Need advice
Need advice
Long story but will try and keep this short so I started dating a guy who has supported me when I was going threw family breakdown everything was great and one night we had argument and he threw a glass when I was angry I raged on social media not best way I no anyways after that we was fine going places ect then social asked for police check which he agreed everything came back clear then this social worker decided there was calls back from 2007 to police she wanted to no what about …. Anyways it came back domestic violence (which was with ex partner who lost all her children and he was granted full custody) anyways social services basically made me chose between my children or my partner I don’t understand this he has done nothing to me or my kids but support me but social seem to think he huge risk yet he ain’t been charged they going of phone calls I’m so baffled by this they are saying there has been a few calls to do with domestic violence but no charges were made and he has full custody of his child yet they are saying he a risk to mine
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4249
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: Need advice
Dear ERT789
Welcome to the Parents’ Forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties your family is experiencing.
You explained that children’s services have required you to make a choice between caring for your children or remaining in a relationship with your partner who they are worried poses a risk of domestic abuse but who has also, at times, been supportive of you. You are struggling to understand their risk assessment especially as he is the main carer of his own child.
You should have received a copy of the assessment of your children’s needs. The social worker should have made clear in their report what their concerns for your children are and why and what their recommendation is (as well as any further action to be taken if you were not in agreement). Your views should also be recorded in the report. If you wish, you could contact the social worker to ask them to go over this with you more fully.
As we don’t have all the information I can only suggest what may have influenced their recommendation but I hope this will be helpful to you.
First of all, it is important to state that domestic violence is taken very seriously by children’s services because of the harm it causes to children, as discussed here:
Children can be harmed by witnessing domestic violence regardless of whether it is carried out by their mother or their father. Children can suffer long-term harm from living in a household where domestic abuse is taking place. A child seeing, overhearing, living in, or spending time in a household where someone is mistreated will likely be viewed as:
Evidence the child is suffered significant harm, or
Evidence the child is at risk of suffering significant harm.
Here is an explanation of significant harm.
Children’s services are not only concerned where there are charges or convictions; they have a broad responsibility for children’s welfare and in fact may be more worried in some cases if there is no police or court involvement.
Our domestic abuse FAQs for mothers may help you think through some of the issues involved.
In your situation, you describe how your partner threw a glass (at you?) following an argument and this upset you so much that you posted it on social media. A social worker is likely to be concerned about this incident as it could have caused you or any child present serious harm and it would be frightening for a child to witness. In addition, there is some previous history of police involvement in a previous relationship. The social worker may be worried that past behaviour can be an indicator of future behaviour.
I understand your query about how he was able to care for his own child successfully. One difference may be that he has parental responsibility (PR) for his own child but not for your children. You have PR as their mother and so the social worker is looking to you to make safe decisions for your children. Your partner may have been given the right to care for his own child through the courts following assessment and perhaps as an alternative to care as you mention that his ex-partner lost all her children.
Every child’s circumstances are different and the social worker’s recommendations are specific to your children.
If you would like further clarity, have further suggestions to make or are dissatisfied with the social worker’s assessment of your children’s needs, you should raise this with the social worker and their manager first . You could ask the social worker what your partner could do to reduce their concerns about him e.g. complete a perpetrator programme course or if you engaged with a domestic abuse service or programme such as the Freedom Programme. Please see our useful links pages for details of specialist services.
There is information about how to challenge a decision or make a complaint here.
If you would like to talk thorough your situation with an adviser please call our freephone advice service on 0808 801 0366, Mon – Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.
With best wishes
Suzie
Welcome to the Parents’ Forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties your family is experiencing.
You explained that children’s services have required you to make a choice between caring for your children or remaining in a relationship with your partner who they are worried poses a risk of domestic abuse but who has also, at times, been supportive of you. You are struggling to understand their risk assessment especially as he is the main carer of his own child.
You should have received a copy of the assessment of your children’s needs. The social worker should have made clear in their report what their concerns for your children are and why and what their recommendation is (as well as any further action to be taken if you were not in agreement). Your views should also be recorded in the report. If you wish, you could contact the social worker to ask them to go over this with you more fully.
As we don’t have all the information I can only suggest what may have influenced their recommendation but I hope this will be helpful to you.
First of all, it is important to state that domestic violence is taken very seriously by children’s services because of the harm it causes to children, as discussed here:
Children can be harmed by witnessing domestic violence regardless of whether it is carried out by their mother or their father. Children can suffer long-term harm from living in a household where domestic abuse is taking place. A child seeing, overhearing, living in, or spending time in a household where someone is mistreated will likely be viewed as:
Evidence the child is suffered significant harm, or
Evidence the child is at risk of suffering significant harm.
Here is an explanation of significant harm.
Children’s services are not only concerned where there are charges or convictions; they have a broad responsibility for children’s welfare and in fact may be more worried in some cases if there is no police or court involvement.
Our domestic abuse FAQs for mothers may help you think through some of the issues involved.
In your situation, you describe how your partner threw a glass (at you?) following an argument and this upset you so much that you posted it on social media. A social worker is likely to be concerned about this incident as it could have caused you or any child present serious harm and it would be frightening for a child to witness. In addition, there is some previous history of police involvement in a previous relationship. The social worker may be worried that past behaviour can be an indicator of future behaviour.
I understand your query about how he was able to care for his own child successfully. One difference may be that he has parental responsibility (PR) for his own child but not for your children. You have PR as their mother and so the social worker is looking to you to make safe decisions for your children. Your partner may have been given the right to care for his own child through the courts following assessment and perhaps as an alternative to care as you mention that his ex-partner lost all her children.
Every child’s circumstances are different and the social worker’s recommendations are specific to your children.
If you would like further clarity, have further suggestions to make or are dissatisfied with the social worker’s assessment of your children’s needs, you should raise this with the social worker and their manager first . You could ask the social worker what your partner could do to reduce their concerns about him e.g. complete a perpetrator programme course or if you engaged with a domestic abuse service or programme such as the Freedom Programme. Please see our useful links pages for details of specialist services.
There is information about how to challenge a decision or make a complaint here.
If you would like to talk thorough your situation with an adviser please call our freephone advice service on 0808 801 0366, Mon – Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.
With best wishes
Suzie
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