Will my children be at risk?

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Helpplease123
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2022 7:13 pm

Will my children be at risk?

Post by Helpplease123 » Tue Apr 26, 2022 8:34 am

Please help me.
I do not live with my partner. I have my own home for me and my two children. He has a house and two girls who visit and stay two nights a week:
basically 4 weeks ago my partner, Who was a little drunk combined with severely overtired due to the hours he works went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep in the wrong bed, turns out it was his 10 year olds daughter bed he passed out asleep in. He started talking some ***** in his sleep abs I couldn’t wake him so she woke up and ended up climbing into bed with me.

Next day I have a phone call from her mum as she has messaged her mum abs told her mum what had happened so I explained. She asked if he wa a perhaps drunk etc and basically implied she felt it was inappropriate and all this and she was happy she got in bed with me: I admit it wasn’t ideal; and he even admits it and wanted the opportunity to put things right and talk to his daughter. Yes he does sometimes drink too much;but that and combined with working 60-70 hour weeks hes knackered! He originally got into bed with me and I heard him get up for a wee and then drifted off to sleep not realising he hadn’t come back.

so mum has gone to social services 5 weeks ago; social services tried ringing my partner once three weeks ago and he keeps trying to call them back ad gets nothing! The social worker has been to see the girls at their home two weeks ago and still nothing. She reckons it doesn’t look good for him, and that the girls are saying they are scared and don’t want to go. Also claims that the girls have said they don’t like the way he speaks to me or I am upset. Every couple argues though! And she doesn’t like how he treats my kids. One example being that my youngest doesn’t stay up for the film, he is autistic and needs routine and he’s 4 whereas the other kids are 7 and older; and that my partner went and shouted at him to stop crying and go to sleep.
But firstly surely social services would have tried calling him more than once, fone to his work place or sent letters?
Secondly I don’t live with him me and the kids stay with him a few nights a week: so surely they wouldn’t really have a issue about my kids/ would they want to speak to their dads?
Thirdly she told me they wanted me address, kids names and kids school etc. she doesn’t know it so they said well we probably can’t track her down so we probably can’t speak to her. I did ring and speak with social services myself she gave me a direct number for the social worker which I was told not to pass on to my partner. Anyways I explained to her that until they have resolved their issue my children aren’t staying or seeing him which has completly thrown my son. She said if they feel there is a risk/care issue then they perhaps would have to investigate my children but we don’t live there and currently they aren’t staying there so they can’t be in any harms way. I explained to the social worker how the mother isn’t a saint and that she has also been passed out by the toilet and the eldest daughter who’s 10 FaceTimed he so we sorted it as the mum was drunk. She also has mentioned times to the social he was still a little drunk when dropping the kids off on a Sunday morning. I was completly sober and she just left the kids with me not really knowing me. (My children were at their dads). It’s just why suddenly is she bringing that up and surely the social will question her for that? The kids attendance at school on her days is horrendous.

But where does he and where do I stand? If my kids are not there surely that should be case closed and for him they have tried contact once?

i am stressing so bad, seems we have had a weekend away and he bought me a new dyson air wrap as anniversary gift and now she’s being a dick!
I am due to go on holiday abroad just me and my kids next week I want to be able to enjoy it! I also don’t want my kids taken away or having to involve their dads when we are only just co parenting

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Will my children be at risk?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Apr 27, 2022 2:45 pm

Dear Helpplease123,

Welcome to the parents’ forum and thank you for your post. I hope that the following advice is helpful.

The mother of your partner’s children has made a referral to children’s services after you partner got into his daughter’s bed at night. A social worker has been in contact with her, the children and yourself but has not yet spoken with your partner.

I would suggest that your partner rings the general number for children’s services and asks for the email address of the allocated social worker and their manager. He should then send them an email explaining that he has been unsuccessfully trying to get in touch with them and would like to arrange a time to speak on the phone or meet in person. As he is the father to the children the social worker should be involving him in their investigations and ensuring that his views are considered. He may find it helpful to read our Guide to working with social workers as this contains top tips about how best to work with social workers. If he feels that he is not being included in the investigation children’s services are carrying out then he may wish to make a formal complaint. More information about this can be found on our website here. It is really important that he ensures that the social worker has taken into consideration his views about the situation, as the outcome of the investigation will not be balanced if his views are not known. He should receive a copy of any assessment that children’s services undertake – if he does not then he should request this in writing. He also may find it useful to read our website here as it contains advice specifically for fathers.

