What should I do with this knowledge?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Thank you so much Winter25 and Suzie
My solicitor has now emailed the local authority the above and has raised the concern of attendance. My daughter has had 8 days off school since September and openly told me that her Nan overslept. I strongly suspect that on a good day, my mother might retract what she said and then say it again in future. This is detrimental to my little X who turned up at mine with her friend as part of a day out in town. I don’t live anywhere near town I think she just wanted to see me. I told her not to do it again, but her little face she’s been given the right to go to town quite young I think and although she had a friend with her, I was uneasy. I will wait for the LA solicitor who is from USA and very rude. I cannot thank you enough for your empathy and knowledge ladies x

Dear HopingMamu

Thank you very much for your latest post. This is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am glad to hear that your solicitor has addressed in writing your concerns about your daughter’s attendance. It is important that the local authority have a full record of the different issues.

Your daughter turned up unexpectedly at your home with her friend recently. This was some distance from town where she was meant to be. You told her not to do it again which was very responsible. You are worried about the freedom she has to go out without an adult. Did you let her social worker know about this also? As your daughter is looked after then her social worker needs to be kept updated about any unplanned visits and to make sure that your daughter’s carer is aware of her whereabouts so that she is safe. You felt uneasy about the situation which is relevant.

I am sorry that you find the local authority solicitor to be rude. There is no need for any professionals to be rude, they should behave respectfully to parents and professionals alike. You could mention this to your solicitor if you feel that is appropriate.

Best wishes

Suzie

[HopingMamu]

Hello Suzie
There is a PEP review and care planning meeting next week. I am going to raise it then. My cpn never got invited to these meetings to begin with and after I raised it- she now is. My daughter’s father attempted to shame me by saying that I need a nurse for everything. It wasn’t because of that atall- but I stopped requesting her to be present and felt I could hold my
Own. I see my cpn as more of a second witness in these meetings.this one will likely be the last
Before court and I felt so
Nervous about
It because of the recent concerns I’ve raised. Believe it or not- but the SW does let it show when she feels slighted. I’ve a horrible feeling that everything will be presented as ok! Can
You understand how hard it is to listen to that without my heart sinking. I also feel that whatever I raise will be shrugged off as pure madness. I work on
An
Acute mental health ward and always feel very hurt by the general
View of such poorly
People. It’s almost like they think, she lost her mind and therefore nothing is valid. I’m
Sorry to be so emotional and frank, but I am really dreading this meeting. It honestly feels like a panel
Of enemies with nobody even
Partially neutral. It is not that way in
Court. At the last hearing… the independent SW who did my
Parenting assessment found that rehabilitation was possible with support. My ex refused mediation and a concern
Of hers was the family conflict. There is no conflict bc we don’t speak.
She then did a 180 and said that she didn’t support me in her addendum basically regurgitating the archaic guardians ideas.
Said SW then retired and declared that now she has retired. She will not attend court for cross examination. Judge hit the roof! “Oh she is” he said
“Order her to court and unless she is gravely ill, she will be here”
It seems that the only person who was pro rehabilitation suddenly changed her mind and therefore nothing judge can see it.
I mentioned her age and that fact that this parenting assessment is really out of date being done in
December 24. The judge is very conscious of the public purse and he is such a fair judge.
I am lucky enough to know his MO well as he completed my divorce finances alongside this case and awarded in my favour. This care order case is far more complicated and I do wish I had represented myself, but it’s nearly over now and I personally cannot wait to speak in
Court. Sorry about waffling/ I could talk for hours about this whole nightmare. You and winter are a great comfort to me
Thank you
Sincerely

[Winter25]

I understand why you’re dreading this meeting. What you’re describing is a very real dynamic in care planning meetings and it can feel like a room full of professionals presenting a polished version of “everything is stable” while you’re trying to speak about the reality underneath it.

The first thing I want to mention is having your CPN attend is not a weakness. It’s also not “a nurse for everything”. It’s a professional witness who can help make sure your points are heard, recorded properly, and not dismissed as “emotion”. You did the right thing insisting she’s invited along

What will help you most in that meeting is keeping your contributions very factual and very structured, because it makes it harder for anyone to wave it away as“overthinking”.

If you go in with three or four clear points and repeat them calmly, you will be heard, even if they try to deflect.

A practical way to approach it is as follows

Start with the child, not the adults
I’m concerned about X’s wellbeing and stability. These are the specific issues I need recorded and addressed.

Ask for what you want recorded in the minutes
Could I ask that the following points are recorded in the minutes as matters raised by me today.

Stick to what is objectively evidenced
Attendance: X has missed days due to Nan oversleeping.
Supervision: X travelled to see me with a friend despite me living nowhere near town, which raises oversight concerns.
Placement stability: I have been told the carer has expressed she cannot cope. My solicitor has asked for confirmation/disclosure.

Those aren’t opinions OK, They’re observable facts. That is your safest ground.

On the fear that everything will be presented as “ok”:
That is exactly why you keep bringing it back to the same core question.

"Is this placement safe, stable and sustainable for X long-term, and what is the contingency plan if it is not?"

You’re not asking them to agree with you emotionally here, You’re asking them to answer a welfare question they cannot avoid forever.

On being dismissed because of your past mental health:
That stigma is real. But the way you neutralise it is by consistently showing the court and professionals the same pattern: stable, measured, child-focused, and evidence-led.

You work on an acute ward. You know better than anyone that having been unwell in the past does not make a person unreliable forever. Your past does not erase your credibility now. The fact you can speak this clearly, with this level of insight, already shows how far you’ve come.

On the independent social worker and the judge:
What you described about the judge insisting she attends is important. Judges do not do that unless they feel something matters and they are not satisfied with professionals trying to sidestep scrutiny. Keep that in mind when you start feeling powerless. You are not imagining what you are seeing. The judge has already shown he will challenge it.

If it helps, you can prepare a short written note for the meeting, just a page, with:

the three key facts
the three questions you want answered
the one outcome you want: clarity on placement stability and contingency planning

Then if you feel overwhelmed, you read it word for word.

You are allowed to be nervous. This is heavy. But you are not walking into that room with “nothing”. You have evidence, you have a solicitor who has now put the issue in writing, and you have your own voice. Use all of this

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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing court proceedings.