Children, ex and new partner

Post Reply
calypso22
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2022 5:28 pm

Children, ex and new partner

Post by calypso22 » Fri Jul 22, 2022 5:06 pm

I am looking for some advice regarding a situation relating to my ex, our children and my new partner.

Six years ago, my children's dad started a relationship with my son's best friend's mum while we were still together. (We had been very close friends with her and her husband). He left me and she left her husband (M) and they subsequently got married. It was a truly horrendous time for M and me - and it affected us both considerably. He has a history of depression which was triggered by the break-up and he turned to alcohol as an escape. (He no longer drinks spirits at all). I had therapy and was so damaged by it all that I couldn't form any new relationship since the break-up. However, early this year M and I, who remained friends, became close, fell in love and began a relationship ourselves - and finally feel like we have found happiness. However this has been a cause of much anger for my ex (N) and his ex (H). They are furious and have tried various ways to stop the relationship including ringing M's mother to ask her to try and split us up (she is v happy we're together) - but we are very happy and are considering our future, including hopefully marriage at some point.

N has written to me to say he does not want M to be around my children (primary age) at all - and is taking 'professional advice' regarding this. He has met with the child safeguarding officer at the school to discuss and has told me there is a 'course of action' he will take if M is around the kids which, once started, cannot be stopped. While we were together, he was very controlling and there was a long history of emotional abuse, plus some physical abuse. (I called the police after one incident and he was arrested but I was too scared to give a statement).

M is also not currently seeing his two children. They adore their dad and he adores them but feel they have been let down by him in the past when he has been ill and in treatment so they haven't seen him; there were a couple of occasions when their mum had to collect them from his house. Also, N and H are badmouthing him (his children use terms N and H have used) and they tell the children he is drinking heavily (he isn't) - so they are confused and upset and say they need time before they can see him again. He is working hard to remedy this situation and restore contact with them. He is in therapy and although not seeing his kids is torturing him, he stable and doing well in the therapy. He gets on well with my kids (and I've always asked if they've been ok with him being here, which they have), although this week they have suddenly become wary of him. I suspect N and H have been badmouthing him.

My question is - what course of action can N take, and what should I do? Of course my children are my priority and I would never endanger them. But I feel they are being weaponized by N. I am confident M poses no safeguarding issue or I absolutely wouldn't have him at my home when they are there. There has been no incident at any time. My father is living with me at the moment and my cousin is staying too and both can attest to this as can the lady who looks after the children when I am working (a qualified, ofsted registered nanny with child safeguarding qualifications). I met with the child safeguarding officer at the school today and she recommended some family mediation starting in September which the school could facilitate. But in the meantime I need to address the summer holidays as the children will be with me for longer stretches. M and I both feel like we're still being controlled by our exes and can't move on and be happy. I am worried that if I have M at the house when the children are here, I'll be reported to social services. I'd of course be able to demonstrate there's no issue - and I almost want to contact them myself to provide everyone with some reassurance - but the kids have already endured so much and I don't want them to have to go through an investigation.

Sorry this is so long. It's a complex situation with a very complex history....

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Children, ex and new partner

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jul 27, 2022 12:23 pm

Dear Calypso,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You say in your post that you and your children's father separated 6 years ago following an affair, and that he is now married to his new partner. This year, you have started a relationship with your ex-partner's new partner's ex-husband, who has a history of depression. You also say that he 'turned to alcohol as an escape' following the breakdown of his marriage,

Your ex-partner has written to you to tell you that he does not want your children to be around your new partner, and that he is seeking professional advice. He has also spoken to the child safeguarding officer at your children's school. You say there was a history of emotional and physical abuse when you were in a relationship.

Your partner is not currently seeing his two children - he is in therapy and is stable however there have been times in the past where contact with his children has been inconsistent due to him being unwell/in treatment. You also say that their mother had to collect them from his home on occasion. Recently your children also seem to be wary of him.

You are concerned that your ex-partner is weaponising your children. You feel confident that your new partner does not pose any safeguarding risk to them. The school have recommended family mediation in September, but you are worried about the summer holidays and that if your children are around your new partner, you may be reported to children's services. You would like to know what course of action your ex-partner can take and what you should do.

It is clear that your ex-partner has concerns about your new partner. From what you say, there may be an element of controlling behaviour, but he may also be genuinely worried given some of the things you have mentioned, such as issues your new partner has had with his mental health, alcohol misuse and the fact that he does not have contact with his own children. You do not feel that he is a safeguarding risk, however, your children's father may not agree with you on this.

In an ideal situation, you would be able to discuss these concerns as parents and come to an agreement - for example, that your children will not be around your new partner. This may not be possible in your case, because of the history of abuse in your relationship that you mention and also because you may not think that is a fair request.

You do not mention what contact arrangements your children have with their father. If he has PR - which I am assuming he does - and he genuinely believes that the children would be at significant risk in your care, he may choose to keep them in his care. This would be a drastic step to take and may cause distress and instability for your children, who are used to living with you and therefore it is certainly not the ideal option.

Your partner may also make a referral to children's services. Children's services will look at the referral and decide whether or not to open an assessment. In most cases, this is a child in need assessment which involves the social worker speaking to you, your children and any other professionals in the children's lives in order to make an assessment of risk. Based on this, they may decide they do not need to be involved or they may recommend child in need plan. In some situations, children's services may be concerned about the children suffering or being at risk of significant harm. If this happens, they may initiate child protection enquiries, which could result in the children being placed on a child protection plan.

Your partner may also want to consider making an application to the family courts for a child arrangements order, if he think it would be in the children's best interests to be in his care, or to have contact arrangements outlined in a legal order. He could also apply to the courts for a prohibited steps order, to stop contact with your new partner. When making a decision, the judge will look at what is in your children's best interests.

It is clear that you want to do what is best for your children and that you are considering their safety and welfare. You state that the children's school have offered to facilitate family mediation - if you feel comfortable with this, it could be very helpful in addressing some of the issues that exist between you and your partner and help move you towards a more effective co-parenting relationship.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

Post Reply

Who is online

In total there are 2 users online :: 1 registered, 0 hidden and 1 guest (based on users active over the past 5 minutes)
Most users ever online was 318 on Fri May 28, 2021 9:04 pm