Child sexual abuse - parent help on CS & police statement

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Child sexual abuse - parent help on CS & police statement

Post by Fairyfly89 » Wed May 05, 2021 3:36 pm

To do a bit of background, my daughter disclosed sexual abuse by her step-father, my husband. We have 2 other children together, 1 disabled. She told her sister, who told me & I phoned the police, he was taken to the police station & bailed. Awaiting outcome of the ongoing investigation. He’s out of our home and certainly wont be returning.

Social services are heavily involved. Visiting at home and at schools in the same week with upto 4 phonecalls in the week too. Children on child in need.

I’ve just had the assessments back after 66 days. They are so full of lies I would laugh if it wasn’t so serious. Nothing positive about my parenting. That I don’t believe my daughter, and told her so, I’m emotionally unavailable towards her and my other children, I’m not taking it seriously, I don’t understand the seriousness, all I care about is seeing my husband, even down to ridiculous stuff like our location wrong, that I refuse to allow my daughter out the house, I refuse to allow her her phone, all I talk about in sessions is contact even though they refuse to discuss it, that I won’t allow my other children to be interviewed nor asked if they have suffered any sexual abuse at his hands. I could continue for hours! I cried for a solid 48 hours when I read them.

I asked for an independent person at home visits before the assessment and was refused and told it had to be another social worker. Conveniently not allowed especially as she wouldn’t have got away with all her despicable lies.

Luckily most I can dispute, phone records, police body cameras, texts from her asking me to pick her up, her friends and my other children can dispute pretty much all of it. Just not what she’s saying I said......

I cannot believe how criminal Children’s Services are! That they are allowed to do this?! I knew they were bad and lied but not to this extent?!

I’m trying to deal with the sexual abuse myself, look after my children, especially my daughter who is seeing a counsellor, along with 24/7 care including night care for my disabled child. I’m on my knees! And get no help or support or kindness from social services. I’m told to go to CAHMS for support but as I don’t have any mental health concerns it feels like the wrong route to take.

I absolutely have asked a number of questions in relation to contact because Children’s Services and the police told me it would go ahead (2 of my children want it). I also contacted a solicitor who confirmed otherwise he could take me to court which I am trying to avoid. He advised emailing them with details of my sons disabilities as he needs to have someone with him 24/7 and the dad also now isn’t allowed to change him, nor clothes etc etc, which poses enormous questions and worries. Even in their child in need meeting it states because I agreed to a contact centre I am therefore happy with contact and promote it! Unbelievable! Not 1 thing was positive about me. That because I said some days my child acts as usual and it worries me they put I’m saying she is carrying on as normal with no idea for her internal feelings. I’m devastated by it. It all couldn’t be further from the truth.

I feel my plate is so full right now it’s going to smash if they continue. There’s only so much 1 single mother can take! They are really kicking me when I’m down. The guilt and torment I feel are almost unbearable that this happened under my roof without me knowing anything. On top of being an exhausted mum to 3 kids and a SEN mummy which leave me bone tired. And I don’t know why they are doing it? Why not work with a parent rather than bully and beat them and lead them to a cliff ledge?

I have sent a formal complaint along with 6 or more pages of corrections for the assessment. I have requested a new social worker due to mistrust and feeling she’s not working positively with the family. A request in writing why I was denied an independent person to sit in home visits. And I look forward to starting a fresh with the children at the centre and working towards our future. My daughter who disclosed also wrote a separate letter as she was so upset hearing all the lies about things she has said getting twisted and written down completely wrong, it’s not just me. I’m in no doubt they will abuse their power and punish me heavily for this. But I have to have it on file. I sent in what proof I had too like copies of texts etc. I also asked at each wrong point where she claims her information came from.

I had a fed up rant at our independent victim advisor service who sent my every word to social services who included it in their report. I said I don’t trust social services or the police after what they done and said to me. It’s written I refuse to work with any agency causing concern and obstruction. That because I’m going through an independent victim advisor I’m refusing to work with the police. I deal with double digits of professionals from this and my disabled son. Schools say they are happy with no concerns about the children nor me. So no I trust no one now! I’m dealing with not only the abuse, the impact on my daughter, some days she is suicidal, whether she will ever be live a life without this internally killing her, the fear of children’s services, him, the case, potential court case, being a mummy and a carer, I’m now left being too scared to reach out for support and speak to someone. The worst thing for someone in my position. Plus being in the middle of a nightmare that also my other children want contact and constantly ask.

So getting to my questions....

I’ve got my police statement coming up next month and I’m so scared! Aswell as having to relive everything again. But will they ask questions about the assessment? I’ve got no one I can take with me.

The police woman, day 1, when I asked when the abuse started because I didn’t know, told me she didn’t like my questions and any more she would take my kids from me. So since then I’m terrified of children’s services and the police. I know it’s my word against hers and as she’s an officer of the law....... she seems to have free reign to say and do what she wants to put the fear of god in an innocent parent without recourse.

