Hi all,
I want to make this as short as possible. My son is currently living with his dad, there was a supervision order made in April 2015. During the court assessments, there were certain things that his father needed to do at his house, this included redecorating and carpeting etc. Home conditions at that point were considered poor yet under the supervision order were supposed to be improved.
Fast forward to now, I have video contact with my son twice a week, my son's older sibling who lives with me also takes part. Over the last year we have glimpsed parts of the house, most recently yesterday morning, my son showed me his room which I can only describe as horrendous. Clothes,discareded litter, and food all over the floor there was no walking room at all. I was appalled at the state of the room in which my ten-year-old is living, we started the video call at 8 am yesterday, it abruptly ended at 10:30 am when his father got out of bed, my son rarely calls me outside our designated times but yesterday he said he was lonely and had been up on his own since 5 am.
On other occasions, we have seen the front room, in poor condition with rubbish everywhere, and a coffee table that looked like it hadn't seen a clean cloth in months. My son entered the kitchen on one video call even though he wasn't supposed to go in there while on call, the sides were grubby with more litter laying about.
Twice my son has reported that he's had to have his bed sprayed due to bed bugs.
My son is massively overweight, he eats a lot of food during the day, large adult size portions of food most of which are takeaways. He has sent me photos of his dinners in the past. He gets bullied in school regularly due to his size.
We used to have face-to-face contact before Covid. These contacts would have his father watching and listening over us and any time my son started to mention anything regarding his home or his normal day-to-day routine his father would interrupt, quickly changing the subject.
There is so much more I can add but want to keep this short.
I have raised concerns with my son's school but they don't seem overly worried despite my son regularly coming in unkept, untidy, etc. I raised concerns as my son spent a period of time having showers at school due to father not getting the boiler fixed at the house for some time.
I have tried contacting the local authority, but again it seems no one is too interested. My son is obviously known to the authorities due to previous involvement. There have been numerous reports on the condition of the house during the assessments which claim it to be unclean and unhygenic.
I'm wondering where I should go from here? If anyone could advise. Part of me wants to rush down there bash on the door and retrieve my son as clearly no one else appears to be interested. I'm concerned about my son's well-being not just physically but mentally. With children's services own guidelines not meeting a child's basic care needs is neglect.
*My son does not live with me due to me being involved in a previous toxic relationship, he was removed along with his older sibling. I was given my older son back, once I had made changes and got help*
What would you do?
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4230
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: What would you do?
Dear Miss H
Welcome to the discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be advising you today. I am sorry to hear you are worried about your son.
Your 10-year-old son has been living with his father since 2015. This arrangement was put in place because of your relationship with an ex-partner which you describe as ‘toxic.’ You are no longer in this relationship; you have made changes to your life and your other son is now back in your care. You say your son and his father were supported via a Supervision Order but do not say whether there are any other orders in place. The Supervision Order was put in place to support father with his home conditions which at the time were deemed good enough but requiring some improvement.
You have video contact with your son twice a week, this is due to covid restrictions. Prior to the restrictions you were having face to face contact with him. Speaking to your son via video has enabled you to see glimpses of his living conditions and this has alarmed and concerned you. You have raised your concerns with your son’s school and with Children’s Services. You say the school ‘don't seem overly worried’ and Children’s Services are not ‘too interested. ’
Raising the matter with Children’s Services
I would suggest you contact Children’s Services to report your concerns again. Whilst you have only seen glimpses of the home conditions, given what you have described, the historical concerns and the fact that your son is calling you at 5am because he is lonely (which is unusual for him), suggest that concerns regarding your son’s care and his home conditions have deteriorated. If you do not feel listened to by the department, I would suggest you raise your concerns to the NSPCC. HERE this is the link that explains how you can do this. You can remain anonymous if you wish.
When you raised your concerns to Children’s Services, what was the outcome – do you know? You retain parental responsibility for your child therefore you should be included in any assessments and be informed of the outcome and recommendations. I would suggest you go back to Children’s Services to ask for a written response to the outcome of the concerns raised. If you are not satisfied with this response, I would advise you to put this in writing to the complaints department.
I have added a link HERE which discusses parental responsibility. You may find this helpful to read through and also to use as a point of reference when discussing your concerns with professionals.
Please find details HERE about making complaints to children’s services. There are a number of ways to make your complaint and this page explains those methods.
If someone has been through all three stages of the complaints process but is unhappy with the outcome, they can complain to the Local Government Ombudsman. See HERE for more information about how to pursue this type of complaint.
Orders
Please could you clarify whether your son’s father has a Child Arrangements Order (lives with) and if you have a Child Arrangements Order (for contact) for him. As a parent with parental responsibility, you can get private law advice about your legal options. This includes taking the matter back to court if you want to apply for your son to live with you due to your concerns about his father’s care. Please see HERE for sources of private law advice. This organisation offers support and advice and offers a reduced fee for legal advice should you need it.
Raising the matter with school
You have raised your concerns to the school, what was the outcome of this – do you know? The school has a duty of care to the children they teach and will have procedures and guidance in place to address any concerns raised for a child. I would advise you to ask this question to the head teacher in writing and ask for a written response.
