read more about family group conferences here.

Finally, here are some more organisations that you may find useful to take a look at, that support families around parenting and family life.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

[charmed1]

Thank you both, Suzie the CIN plan is still being drawn up. Ive not seen the most recent edit. Referrals are being made for mh and neurodiversity assessment. I'm a lone parent with no support network. I felt judged when I said that I have no family or friends to support me (like there is something wrong with me). My daughter seems to have picked up on that. We're both isolated as I'm not working and she's not in education. I want/need to work but unable to until she's back in school regularly. Ignatious I wish you all the very best. Good memories, and there are many were her pretending apparently. I say the camera never lies.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Charmed1

Thank you for your further post.

As the child in need plan is still being drawn up if there is specific support that you think would help you and/or your daughter please ask the social worker to consider including it. Hopefully, the referrals that are being made for mental health and neurodiversity assessments will help.

It is difficult but not unusual if you don’t have a support network around you. This is not your fault.

I am enclosing a link to Child Law Advice’s information for parents of children who are not in school. This sets out what the local authority’s duties are. I hope it will be useful to you.

I posted a link to some family and parenting support organisations in my previous response but just wanted to highlight the services provided by Family Action’s Family Line which include telephone befriending and counselling.

I hope that when the child in need plan is agreed it will set out a focused plan to support your daughter and to get your relationship back on track.

If you have any further queries, please post back on this forum, or contact the advice service via one of the following routes:

• Calling the freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm
• Using our advice webchat facility
• Using our advice enquiry form.

Best wishes

Suzie