Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

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BeeBee
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2022 12:14 pm

Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by BeeBee » Mon Jun 20, 2022 1:48 pm

Hi, I was in a new relationship with someone who was arrested and is now RUI for IIOC. I have stepped back from the relationship, but we do see each other in a supportive and friendship capacity and when we have the charges and outcome from court we will then decide what to do moving forwards. He currently has no contact with my daughter.

We have been through therapy together, and separately, I have maintained contact with his therapist, and solicitor, and also with the support bodies out there (LFF etc). I have researched the subject, and we have an honest conversation about all this. Safer Lives have been brilliant and are confident (in the absence of a formal risk assessment) that he is low risk of reoffending, and even lower risk of contact offending. He is so remorseful. And he cannot bear how much he has impacted everyones lives around him.

My daughter's safety is my absolute priority, and for the couple of months I stayed in the relationship with him before SS said this, I had a comprehensive safety plan in place, he never stayed over when she was in the house/was never unsupervised etc, and we were ready to go through the system and be assessed etc.

One reason I ceased our relationship (apart from my own peace of mind in waiting the for the formal charge so I can see in evidence what I working with - rather than just base it on trust he is telling me the truth) was because SS said they had to tell me ex husband.

The minute they said they would be informing him I had to bail. My husband is my ex for a reason. I do not trust him. I do not trust him to not take my daughter, or put me under extreme pressure like he does regarding every aspect of co-parenting. Or in fact not be aggressive towards me or my potential future partner. He was emotionally abusive in our relationship. He is unpredictable. He gaslights.

The Irony is, I trust my ex partner more than my ex husband. I feel safer with my ex partner than I do with my ex husband.

What I want to know is, do SS have a legal obligation to inform my ex husband, or can I prevent this happening? I do not see how this protects my daughter, as I am the one to protect her as it will be my relationship. It isn't his. All it will do is damage me emotionally, and potentially not have my daughters best interest at the foremost. Particularly if he tries to take her from me. Or if he is aggressive to either one of us.

This is me planning ahead should the charge be what I believe it to be, and we then decide to start our lives together again. He will be on the SOR for 5 years I suspect with a SHPO with online restrictions, so I am aware we have to go through the system but I have nothing to hide. I know I am good and supportive parent. I do believe he is remorseful, and I have trust he won't re-offend. The formal risk assessment he will have after the charges will hopefully back this up. And I will obviously re-consider if it throws up something concerning. I am keeping an open mind on all this. But the deal breaker will be regarding my ex husband.

So yes, after than ramble, what is the legal requirement for SS to inform my ex husband, and can I prevent this for the greater good - safety and security - of my family unit.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jun 22, 2022 2:46 pm

Dear Bee Bee

Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be responding to your post today.

You were in a relationship with a person who was arrested and released under investigation (RUI) for indecent imaging of children (IIOC). For your own peace of mind and because children’s services said they will be informing your ex-husband (father to your daughter who lives with you), you decided to halt the relationship. You are concerned that when (if) children’s services inform your ex-husband he will use this as leverage to remove your daughter from your into his care. Further you are worried that he will place ‘extreme pressure’ on you whilst you continue to co-parent and, potentially become aggressive to you and your partner (should you decide to resume a relationship with him). You say your ex-husband is/was aggressive, emotionally abusive and used so called gaslighting techniques as a method of control during your relationship. You would like to know whether children’s services have an obligation to inform your ex-husband of their involvement with your daughter and whether you can do anything to prevent this from happening.

It is good to hear that your daughter’s safety is your top priority and that you have put safeguarding measures in place to minimise risk and potential risk to her. Further, it is positive that you have taken a proactive approach by accessing information from The Lucy Faithful Foundation(LFF), attending therapy sessions with your ex-partner and having a comprehensive safety plan in place.

When children’s services complete an assessment for a child, they should take a holistic approach to ensure the whole of the child’s environment is considered and assessed. This will include contacting the non-resident parent if they have parental responsibility. Please find HERE a link to our advice sheet on parental responsibility which I hope you find helpful.

Your ex-husband is entitled to know if children’s services are involved with/assessing his child’s situation and the reason for this. In your case, due to the nature of the investigation it may be reasonable for her father to have concerns about his daughter's safety. If children's services consider your daughter may be at risk from your ex partner and they believe that sharing information with her father will reduce this risk, they will be justified in sharing the information. However, the information should be limited to what is necessary – so it does not mean that the social worker should share all the information they have with your daughter’s father, only what is relevant.

You have stated clearly that your ex-husband’s behaviour towards you was controlling and emotionally abusive. If you believe that sharing this information will put you or your daughter at risk, you should tell the allocated social worker this and ask that any decision to share information without your agreement should be made at a managerial level. You should also ask the social worker to put in writing to you what information they plan to release, and why. If you are not happy with the outcome, you can make a complaint and I have added a link HERE for further information and guidance on how to do this.

With respect to potential outcome of the investigation. The police and children’s services have different threshold criteria and it doesn’t necessarily follow that if the police decide no further action, children’s services will close their file. Children’s Services have a lower threshold to pursue statutory duties and enquiries.

I have added two links here for further information and guidance. This one HERE will take you to child in need assessments (and other) assessment information. This one HERE will take you to child protection enquires.

Lastly, this link HERE will take you to our working with social worker guidance which I hope you find helpful. You may wish to discuss your situation with an adviser. If you do please call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm (except bank holidays) or post back on here, if you prefer.

Best wishes, Suzie

BeeBee
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2022 12:14 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by BeeBee » Thu Jun 23, 2022 10:26 am

Suzie thank you. I think this world I am in is so confusing and having it explained simply is such a help. Thank you for the links. And for the guidance. Knowing my rights with SS is so reassuring. I will look at your links after work, and also I will call your helpline as I think I do need to take some notes and will have other questions around this to ask. I need to prepare a plan of action, make sure I have all my ducks in a row, the courses are done, the risk assessments done, I know my rights etc. This way I can increase their confidence in me with regard to safeguarding my daughter, so to reduce the level of detail they need to inform my ex husband.

Many thanks.

Bee Bee

Need help 2021
Posts: 161
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2021 9:23 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by Need help 2021 » Sun Jun 26, 2022 5:55 pm

Hi I just saw your post I wanted advice why is socail involved in with you ?

BeeBee
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2022 12:14 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by BeeBee » Fri Jul 08, 2022 2:19 pm

Hi WorriedWorrier. I am sorry I didn't see your message. I have PMd you

BeeBee
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2022 12:14 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by BeeBee » Fri Jul 08, 2022 2:22 pm

Need help 2021 wrote: Sun Jun 26, 2022 5:55 pm Hi I just saw your post I wanted advice why is socail involved in with you ?
Because we were in a relationship and I have a daughter under 18.

Kezza124
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2022 2:24 pm

Re: Can I prevent SS discussing my future relationship with my ex husband?

Post by Kezza124 » Thu Sep 08, 2022 1:29 am

Is there any update on this?

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