So I am very close to my children removal.

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Durrelfan
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Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2022 9:49 am

So I am very close to my children removal.

Post by Durrelfan » Mon Jun 20, 2022 2:50 pm

So, it all started when my son wouldn’t go to school. He has ASD. He gets anxious around school. This is what kicked it off.

I was in the middle of chaos, myself and my 5 children were living in a 2 bed flat with my father, who is bed bound, my grandmother was developing dementia and going crazy, she was refusing to leave the family home and go back to her flat. I was constantly abused daily by them. I begged for help from various officials about how “mean” they were to me for the last 10 years.

My grandmother eventually moved back, things improved. I was able to clean the place better because of her guarding behaviour (she would guard the kitchen not letting me near the washing up).

We have been told we have to move. There are no local authority housing or private rental properties near me.

My disability is getting worse. I have arthritis and my mobility is getting worse.

Social services have said I need to give up care for my father and he needs to go into a home. My father is cognitive and doesn’t want to go into a home. I have about 3 months to either put my father in a nursing home or move out with the kids.

On paper we have emotional neglect, no boundaries, no routine, no healthy food, housing conditions . This was my grandmother going bat s— crazy with dementia, my father being high dependency disabled and a son who wouldn’t participate in a routine. I improved the diet, everyone else has a routine, emotionally I have been there for the kids. The initial flo coached the kids into saying stuff. The only problem is my son who has selective eating problems and high anxiety.

I cannot see myself moving out in 3 months. Even if I widen my search for housing. The housing market is cut throat. I have no guarantor, no money for deposit.. so I’m screwed.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: So I am very close to my children removal.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jun 22, 2022 10:18 am

Dear Durrellfan

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear about the range of difficulties you and your family are experiencing.

Please could you clarify if your children are on a child protection plan and/or if you are in a pre-proceedings process? I think you are in pre-proceedings as you have been asked to make changes within a specified timeframe. If you are in the PLO process you will have a solicitor assisting you, but the following points might be worth considering and discussing with them:

Do you and/or your father have social workers from Adult Social Care in your own right due to your disabilities? If not that may be worth exploring. Please see this information here for adults with disabilities, especially the section on help and support.

Is your son with ASD getting enough support including at school? Please see here for advice about children with disabilities and special educational needs. And have you had a parent carer ‘s needs assessment? Contact are a charity supporting families with disabled children who may be able to offer you some advice or support around your son’s needs. You can book a ‘listening ear’ appointment with them for emotional support.

I am unclear whether the tenancy for the flat is in your father’s name or yours. You have a disability and dependent children, so I am unsure why you are not a priority (if you do not have a tenancy). However, we do not provide housing advice. It is really important that you can access good quality housing advice either from Shelter, a housing solicitor or a local housing advice service. You can find housing advice services here.

If you need help with a deposit for private rented accommodation you could children’s services to assist you and your family in this way. They have a power to help with housing needs but not a duty. You can find out more here.

If you need to check if you are receiving all the right benefits for your family you can do so via the Turn2Us charity website.

Have you been offered a family group conference (FGC) to bring together your family/friends network to try to produce a safe family plan to help you care for the children or, if necessary, to identify who in the family could care for the children if you cannot. Please see here for more information and think about asking for an FGC if you haven’t been offered one. It does not matter if your network is small, it is still worth trying.

From the information provided, I can see that the home environment may have been very chaotic for some time, and this is likely to have impacted on the children which is why children’s services are so concerned. However, you describe having made some improvements which is a good start. Are there further assessments that you are being asked to do to demonstrate your strengths and areas that could be improved? Do you have ideas about what would assist you and your children? If so, you can suggest them to the social worker. They should be working openly with you about their concerns but also how they can help you to address them.

I have asked you a few questions for clarification and provided some ideas for you to consider. However, you may wish to discuss your situation with an adviser; you can call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm (except bank holidays) or post back on here, if you prefer.

Best wishes

Suzie

Durrelfan
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2022 9:49 am

Re: So I am very close to my children removal.

Post by Durrelfan » Wed Jul 06, 2022 6:31 am

Regarding the flat, it is in my father’s name and he has had it since 1974.

