Being pushed

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Bluebell2022
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2022 1:52 pm

Being pushed

Post by Bluebell2022 » Mon Jun 27, 2022 11:54 am

Hi

We're currently in care proceedings, originally interim care order, stepped down to supervision order (mostly through me proving myself to be a good parent).

Husband was investigated for distribution of iioc but police ended up taking NFA due to evidential difficulties.

Think we're about week 20 in proceedings now and just waiting for dates of specialist assessment to be done on him to determine risk and I assume assessment of me as protective factor.

He currently has contact with our children, supervised by family members and that goes well. He's had weekly specialist therapy and has also completed some specialist work with stopSO. I have had my own therapy to deal with the situation. I have a good relationship with husband still, though we are currently separated. But I feel pressure from my legal and social services to say that my relationship with the husband is completely over and there is no going back. My stance is that I want the outcome of that specialist assessment before making such huge, long-term decisions. Is this an appropriate position to have? I feel as though it is but I feel very judged for it. By considering a future with him does not mean that I forgive or forget what he has done and it certainly doesn't mean that I put him before my children, I just want to have all options open to me (if they are safe options, of course)...after all the power has been taken from my life, surely this isn't an unreasonable thing to want for the future??

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4207
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Being pushed

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Jun 28, 2022 3:23 pm

Dear Bluebell2022

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ discussion forum. My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I will be responding to your post.

Your husband was arrested for downloading indecent images of children, but the police took no further action because of what you describe in your post as evidential difficulties.

Since then, your husband has attended courses and therapy and continues to have supervised contact with the children of the family.

Children’s services issued care proceedings and you are now more than halfway through. It is an understandably difficult time for you trying to navigate what has happened and how to cope going forward. You say you are feeling pressured by both your legal representative and children’s services to decide about whether there is a future for you and your husband together. It is decision you wish to delay until you have more information from the specialist assessment to be done with your husband.

Sometimes, in cases of this kind, persons on the outside may find it difficult to understand why a person would want to remain in a relationship. There are, I am sure, conflicting feelings for you about the life you had with your husband and what has happened, keeping your children safe as well as looking to the future. You believe it is right that you should await the outcome of the specialist assessment. From what you have said, it appears that your children’s safety is important, and you wish to make an informed decision.

Have you been able to discuss with children’s services what their position will be after the assessment is completed? Do they have any idea yet or do they too have to await the outcome? I imagine the court will also be interested to know what the assessment brings to the case.

It may be that if you say at this stage that there is no going back then the case would not need to continue and there could be an earlier resolution. This seems to be pre-empting the outcome of the assessment. Having all information would make it possible for all concerned to make an informed decision rather than the ‘how could you?’ view.

Have our legal representative or the social worker really discussed with you why you should not wait and the consequences of waiting or not? It is important for you to know their reasons so you can make an informed decision rather than feeling judged.

You may find it helpful to speak to the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on 0808 100 0900 who will be able to give you a more specialist view on your current situation.

Please also read information here about care proceedings

I hope this helps but should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30pm to 3pm Monday to Friday (except Bank Holidays.

Best wishes

Suzie

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