I need help for my daughter who is still in emergency respite care

[Confused As]

My daughter started having behaviour issues in Oct 2019. YJPS have been involved since then due to criminal damage and involvement with a 16 year old boy. My daughter’s behaviour plummeted during the first wave of COVID-19. A kind of restraining order was put in place.
I presented at Social Services with allegations of historical sexual abuse, my daughter still declines to make a statement. She has been placed on the CPR.
My daughter kicks doors off hinges, throws things, kicks and punches me and my son. This behaviour has become worse. The Safety Plan we discuss monthly is for me to call 101 or 999. This is an epic failure. The Police feel that we have been failed by Social Services. My daughter has presented at A&E three times this year for overdose and is reluctant to speak with CAMHS or anyone else involved. She now self harms.
The last three occasions I have been assaulted I have been asked to leave the family home and drive forty miles to my nearest friend over a mountain road, in a state of upset. My daughter’s run out of friends houses to stay at and we don’t have family close by.
The last time I was assaulted I refused to leave which meant my daughter was removed and placed in temporary emergency care. She’s still there.
I am not supposed to contact my daughter because I am a “trigger” for her aggression. I am only allowed to answer emails sent from social services due to the volume I exchanged before my daughter was put in respite care.
We tried mediation and they listened to my daughter’s requests - then left the teams meeting - my daughter became verbally aggressive because I’ve decorated her bedroom!! I had done so because she had trashed it before she left. Now she refuses to come home and wants to stay in care.
Nobody is addressing the clear need for anger management. I have paid for a course next weekend for NVR - the social worker mocked me for it and said “I know about NVR” - why she’s not sharing her knowledge or applying it is only part of my confusion.
Social Services are now sending me and my daughter’s father links for trainers for school costing £120!!! They’ve bought her clothes she doesn’t need, booked her in for a haircut and replaced her “temperamental” headphones - I am so confused. These were my daughter’s requests to do with me in mediation which her social worker was in and now they’ve just happened with a “FYI” in the email.
I was told in the last meeting with social Services that “it’s your fault you lost parental control” and I recognise I did but because I was living in fear not because I don’t care.
My daughter’s been in court last week for assaulting a policewoman, she showed no remorse and is now (still) working with the YJPS. My daughter’s assaulted three police officers this year.
The Children’s Commissioner for Wales said to take a step back and let the professionals do their job. This can’t be right?
I’m so confused!!!

[Ermintrude]

Hi

Sorry to hear your story but unfortunately this sounds normal behaviour for children’s services.

My son became violent and started to engage in drugs and criminal behaviour almost out of the blue - the first social worker ‘helped’ by putting rules in place in a mediation session - letting him stay out all night, didn’t have to go to school and she even at one point suggested we pay him £20 every time he stacked the dishwasher.
CS made up stories about us as a family - and have now had to apologise and offer compensation for breaking most of the rules that govern social services.

We got no actual support, referrals were not made etc just threats of removing him and his sister.

What helped was taking everything into my own hands

Google adolescent to parent violence and abuse- this can point you in the direction of help
Don’t engage with triple P parenting - get a specialist course

Fight for a Camhs appointment - but most children’s services - youth offending teams have a specialist psychologist- they can deal professionally with your child.

Document every meeting with CS - and send them a copy. Ask for a copy of every referral etc

Hope thus helps - I also stepped back from trying to parent my child to letting him do what he wanted. But talked you him a lot - best advice was from safeguarding manager in hospital who said -he can come home but buy him some cigarettes on the way - that got him to actually talk to me.

Couple of years on and he’s a different person

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Confused As

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ discussion forum.

I see from your post that you have been having a difficult time because of your daughter’s behaviour. You do not mention in your post your daughter’s age, but she appears to have unresolved issues in respect of her mental health and behaviour.

As your daughter is unwilling to engage with professionals it makes it more difficult for her to ge the help she needs. From you post it appears that different services have been offered in the hope that she can get support and help. You say your daughter’s behaviour ‘plummeted’ in 2019 and she became involved in the criminal justice system and youth offending team.

You would like your daughter to return home but she is refusing to do so preferring to remain in the care of the local authority. Has there been any work done with you and your daughter to try and repair your relationship? If not, you could ask social services about having family therapy. However, your daughter would need to agree to take part for it work. It may be that the work could start with you and, then include your daughter.

Child to parent violence is a very serious issue and you may find it helpful to contact service https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/cpv/.

You may also find it helpful to contact Family Lives who has offers advice and support for parents having difficulties coping with teenage behaviour. Here is the link for the service https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/

Whilst away from home your daughter has been given things like, clothes and headphone without any consultation with you. If you believe you are not being given enough information by social services then you could make a formal complaint. Please see information on our website about making complaints here https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/complaints/

I can see from your post that you are in Wales and you may find it helpful to read information specific to Wales from the Social Services (Wellbeing) Act 2014, the most relevant information for your current circumstances is in Part 76 here
https://gov.wales/sites/default/files/c ... actice.pdf.

I hope you find this information helpful.

Best wishes
Suzie

[Lightbulb]

Your story sounds very much like ours, my daughter, now 15 can be very aggressive towards parents, damaged our house and also self-harm’s, she had approximately 10 hospital admissions in a short period of time, long story short she is now under a care order in a therapeutic placement with a deprivation of Liberty prohibiting access to the community and access to internet, with 3:1 staffing to keep her safe. She has to receive therapy before any consideration of re-unification, we also have to do NVR, which we have just been appointed a therapist. We were also accused of being ‘the trigger’, but after almost 4 months of no contact with her children’s services have identified that anything can be her trigger, her behaviour’s continued and in fact became worse even when there was no contact. Why do children’s services not look beyond their noses, start supporting parents and stop wasting time blaming parents, put the correct support in place for our children to prevent families reaching crisis point leading to family breakdown. We too do not have a good relationship with children’s services, limited updates, unanswered emails, like yourself we were told not to contact children’s services direct during court proceedings, they requested everything go through solicitors. Since our daughter has been in care she seems to, ask and have, new clothing every week, possibly 4 pairs of trainers in 8 months, changes her hair colour often, without obtaining our views, nose piercing, she just smashed her Xbox up the wall and it has now been replaced. I struggle with this approach because if our daughter was in our home she would not be lavished with new clothes every week, they would be bought when needed. She never broke any of her own belongings at home, she knew we would not readily replace if she just chose to smash something, hence she only broke ours. I struggle with this system because it’s almost encouraging these children to want to stay in care, what message does that give our daughter having her Xbox replaced? She is now in a placement with other teens, one of the residents smokes (16), my daughter has been expressing her desire to smoke for the longest time, what message does this also give out daughter, she can do the same thing when she turns 16. In our view this should not be allowed around other vulnerable children. This ask and have approach that she is becoming accustomed to, will present difficulties for us as a family in the future.

You posted back in April, i see there are no further posts, I was wondering how it has progressed for your family and after reading your post was hoping you have some good news to share