I’m already in high anxiety and now more so for the statement and it’s not for a couple of weeks!

It’s at the police station, an hours drive from me. They had said a telephone statement and now say I have to go to the police station. Can I and should I take a solicitor? Can I say I only want a phone one? Although I feel they won’t look kindly on this and use it more against me. I’m just so scared what they will ask now based on that assessment. Whether it will turn from a statement of the past few years during the time the abuse was happening now to questions about me and my parenting. Will it be questions upto the day I give a statement.

I’m so scared after nothing I’ve said has been portrayed on the assessments just what she chose to write based on make believe stuff and what feels a personal attack on me. I have 1 hour as someone can only have my disabled child for 3 hours so 2 of them are travel. Can I tell them I only have 1 hour? Can I say I’m leaving after an hour? I’m so scared that will be used against me now as not cooperating.

I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I rang this line but as they take your details I hung up. I don’t trust that my feelings and thoughts in that moment of whatever I’m going through, anger, grief, frustration, fear won’t be relayed straight back to children’s services who can’t see people have good and bad days!


From a nervous emotional wreck!

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Child sexual abuse - parent help on CS & police statement

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed May 12, 2021 3:01 pm

Dear Fairyfly89

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am very sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your family are experiencing which are clearly very distressing and impacting on you all.

You are currently working with children’s services as there is a child in need in place for your three children as a result of your daughter’s allegations of sexual abuse against her step-father. There is also an ongoing police investigation against him and as part of this you are due to attend the police station soon in order to give a statement.

You have explained very clearly how difficult this process has been for you and that you feel children’s services’ handling of the situation has added to this this. You are also unhappy with the police response and have been working with an independent victims adviser to get some support. In addition to this, you are now a lone carer for your disabled child and receive very little support to help you care for him.

You have asked specific questions about the criminal investigation in relation to you attending the police station to provide a statement to police. Unfortunately, we do not advise about police matters. However, it would be reasonable for you to; get advice from a solicitor about what to expect, if that would be helpful to you; put your proposals for how to make this more manageable for you to the police - i.e. could it be ‘virtual’, or by phone as originally suggested, can the timing be arranged to fit in with your caring responsibilities for your disabled child etc or can the venue be somewhere nearer? If you are still working with the independent victim adviser they might be able to try to help with the arrangements, although I know that you feel let down by them. You may also be able to talk through what is involved with one of the specialist services listed below who can advise on the criminal justice issues.

I will try to provide some information or suggestions in response to the other points you have made and the difficulties you are experiencing.

• First of all, you acted responsibly and protectively by reporting your daughter’s allegations of sexual abuse by her step-father to the police as soon as you were aware of them. As you are aware, concerns about child sexual abuse are very serious; here is a summary of FAQS for families about this issue. It is important that the child is helped to understand that sexual abuse is never their fault. We also have some links to useful services that you may find helpful ; these include the Lucy Faithfull Foundation and the NSPCC Women as Protectors course which might be of interest to you.

• I would also recommend that you look at the services provided by MOSAC as they support non-abusing parents and carers and provide a range of services including help understanding the legal justice system.

• As you have a child with significant disabilities they are automatically a child in need so if you do need more support to care for them (or to support you as a carer) you can ask for this as part of the current chid in need plan. See our tailored advice section on disabled children and child in need assessments for more details.

Contact (a charity working with families with disabled children) offers a one to one ‘listening ear’ service by phone - if you think this would help you can book an appointment online.

• You have already addressed your concerns by making a formal complaint setting out your concerns about the social worker, factual errors and misinterpretations in their report and disagreement with some of their analysis and children’s services’ refusal to allow you to have an independent person sit in with you. They should respond to you promptly under stage 1 of their complaints process to try to resolve the matter – you can find out more about the process here. I hope that you will be able to move forward as a result if this. If you continue to find it difficult to work with a social worker these tips may help.

• Your daughter has also written in as she is unhappy with what has been written too. If you or she would like her to have an advocate to help her complain or make representations you can find out more here .

• Although you have made a formal complaint it is important to keep working with children’s services due to the level of needs in the family at the moment and to make sure that the right plan of support to help you keep the children safe and well is put in place. It is very positive to hear that the children’s schools are happy with how they are doing and with the care you are providing and this should be reflected in the assessment and plans too.

• You mention the high number of professionals (double digits) involved with your family at the moment due to the police investigation, child in need process and your son’s needs due to his disabilities. I can imagine how overwhelming this is. Perhaps you could raise this as an issue at the next child in need meeting – how this can be coordinated better to reduce some of the pressure on you?

• You mentioned ringing a line but not continuing as the organisation takes details. If you ring our freephone advice helpline (0808 8010366) we do encourage callers to leave their name and postcode if they are happy to provide them but we do not insist so callers can remain anonymous if they choose. We have data protection, confidentiality, and protection of children policies which you can read here .

I hope this helps and that your family’s situation moves forward soon.

Take care.

Best wishes


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