You say your son is being bullied because he is ‘massively overweight.’ Is the bullying being address by the school? I would advise you to request a meeting with the head teacher to discuss what measures are being put in place to ensure your son can learn, socialise and play in a safe, non-abusive environment.
You retain parental responsibility for your child therefore you should receive copies of any reports or plans made and unless there are court ordered restrictions that say otherwise, you should be invited to attend any meetings held.
Health
I would suggest you included this in your concerns to the Local Authority or the NSPCC and speak to your son’s GP (and school nurse if there is one). As stated above, you retain parental responsibility for your child and this is a reasonable request to make.
Contact
You were having face to face contact with you son prior to the pandemic. This was swapped to video contact due to restrictions. You do not say whether the face to face contact was supervised or unsupervised, in your home or another venue or outside. Restrictions have greatly ease now and I have added HERE a link to the government website which provides up to date information about meeting up.
I hope this information has been helpful to you. Should you wish to speak to an adviser following this reply, please call our free advice line: 0808 801 0366 (Mon to Fri 9.30a.m. – 3.00p.m.) Or please post again on this board if you have a further query.
Best wishes, Suzie
Welcome to the discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I will be advising you today. I am sorry to hear you are worried about your son.
Your 10-year-old son has been living with his father since 2015. This arrangement was put in place because of your relationship with an ex-partner which you describe as ‘toxic.’ You are no longer in this relationship; you have made changes to your life and your other son is now back in your care. You say your son and his father were supported via a Supervision Order but do not say whether there are any other orders in place. The Supervision Order was put in place to support father with his home conditions which at the time were deemed good enough but requiring some improvement.
You have video contact with your son twice a week, this is due to covid restrictions. Prior to the restrictions you were having face to face contact with him. Speaking to your son via video has enabled you to see glimpses of his living conditions and this has alarmed and concerned you. You have raised your concerns with your son’s school and with Children’s Services. You say the school ‘don't seem overly worried’ and Children’s Services are not ‘too interested. ’
Raising the matter with Children’s Services
I would suggest you contact Children’s Services to report your concerns again. Whilst you have only seen glimpses of the home conditions, given what you have described, the historical concerns and the fact that your son is calling you at 5am because he is lonely (which is unusual for him), suggest that concerns regarding your son’s care and his home conditions have deteriorated. If you do not feel listened to by the department, I would suggest you raise your concerns to the NSPCC. HERE this is the link that explains how you can do this. You can remain anonymous if you wish.
When you raised your concerns to Children’s Services, what was the outcome – do you know? You retain parental responsibility for your child therefore you should be included in any assessments and be informed of the outcome and recommendations. I would suggest you go back to Children’s Services to ask for a written response to the outcome of the concerns raised. If you are not satisfied with this response, I would advise you to put this in writing to the complaints department.
I have added a link HERE which discusses parental responsibility. You may find this helpful to read through and also to use as a point of reference when discussing your concerns with professionals.
Please find details HERE about making complaints to children’s services. There are a number of ways to make your complaint and this page explains those methods.
If someone has been through all three stages of the complaints process but is unhappy with the outcome, they can complain to the Local Government Ombudsman. See HERE for more information about how to pursue this type of complaint.
Orders
Please could you clarify whether your son’s father has a Child Arrangements Order (lives with) and if you have a Child Arrangements Order (for contact) for him. As a parent with parental responsibility, you can get private law advice about your legal options. This includes taking the matter back to court if you want to apply for your son to live with you due to your concerns about his father’s care. Please see HERE for sources of private law advice. This organisation offers support and advice and offers a reduced fee for legal advice should you need it.
Raising the matter with school
You have raised your concerns to the school, what was the outcome of this – do you know? The school has a duty of care to the children they teach and will have procedures and guidance in place to address any concerns raised for a child. I would advise you to ask this question to the head teacher in writing and ask for a written response.
You say your son is being bullied because he is ‘massively overweight.’ Is the bullying being address by the school? I would advise you to request a meeting with the head teacher to discuss what measures are being put in place to ensure your son can learn, socialise and play in a safe, non-abusive environment.
You retain parental responsibility for your child therefore you should receive copies of any reports or plans made and unless there are court ordered restrictions that say otherwise, you should be invited to attend any meetings held.
Health
I would suggest you included this in your concerns to the Local Authority or the NSPCC and speak to your son’s GP (and school nurse if there is one). As stated above, you retain parental responsibility for your child and this is a reasonable request to make.
Contact
You were having face to face contact with you son prior to the pandemic. This was swapped to video contact due to restrictions. You do not say whether the face to face contact was supervised or unsupervised, in your home or another venue or outside. Restrictions have greatly ease now and I have added HERE a link to the government website which provides up to date information about meeting up.
I hope this information has been helpful to you. Should you wish to speak to an adviser following this reply, please call our free advice line: 0808 801 0366 (Mon to Fri 9.30a.m. – 3.00p.m.) Or please post again on this board if you have a further query.
Best wishes, Suzie
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