At present it sounds as if children’s services are only involved regarding your partner’s children. However if they become concerned about your own children then they may decide to complete an assessment. If they do so then they should include the children’s fathers (for the reasons I outlined above). Although your partner doesn’t live with you if there are concerns that he is a risk to his own children then children’s services may become concerned that he could pose a risk to your children. I would encourage you to continue communicating openly and honestly with the social worker as their investigation continues. For now it sounds as if children’s services are not concerned about your children as they feel that you are safeguarding them appropriately. For more information about assessments please see our website here.

I hope that this is of some help. If you or your partner would like any further advice then please post again or you can call our helpline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) to speak with an adviser.

Best wishes,
Suzie

Helpplease123
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2022 7:13 pm

Re: Will my children be at risk?

Post by Helpplease123 » Wed Apr 27, 2022 5:24 pm

Thank you Suzie:

I am keeping my children away as I really don’t want them to ever think I wouldn’t safe guard them. I am just concerned as to why they haven’t tried contacting him again, both myself and the ex partner have told her he doesn’t work Mondays.

One question I suppose is legally what age is ever deemed inappropriate for children to be in bed with their parents. My 7 year old often climbs into bed with me and I don’t always exactly wear pjs to bed: so is that age deemed inappropriate. I’m not saying him getting drunk or whatever he appropriate and presume this is perhaps why social devices have taken a interest; but it now concerns me if my child was to go to the school abs tell them he got into my bed or vice versa what can of worms jr could cause if that makes sense.

Surely social services would give him the option to perhaps see the gurls under observation or after attending a drinks course etc.

This whole process has really scared me tbh: I often use to have a couple drinks around the kids or one of us would always be sober when I lived with my kids dad however now I fear having a drink and try will deem me unfit.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Will my children be at risk?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed May 04, 2022 12:53 pm

Dear Helpplease123,

There is no 'legal' age at which a child is able or not able to sleep in the same bed as a parent. Whether or not children services find such a situation concerning would depend on a number of factors, including the exact nature of the circumstance, the child's view and whether any abuse had taken place. This is something that the social worker should investigate further in your partner's case during their assessment.

In regards to your partner's contact with his daughters, he should speak to the social worker about this. It is usual for the social worker to ask for contact to be suspended with an alleged perpetrator during the assessment period, but your partner should be clear on what steps he can take to ensure any contact that does happen is safe. He may want to raise the possibility of supervised contact for now, and put forward a friend or family member to supervise this.

In relation to your own children, it is clear you are taking proactive steps currently by stopping contact. Again, you should speak to the social worker about what their recommendations are for contact between your partner and your children - they may advise that contact does not happen whilst they carry out their investigation. Right now, your children are not open to children's services and are not undergoing an assessment You mention that you are worried about the fact you would sometimes have a drink in the presence of your children and are worried about drinking in front of them now. Children's services have not received a referral about your drinking and would not be concerned about a parent drinking unless this led to problematic behaviours that impacted the children. If you have any concerns about your level of drinking, you may want to speak to your GP about this.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

Helpplease123
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2022 7:13 pm

Re: Will my children be at risk?

Post by Helpplease123 » Sun May 08, 2022 9:24 am

Thank you, it has now been several week and he still has had no contact from them. He left a message for the worker but no reply. It’s getting frustrating now. It’s really impacting massively on our lives as it is, without the lack of contact.

I’m not concerned about my drinking at all but thank you: I will occasionally have a glass of something when the kids are asleep but I don’t drink excessively. But just concerned me the way the social worker was like we don’t seem drinking as if one or two they would take seriously as well.

It’s just a complete mess and so stressful. I haven’t since heard from his childrens mum since I spoke with the social worker that day and explained about her behaviour with slcholmshall we say. I just feel that can’t be that concerns to contact him if it’s been all the weeks x

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Will my children be at risk?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri May 13, 2022 3:24 pm

Dear Helplpease123

Thanks for your post. I am sorry to hear the situation has not moved on.

Please take a look at my earlier reply for some further suggestions for your partner to consider in order to prompt a response and an update from the social worker. He can explain the impact this is having and query what the delay is. Our tips on working with a social worker sets out some options to try. He can remind the social worker that the maximum timescale for assessments to be completed is 45 working days – I am not sure of the date of the referral but I think that deadline may be approaching.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

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