My social worker managed to get him to agree to go into a nursing home. He doesn’t want to leave his flat, but he has agreed to go into a home. I don’t know what would happen to his secure tennancy or if we would be allowed to remain. They would also monitor how often I visit my father in the care home to make sure “I wasn’t going every day and prioritising him over the children”

I had a conversation with the social worker about if my dad leaves the flat would we be able to remain here, and they would back off about private housing. She said we would have to renovate my dad’s room and every room in the house. Then they may still require us to leave.

Home conditions have improved and we have structure and routine.

She then talked about my 16 and 17 year old moving out. My 17 year old has ASD and is quite immature for his age. My 16 year old would probably thrive.

Regarding housing, I am high priority but there are no houses available. I should go to private renting. I’ve have been advised by the family liason officer not to tell them (estate agents) I am disabled and will use benefits to pay for a viewing because it puts them off.

For example, I have seen a house in our price range, but it doesn’t have double bannisters so I can’t access the upstairs easily. There were questions from the estate agent about how I would use the bathroom. (I would have to use pads/commode because I wouldn’t get there fast enough) and how I would wash if I couldn’t use the bath. (Either outside or at the kitchen sink).

I haven’t been able to view any properties at the moment due to me mentioning disability and benefits and this is being used in meetings as “not trying”.

As it stands my 17 year old is attending college regularly and has good attendance, my 15 year old is looking for employment and has signed up with a service to assist this, my 13 year old attends school regularly and it has been recognised that he may need a specialist setting, his attendance is slowly going up, but it was hampered by covid. I am having problems with his school at the moment due to reporting really silly stuff. I end up reporting things first to let the social worker know it is being sorted.

my 5 year old has a 98% attendance. She is reading 3-4 times a week and completing her on line maths on the weekends. However her school reported she isn’t doing reading in the last meeting and they “haven’t seen her diary”. I questioned this, pointed out she has moved up several levels, has nearly finished her 2nd reading diary and was signed off every week” The school said “errr.. I will have to check with the teacher”.

My school refusing 10 year old has now developed another problem where he believes his older brother has been replaced by an impostor. I can’t leave them alone together for safety. He has also been reported to be displaying strange behaviour at school and saying strange things like he hears voices. He will not take part in any structure or routine implemented in the mornings or evenings. Again this has been blamed on home conditions, my parenting and his ASD.


We have had a family group conference and there is no one to look after the children.

Again, I do not see a happy ending to this. Every tiny step I make isn’t seen as progress.

Durrelfan
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2022 9:49 am

Re: So I am very close to my children removal.

Post by Durrelfan » Wed Jul 06, 2022 6:36 am

I have also passed the parenting assessment and the psychologist assessment. My partner or ex now failed. I have to distance myself from him to try to keep the children. I outright have told him that he can’t move in with us in the future.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4207
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: So I am very close to my children removal.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Jul 15, 2022 2:45 pm

Dear Durrelfan

Thank you for your updating post.

You were given different suggestions about your housing situation in my previous post, I do not know if you have followed up any of them. If not, I think you should try to get specialist advice from Shelter.

Also, you mention that you have a disability. Have you had a needs assessment carried out by your local authority’s adult disability service? I suggest you ask to be assessed so your own care needs and those of your children can be considered. You may be able to get support with regarding to your accommodation.

As your father has now agreed to go into a nursing home, you could ask the social worker to write a supporting letter to the housing department for you to remain in the property. If your father, the tenant no longer needs to live there, you may be asked to leave as you are not named on his tenancy.

Regarding your 10-year-old son, has he been referred to CAMHS for an assessment, from what you say in your post, it sounds very much that he may require support with his mental health? Ask your GP, the social worker, or his school about a referral for him. You may also find it helpful to speak with Contact, the services that advises families when children have a disability. Their telephone number is 0808 808 3555. Another organisation that might be able to offer you support and advice is Decipha and their telephone number is 020 7250 8255

Congratulations on having positive parenting and psychological assessments, this is very good and provided your housing situation can be resolved may give your desired out. I say this only based on what you have posted since I do not know the whole case.

I hope this information is helpful but do contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366 should you wish to speak to an adviser.

Best wishes

Suzie

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