Need help

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Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:31 am

Need help

Post by Mumof3.. » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:51 pm

My partner was arrested on suspicion of IIOC and PWITs (3 small bags of class A found in my house with scales, I wasn't aware they were there) he was on license at the time for another offence, and because he broke some conditions he was recalled to prison. (Conditions he broke were to disclose if he was in a relationship or to not live around with children without social services approval). He broke these license conditions protecting me from my ex, as there was a few domestic issues there, such as controlling and abusive behaviour, and he has also taken my children out of the house and threatened to keep then when he thought I was seeing someone new. My now partner has convictions of coercive and controlling behaviour against a previous partner, and violent offences. He hasn't not been charged for IIOC at present, and strongly denies the allegation.
When he got arrested, a referral to social services was made, but because I ended the relationship and stopped contact, the children were put on CIN plan.. and this was due to one of my children needing more support that social service could influence as he is suspected to have autism.
Me and my partner regained contact a couple of months ago, while he is still in prison, and have spoke about getting back together. For now we have discussed how he won't be coming round to my home or having any contact with my children until the police investigation is over and his name is cleared as I am aware he poses a risk to them, and if any charges I will walk away. I have also said i would be speaking to social services before he can come back, because the last thing I want is to put my kids in jeopardy.
His OMU has been listening to the phone calls in prison, and has notified social services that I am in contact and its sounds like were are in a relationship. I had a children in need meeting and this was discussed briefly, but social services said they weren't happy I was in contact and would like to speak to me face to face..
I'm now panicking as I didn't belive I did anything wrong??
I didn't tell social that I was in contact again, but they never asked me.
I have a safety plan written out myself that I am happy to show them, I have disclosed this with my parents as they are the ones who look after my children in my house.
The safety plan states that I am having CCTV fitted, my partner won't be having contact with children or welcomed into my home. The doors will be kept locked and if he does appear we will call the police as he knows I don't want him here..
However, I will be seeing him when I haven't got the kids away from my family home.
Will they try taking my children even though he isn't around them?? I don't see how they can stop me having my own personal life away from the kids..
Sorry for the long post and any advice would be appreciated

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Need help

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Nov 23, 2021 4:33 pm

Dear Mumof3..

Welcome to the parents’ forum and thankyou for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be responding to you today.

Your partner is currently in prison after being arrested on suspicion of owning Indecent Images of Children and for Possession with Intent to Supply class A drugs. You say that he has convictions of coercive and controlling behaviour against a previous partner as well as violent offences. You ended the relationship and stopped contact after a referral to children’s services was made by the police after his arrest. Children’s services put a CIN plan in place.

You got back in contact a few months ago and the Offender Management Unit have passed on to children’s services that you are in contact and that they think that you may be in a relationship again. You say that you are considering restarting the relationship when he leaves prison. You have put together a safety plan which you feel will keep your children safe and you say that you would only meet with him outside of the family home and when you don’t have your children with you. You are worried about what children’s services response may be now that they have found out that you are back in contact with him. You feel that you should be entitled to having a personal life when you are not with the children.

I hope that the following is helpful to you.

Change in circumstances
From what you have said, your ex-partner has several very serious convictions and allegations against him. Children’s services placed your children on a CIN plan because they believed that they were not at risk of significant harm after you ended your relationship and stopped contact with your ex-partner. There has now been a change in circumstances and children’s services will have to reconsider whether your children may be at risk of significant harm. They may complete a Section 47 investigation which could result in your children becoming subject to Child Protection plans, or them starting the pre-proceedings process if they feel that they might need to apply to the Family Court for a care order to keep your children safe.

History of abusive behaviour
Although you haven’t said that your ex-partner has been abusive towards you, his history and convictions of coercive and controlling behaviour towards a previous partner show that he has been a perpetrator of domestic abuse and so children’s services are likely to be concerned that he may display this behaviour towards you at some point in the future. His history of violent offences will add weight to their concerns that he may become violent towards you. Although you say that you plan to only meet with him outside of the family home and without your children present, children’s services are likely to be concerned about any level of relationship you have with someone who has this type of criminal history. Perpetrators of domestic abuse (which includes coercive and controlling behaviour) are often very clever at manipulating people in order to get what they want, and children’s services are likely to be worried that he would exert control over you resulting in you not sticking to the safety plan. It is concerning that your ex-partner does not appear to have been honest with you in the past (he didn’t tell you that he had placed Class A drugs in your house for example) and children’s services are likely to be concerned that this indicates his inclination towards manipulative behaviour. They would be worried that any level of relationship that you have with him may put you, and therefore by association your children, at risk.

It is important to understand that the practical reality of this kind of situation is that it is extremely difficult to be involved in a relationship with someone and keep that entirely separate from your children. This is why children’s services are likely to be worried that a restarting a relationship with your ex-partner will ultimately put the children at risk of harm.

Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. This is because research shows that children can suffer long-term harm as a result of domestic abuse. You can find detailed information about children’s services and why they might become involved here and you may find these Domestic abuse FAQs for mothers helpful.

Indecent images of children
Although your partner hasn’t been charged or convicted of the allegation relating to indecent images of children, children’s services will be very concerned about this allegation. You say that if he is charged and found guilty you would end the relationship; it is important to discuss this openly with the social worker and to consider the possibility that it might be a better idea to wait until the police investigation has been completed before considering whether to restart a relationship with him. If you do become involved in a relationship with him prior to the investigation being completed children’s services will very likely be concerned about your understanding of the risk involved.

Protecting your children from harm and working with children’s services
It is clear that you do have the safety and wellbeing of your children at the forefront of your mind. It is important that when you are discussing your situation with children’s services you ensure that you keep focussed on this and remain open to working with them to create a plan that best protects your children from any harm. You may find our guide to Working with a social worker helpful.

Domestic abuse support
I am sorry to hear that you experienced domestic abuse from your children’s father. Have you ever received any specific support around this? It may be useful to consider getting specific support from organisations around this. There are courses available which outline what domestic abuse can look like and how you can spot it early on. The Freedom Programme provides this kind of course for free and is all online. You can also find more organisations that offer support to victims of domestic abuse here.

I hope that you have found this helpful. If you have any further questions then please do post again or you can call our helpline on 0800 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) and speak with an adviser.

Best wishes,

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