Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Owly82
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:33 am

Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Owly82 » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:52 am

I am writing to get some advice. I have been with my partner for just over a year now. He told me after our first two dates that he was on the sex offenders register for downloading indecent images of children. Prior to this we had dated 2 years before but he ended it because (I now know) he had been told that he was going to be on the register for 10 years instead of the 5 that he had initially been told.

For me, the context within which his offence took place matters alot. His wife was cheating on him for 2 years, his brother died at the same time and he developed an addiction to pornography. Over a period of about 2 months he downloaded a low number of images of children. He was convicted a long time after the offence and had not done anything since. When it caught up with him he had 50 percent custody and a girlfriend and had not done anything since the offence. He was given a 2 year suspended sentence which is now complete.

He has no contact with my two children whatsoever and does not stay overnight in my home. We get to see each other twice a week and I get to stay at his home about twice a month because my children don't see their father very often, particularly since covid when he has been completely unreliable. My partner has unsupervised contact with his two children and is currently back at family court to increase the amount of time he has with his children as it was meant to progress to overnights and a holiday but his ex has refused.

I recently told my close family members the details of his conviction because I wanted them to understand why our relationship is moving so slowly and why he finds it hard to let his guard down to me because his previous girlfriend could not cope with the repercussions of taking the steps to move the relationship forwards (talking to social services etc). Her ex husband said he would tell all her friends and she couldn't face that.

My family, my father and his wife in particular, are extremely angry with me. My father has got everyone in my close family to panic about losing their jobs should they ever meet my partner. My father has told me I have to decide between my partner and them and has told me I'm not to tell anyone else.

I am extremely alone and upset. I'm writing here to get solid advice on whether my job or anyone's job is put at risk by association. I'm a dance teacher and I teach children and adults. My work is outside of the home.

I also want to know what lies in store should we self refer to social services when he feels ready to progress the relationship. He isn't ready and wants to make progress on his family court case first but I am finding it very hard to have such a part time relationship. I want to minimise the impact on my children but I'm willing to do anything to safeguard them other than take the easy option of ending the relationship. I am also afraid of what my ex will do when he is told as he was abusive and continues to try and control me. I do have an injunction in place but had it altered to try and facilitate a relationship between him and his children for their sake.

Please give me some hope that there is a way forward in all this. I do not condone my partners crime but I do feel he has been punished enough and I can't get on board with seeing all sex offenders as the same when the level of offence is so different between cases.

Bossman1959
Posts: 41
Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2021 10:51 am

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Bossman1959 » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:30 am

I can only imagine how tormented you must feel, the way in which your family have not coped with your choice just compounding any insecurities you may have.

I cant give you any actual answers however I can say, I am in agreement with what you say about the register holding all to the same level regardless of the actual crime.

I dont think your standing at work will alter, the DBS check is on you not your partner. However you may find that once people know then some will be as you father and refuse to associate with you in both work and social life. Which could impact on your ability to make a living.

Your ex could when they find out go either way. From what you have said I would imagine him to try to gain a residence order and possibly even shut you out of your children's lives. I am not saying he will succeed.

I appreciate I have probably not said anything you don't all ready know, I just sought to support you on your journey.

I hope my words have helped.

Owly82
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:33 am

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Owly82 » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:49 am

Thank you for answering. I hope that my exes utter rubbishness as a parent would go against him in that respect but I do worry about the cost of any court proceedings, I just don't have the money. I hate that he has parental responsibility without doind a thing other than let the children down repeatedly.

Would my places of work need to be informed of my relationship? It doesn't seem fair to punish me and loose my living when my work is completely seperate to my home life. I feel that the law should protect people from this attitude of guilt by association.

Bossman1959
Posts: 41
Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2021 10:51 am

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Bossman1959 » Sat Aug 28, 2021 10:14 am

You are welcome, I am not sure if its something we need to legally do, I don't think so as it's not your conviction. I would say your choice.
However some employers may be supportive whilst others not. Depending on the size of employer some could try and use it against you.
I agree we should be allowed to make our own decisions with out fear of reprisals. Some people don't see this kind of offence as anything other than disgusting. Which makes it difficult for those of us who identify with the person and not the crime.
You are in a very difficult position, I feel for you, you can get opinions but the choice is yours and not an easy one.
To be totally honest I have no idea about what happens when they come off the register it may stay with them the rest of their lives.

One step at a time us all you can take, take care..

Mog123
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2021 12:58 pm

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Mog123 » Fri Sep 03, 2021 3:00 pm

Owly82 wrote: Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:49 am Thank you for answering. I hope that my exes utter rubbishness as a parent would go against him in that respect but I do worry about the cost of any court proceedings, I just don't have the money. I hate that he has parental responsibility without doind a thing other than let the children down repeatedly.

Would my places of work need to be informed of my relationship? It doesn't seem fair to punish me and loose my living when my work is completely seperate to my home life. I feel that the law should protect people from this attitude of guilt by association.
They don't have to be informed and are not allowed to ask about cautions or convictions of people you live with or in a relationship with. Disqualification by association only exists if care for children takes place in a domestic setting. So unless the dance school is in your house you're OK. However, you can be disqualified if any orders are made regards care of your children, so be wary of the SS. The logic is if you are deemed unable to safeguard your own children then you can't safeguard other people's.

Look at the policies your employer has in place but I wouldn't discuss it with them.

Owly82
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:33 am

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Owly82 » Fri Sep 03, 2021 8:23 pm

Thank you, this is really helpful. I'm self employed/freelance. I dont know if that makes a difference. I do know that my partner stayed for 10 days at his mother's house not long after his conviction. She was a headteacher and got fired as a result. They had to apologise and offer her job back but the damage was done and she took the compensation payout instead.

