Ex in prison for dv can we be a family again

[Lemon1]

Hi everyone I’m new here. I don’t really know where to turn. I’ll give as much detail as I can. So, me and my ex was in a relationship for 6 months, I have know him all my life ( he was my first love at 16) i have 2 children he doesn’t have any. The first incident happend a few months in where he slapped me, ( both kids were in bed)I rang the police he was arrested however I dropped the charges and there was no further action. Of course the SS came to visit and said I can’t be with him as they needed to do an assessment. He left for a few days, however he was really apologetic so I let him return but didn’t tell anyone. A few months after this we had an argument and he threw me on the bed and put his hands around my throat for what seemed like forever. He stopped and felt awful and tried to make things ok but I wasn’t having it. I ran to my neighbours with the kids. My sister came to pick me up and called the police. I told them everything that happend throughout the relationship ( looking back I told them too much )but I felt pressured to do so with my family there) they interviewed both my kids , the youngest told them that he seen what he did . I wasn’t aware of this at the time as I closed the bedroom door. Anyway the day after the SS came to visit me and told me they was only a few days away from closing the case, but now they would be placed under child in need because I was dishonest with them . I had to sign an agreement that I wouldn’t have any contact with him which I haven’t. My ex was then remanded until his court date which is in a couple of weeks. This is where things get complicated. A few days ago I found out I was pregnant. I have told the news to his mother so she can tell him as I think he has a right to know. So my question is will we still have the chance to be a family ? I wouldn’t have him back at the house until he goes through therapy and completes all the necessary courses etc and I’ll be telling SS this as I don’t want my children taking away. This will be his first child and I know he will be a brilliant dad , and it will make him a better person. He’s had a really hard life , he was a drug addict for 16 years , and clean for 2 years. He’s never had any responsibility and I believe with the right help he can change . Can anyone tell me what questions I need to ask the SS ? Please don’t judge me I can’t talk to my family about this, they hate him and can’t see my point of view.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Lemon1,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You say in your post that you were with your ex-partner for 6 months. You have two children of your own. A few months ago, there was an incident in which he physically assaulted you. You reported this to the police and children services completed an assessment. Your ex-partner left the home, but returned a few days later, but you did not tell anyone. A few months later there was an argument and he strangled you - your sister called the police and you disclosed the abuse that you had suffered in the relationship. The police also interviewed your children and your youngest child disclosed that he had witnessed the incident. Children's services then visited you and informed you that they were going to close the case but that they children would now be on a child in need plan. You have agreed to having no context with your ex, who is remanded in custody until his court date. You have since found out that you are pregnant. You would like to know whether you will have the chance to be a family - you would like him to complete therapy and necessary courses, and do not want him to return to the house immediately.

Firstly, I would like to say that I am sorry to hear about the distressing experience you have had in your previous relationship. I am an unclear from your post what decision was made following the initial assessment that was completed - as I understand it, your children are now on a child in need plan? There have been at least two serious incidents in which you have experienced abuse at the hands of your ex-partner, and children's services therefore have concerns about your children's safety should the relationship continue. You have agreed to have no contact with him and there may be other expectations and actions attached to the child in need plan. It is important that you understand from the social worker exactly why they are concerned and what they now expect from you to demonstrate that your children are safe in your care.

Your ex-partner is currently remanded and depending on what happens at his court date, may be released soon. You say that you would like to resume the relationship and potentially allow him to move back in dependant on him engaging with services. It is understandable that given your pregnancy you would like to try to have a family with your ex-partner, however, yours and your children's safety must always be your paramount consideration. You can discuss with the social worker that you would like to work towards being in a relationship with your ex-partner and what steps they would like both of you to take to demonstrate that this will not put your children at risk. From what you have told me about the serious nature of the domestic abuse, this is likely to cause the social worker to become concerned about your ex-partner re-entering your lives, and they may take the view that you are not acting in a sufficiently protective way.

Whilst children's services cannot dictate to you who you can be in a relationship with, they do have a legal duty to protect your children. If they think that resuming contact with your ex-partner will put your children at risk of significant harm, they may initiate child protection enquiries, which may result in your children being placed on a child protection plan. Please see here for more information on child protection procedures. If they are extremely concerned, they may initiate pre-proceedings, which is the stage before making an application to the court, known as care proceedings. In the worse case scenario, children's services can apply to the courts for removal of your children if they think this is necessary to secure their safety.

You may find it helpful to take a look at our page on domestic abuse here for more information on why children's services can have worries in cases such as yours. I am not sure if you are already engaging with any domestic abuse service - here is a link to a number of organisations who you may also find helpful to contact.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.