Abusive ex and child contact

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Cherry26
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jun 22, 2022 8:04 pm

Abusive ex and child contact

Post by Cherry26 » Fri Jun 24, 2022 8:24 pm

My ex partner and i spilt five years ago and our son is now six years old ,he was abusive mentally and lately phisically throughout our relationship which ended when police arrested and charged him with an assault on me which he was found guilty in court for. Social services were involved and i also had to seek a molestation order on my ex as he contuined to harass and stalk me, it turned out he also had one of these off his ex partner before me due to domestic abuse. Social services have not been involved for three years now but when they was he was only allowed supervised contact he had opportunities to extend his time with our child but ruined them by not co operating such as not bringing our son back when arranged and he did not see our son for awhile after. His parents maintained contact with our son through out, they moved away just before the spilt and my son has always gone to stay with them.during the school holidays, social services did have my exs parents sign a written agreement that my ex was not to.have our son on his own if he was to visit them while our son was there. Since last year my ex has moved down nearby his parents he has been asking his mum to ask me if he can have him over night as well when his parents pick him up in the holidays, i refused but his mum has been taking my son to stay at his anyway then tried to get my son to lie about it to me. Would it be wrong to.stop my son going with his grandparents because of that? And am i within my right to do this and only want my child to have supervised contact with his dad still? My ex sent me an angry facebook message about this on a fake account calling me names which i blocked and I've had a few rows with his mum.about it over the phone she argues my ex has changed that my son is safe with him and what happened is.in the past. My son does enjoy spending time with his dad but i don't beleive he has changed his message proves he still blames me and has been saying things to my son such as that i hate him for no reason and that i am poor. I feel like i have to endure my abuser through my child still and always will for as long as he has access still.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 3519
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Abusive ex and child contact

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jun 27, 2022 2:00 pm

Dear Cherry26

Thank you for posting on the Family Rights Group parents’ discussion forum. My name is Suzie, online adviser, at Family Rights Group.

You stated in your post that you are concerned about the contact that your son’s paternal grandparents are allowing him to have with his father despite previously signing an agreement that contact would be supervised by them. Since your son’s father moved to live near his parents’ home they are no longer ensuring there is supervised contact.

As a result of their failure to work to the agreement you are concerned about unsupervised contact and whether you would be right to withdraw contact. The relationship between you and your son’s father was an abusive one and he was convicted of an assault on you. In your post you state that his mother want to you agree to unsupervised contact and has disregarded your wishes and allowed your son to stay with his father unsupervised. She believes her son has changed and what happened between you and him is in the past. I think you are right to be concerned since, it appears your son’s father has not changed towards you because of what you say he has written on social media.

It is right that you want to ensure that your son is protected. I suggest that you contact children’s services in your area to explain your concerns and the action of the grandparents. As your son lives with you, they can speak with his father about contact and may also consider carrying out a risk assessment in respect of contact. The paternal grandmother’s action in asking your son to lie to you suggests that she is more concerned about her son than her grandson’s safety and well-being.

Sometimes perpetrators domestic violence will continue the abuse as you suggest through the child. He still wishes to have control irrespective of your wishes about contact. As you say, his recent action is an indication that he has not changed. Maybe you can suggest that he contact a perpetrator programme to learn about his abusive behaviour and how to address it. This might help you decide about contact in the future.

If you are concerned about your son, it would not be wrong to stop contact with his grandparents until proper arrangements for contact can be made. Speak with your local children’s services about this as it is likely to have an impact on your son who has had regular contact with his grandparents. I think they would be concerned about the grandmother’s action and her behaviour towards you.

The grandparents have to understand that you have the right to make decisions about your son. Should you stop contact, they may decide to apply to the court for a child arrangement order for contact and the father can do the same. You would be able to explain to the court your reasons for wishing contact to remain supervised. The court could also stipulate that he does not make derogatory comments about you to your son.

It is also possible for you to make an application to the court for an order that your son’s contact with is father is defined. You need to be prepared that the court might agree to supervised contact to start with but for it to change to unsupervised later. The court’s decision would be based on the evidence available and your son’s welfare. Child law Advice advises on private law cases and you may find it helpful to get advice from them. Their telephone number is 0300 330 5480

You may find it helpful to get some support from a domestic violence service like Women’s Aid on 0808 200 0247 Having an advocate might also be helpful when dealing with an abuser and you can contact the independent domestic violence advocacy service (IDVA) on 01274 667104 for advice and support.

Hope you find this information helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

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