I guess I'm worried that my ex would take it upon himself to tell people I work for out of spite once he is informed should we decided to self refer in order to move the relationship forwards. I know my father holds the opinion that I've put my whole families jobs at risk which is ridiculous as they have never even met him and I'm happy for it to stay that way.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Sep 07, 2021 11:09 am

Owly82 wrote: Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:52 am I am writing to get some advice. I have been with my partner for just over a year now. He told me after our first two dates that he was on the sex offenders register for downloading indecent images of children. Prior to this we had dated 2 years before but he ended it because (I now know) he had been told that he was going to be on the register for 10 years instead of the 5 that he had initially been told.

For me, the context within which his offence took place matters alot. His wife was cheating on him for 2 years, his brother died at the same time and he developed an addiction to pornography. Over a period of about 2 months he downloaded a low number of images of children. He was convicted a long time after the offence and had not done anything since. When it caught up with him he had 50 percent custody and a girlfriend and had not done anything since the offence. He was given a 2 year suspended sentence which is now complete.

He has no contact with my two children whatsoever and does not stay overnight in my home. We get to see each other twice a week and I get to stay at his home about twice a month because my children don't see their father very often, particularly since covid when he has been completely unreliable. My partner has unsupervised contact with his two children and is currently back at family court to increase the amount of time he has with his children as it was meant to progress to overnights and a holiday but his ex has refused.

I recently told my close family members the details of his conviction because I wanted them to understand why our relationship is moving so slowly and why he finds it hard to let his guard down to me because his previous girlfriend could not cope with the repercussions of taking the steps to move the relationship forwards (talking to social services etc). Her ex husband said he would tell all her friends and she couldn't face that.

My family, my father and his wife in particular, are extremely angry with me. My father has got everyone in my close family to panic about losing their jobs should they ever meet my partner. My father has told me I have to decide between my partner and them and has told me I'm not to tell anyone else.

I am extremely alone and upset. I'm writing here to get solid advice on whether my job or anyone's job is put at risk by association. I'm a dance teacher and I teach children and adults. My work is outside of the home.

I also want to know what lies in store should we self refer to social services when he feels ready to progress the relationship. He isn't ready and wants to make progress on his family court case first but I am finding it very hard to have such a part time relationship. I want to minimise the impact on my children but I'm willing to do anything to safeguard them other than take the easy option of ending the relationship. I am also afraid of what my ex will do when he is told as he was abusive and continues to try and control me. I do have an injunction in place but had it altered to try and facilitate a relationship between him and his children for their sake.

Please give me some hope that there is a way forward in all this. I do not condone my partners crime but I do feel he has been punished enough and I can't get on board with seeing all sex offenders as the same when the level of offence is so different between cases.
Dear Owly82

Thank you for your posts and welcome to the Board. I apologise for the delay in responding.

Thank you for sharing your situation with us and in answer to your questions about your job(s) may I suggest you consider sharing your information with your employer or employers – I see that from your posts that you are a self-employed/freelance worker. I suggest this because (I assume) that an enhanced DBS check was requested when you were engaged to work with children and adults as a dance teacher. And whilst your relationship is in ‘your personal life’ your partner’s conviction (in the wider scheme of things) may likely be viewed as a safeguarding risk by some professional bodies including children’s services. Therefore, it is not so much of ‘risk by association’ or even ‘disqualification by association’ but more of something that ‘could raise future concerns that a person’s employer may need to know about’. If informed your employer(s) may not raise any concerns and/or be content with the safeguarding measures you are taking.

May I say that I do understand the safeguarding measures you say that you are putting in place and how important your relationship is to you and that you want it to progress and move forward. If, and or when your partner and you advise children’s services about your relationship, they will undertake an assessment / make Section 47 enquiries the outcome of which may advise you that your partner does pose a risk to your children. There are, however, a good deal of resources available that you and your partner can use to demonstrate your understanding of and commitment to ‘safeguarding’ of your children and others. Firstly, may I signpost you to the programme NSPCC’s Women as Protectors. Stop it Now programme from Lucy Faithfull may be useful too. The charity Unlock, has some excellent information for both you and your partner, have a look at it here.

If your partner is pursuing a private law application to the courts to see more of his biological children, his relationship with you may come out in that arena too, although there are no conditions applied about contact with his own children. If children’s services do become involved, may I suggest you could ask them to carry out a risk assessment based on your partner’s situation.

If you would like to speak with an adviser do call our confidential advice service on 0808 801 0366, the lines are open Monday to Friday, 9.30am-3.00pm one of our advisers would be happy to discuss your situation and answer (as far as possible) any questions you have.

Best wishes

Suzie

Owly82
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:33 am

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Owly82 » Tue Sep 07, 2021 4:32 pm

Thank you Suzie. I'm really unsure about informing employers whilst my partner and I have not decided to take the next step. If they are not lawfully required to know, I'm concerned I would lose work simply because if the nature of the crime and personal objections or fears of guilt by association? At the same time I can see how being proactive would demonstrate my willingness to safeguard both my children and those that I work with.

JCB
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2022 5:37 pm

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by JCB » Wed Mar 16, 2022 6:42 pm

Can i just ask how this went? I am in a similar situation . Did social believe your partner was not seeing your children? Did they leave you alone? Did they ever tell you, you'd loose the children if you didn't cut all ties?

Need help 2021
Posts: 161
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2021 9:23 pm

Re: Dating a sex offender. What does the future hold

Post by Need help 2021 » Wed Mar 16, 2022 7:13 pm

Hi if you don’t mind me asking are your married to him I am in a smillar relationship as well

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