Hey all,
Im new here and could do with some advice. Im in my 30s and have 4 kids at home 2 girls age 11 and 5 and 2 boys age 6 and 3. The 2 boys both have autism and additional needs. The 6 year old is esp hard work non verbal and mentally a baby. The 6 year is under a child in need ( something that took 5 referrals from me as we needed the support and some doors opened ). And also I have hubby at home normally but not right now which I shall explain as to why. Oh last background info I work full time also which can be hard 4 kids and 2 additional needs. Background over now the story My daughter is 11 and at high school , she has a phone due to lockdown to stay in touch friends and also for the bus. She has been told not to get social media etc by her dad and myself. Anyway she had a friend over the other day and they took selfies with Pouts etc which were maybe too old I don’t know but but not shared anywhere. Her dad saw them and flipped as she’s been told not to. He came upstairs where I was pushed me on the bed and put his fist in my face and said why did you let her etc …. Then he went for a shower and out of fear or whatever I called the police. While waiting for them discovered he also pushed my daughter over before coming up to me. The police came and spoke us all and then told him leave for a bit so we could all cool down. That’s a week ago and I’ve kept him away for now , he’s actually going see family abroad next week for 5 weeks and the Space will do us good I believe so I can make right choice ( and Kids will come 1st ) as far as I know the crime is recorded as common assault on police system but not being prosecuted if that makes sense it’s hard explain. My son has a disability social worker who will do a new assessment due to what happened. What do you think could be possible outcomes ? Right now all possibilities going round in my head , take him back , split for good , something in middle. No excuses and that’s why he’s currently out of house. But previous in 11 years we had an argument 18 months ago ( no body was hurt ) and he left for 3 weeks - Covid stress caused. Normally he’s an okay dad and helps lots with all. I’m confused and course kids come 1st but still confused.com what to do and what they might advise. Maybe I’m a little nervous and scared.
What next
Re: What next
Update - I called them today for an update and they said they would only do an assessment if he was to return to live with me. So when he gets back from trip abroad seeing family it’s best he goes his mates house I’ve advised him. I’m still all mixed up and confused , the 4 weeks he’s away I’ll become stronger I’m sure and do what’s best
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4249
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: What next
Dear Jo921,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be responding to you today. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your family are experiencing.
You describe an incident at home in which your husband physically assaulted you and your daughter. This has been recorded by the police as a common assault however he is not being prosecuted. Your husband is not currently residing in the family home, but you are unsure what the best course of action would be once he returns back to this country as you have been advised that if he returns to the family home children’s services will undertake an assessment.
I am unable to advise you what you should do, however I can give you some information which I hope will be helpful to you in making any decisions.
This incident will be classified by children’s services as ‘domestic abuse’ or ‘domestic violence’; you can read about how this is defined here. Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. This is because research shows that children can suffer long-term harm as a result of domestic abuse. You can find detailed information about children’s services and why they might become involved here and you may find these Domestic abuse FAQs for mothers helpful.
If children’s services do decide to undertake an assessment then the possible outcomes include no further action, a referral to early help services, a child in need plan or a child protection plan. I cannot speculate on what the outcome of any assessment on your children might be, but it would be useful to read the information attached to these links so that you feel that you understand what outcomes might be possible.
Regardless of any assessment outcome by children’s services it is clear that your children and their safety is your priority. You may find it helpful to seek support through organisations that work specifically with victims of domestic abuse. Talking about this experience with specialised services may help you gain some clarity about what you would like to do going forward. You can find links to some of these organisations here. It would also be a good idea to discuss with your husband him attending a perpetrator programme which will help him to address his violence and abuse and will reduce the likelihood of further risk to you and your children. You can find more information about perpetrator programmes on the website here. Your husband may also find these FAQs on domestic violence for fathers helpful. His response to the concerns about his behaviour will be crucial in any assessment undertaken. He may also be interested in some parenting support to cope with different challenges as the children develop.
You have already put in place a temporary safety plan by asking your husband to stay at his friend’s house when he returns to the UK. This is a protective and responsible decision as it will allow him to access support and services if he is willing, for children’s services to assess in a planned way if you are wishing to live together as a family and for you to discuss a safety plan with your children, so that if an incident happens in future you are able to keep yourselves safe. Open conversations with your children about this issue will mean that they are more likely to confide in you should they experience violence or abuse in future. It may also be helpful for your daughter (and possibly the other children) to speak with a counsellor about this experience. Perhaps you could discuss this with her school and see if they can offer any support regarding this.
I hope you find this helpful and should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday. You are also welcome to post again in this forum.
Best wishes,
Suzie
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be responding to you today. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your family are experiencing.
You describe an incident at home in which your husband physically assaulted you and your daughter. This has been recorded by the police as a common assault however he is not being prosecuted. Your husband is not currently residing in the family home, but you are unsure what the best course of action would be once he returns back to this country as you have been advised that if he returns to the family home children’s services will undertake an assessment.
I am unable to advise you what you should do, however I can give you some information which I hope will be helpful to you in making any decisions.
This incident will be classified by children’s services as ‘domestic abuse’ or ‘domestic violence’; you can read about how this is defined here. Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. This is because research shows that children can suffer long-term harm as a result of domestic abuse. You can find detailed information about children’s services and why they might become involved here and you may find these Domestic abuse FAQs for mothers helpful.
If children’s services do decide to undertake an assessment then the possible outcomes include no further action, a referral to early help services, a child in need plan or a child protection plan. I cannot speculate on what the outcome of any assessment on your children might be, but it would be useful to read the information attached to these links so that you feel that you understand what outcomes might be possible.
Regardless of any assessment outcome by children’s services it is clear that your children and their safety is your priority. You may find it helpful to seek support through organisations that work specifically with victims of domestic abuse. Talking about this experience with specialised services may help you gain some clarity about what you would like to do going forward. You can find links to some of these organisations here. It would also be a good idea to discuss with your husband him attending a perpetrator programme which will help him to address his violence and abuse and will reduce the likelihood of further risk to you and your children. You can find more information about perpetrator programmes on the website here. Your husband may also find these FAQs on domestic violence for fathers helpful. His response to the concerns about his behaviour will be crucial in any assessment undertaken. He may also be interested in some parenting support to cope with different challenges as the children develop.
You have already put in place a temporary safety plan by asking your husband to stay at his friend’s house when he returns to the UK. This is a protective and responsible decision as it will allow him to access support and services if he is willing, for children’s services to assess in a planned way if you are wishing to live together as a family and for you to discuss a safety plan with your children, so that if an incident happens in future you are able to keep yourselves safe. Open conversations with your children about this issue will mean that they are more likely to confide in you should they experience violence or abuse in future. It may also be helpful for your daughter (and possibly the other children) to speak with a counsellor about this experience. Perhaps you could discuss this with her school and see if they can offer any support regarding this.
I hope you find this helpful and should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday. You are also welcome to post again in this forum.
Best wishes,
Suzie
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