Will my partner be able to move back home?

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Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2021 5:35 pm

Will my partner be able to move back home?

Post by WorriedParent » Tue Apr 06, 2021 2:59 pm

Hi I'm completely new to this so I'm not sure how to even begin my post, I'm just looking for some advice and hopefully reassurance..
Basically me and my partner have been together for 3 years, and before this relationship we were both in toxic relationships, mine was extremely abusive and ended after years of emotional and in the end physical abuse (i made the choice to leave and sought help from social services and did everything I could to keep my kids safe) and my partners previous relationship was also abusive but from his partners behalf, she had very unstable borderline personality disorder and when my partner tried to leave her numerous times she made things as difficult as possible such as stopping contact with their son etc.. in the end he made the choice to bite the bullet and leave which resulted in her contacting the police and social services making accusations up saying he had put their son at risk with his violence etc.. however as this was not proved social services passed the case onto early help who arranged for him to have contact at his mams house as he lived there anyway and his ex was happy to agree to this "supervised arrangement" he was honest with me what she was like when we got together as she caused such a fuss as she wanted him back etc so she was turning up at my door with her abuse and making life a living nightmare, but we persevered and in time it got better, she even let us have contact at our house for a while until she started being irrational and finding a fault with everything like demanding my partner phoning in sick for work to have him extra days etc which obviously was not possible so in the end he resumed the contact at his mams house as he couldn't cope with her demands anymore, but during that time I had numerous conversations with her and when we were getting on she even openly told me that she made all of them accusations up to stop him from ever moving on from her (I guess this was part of the attachment issues due to the BPD). Since then we have lived together absolutely fine no problems until my partner started suffering from depression and often got quite angry, but when I say angry I don't mean directed at me or the kids or anything he just got angry within himself for having mental health problems when life felt too much for him he would go outside away from the house and get his anger out by punching walls, fences etc which I agree was not a productive way of dealing with it but I did also feel for him as his mental health worker pretty much disserpeared off the face of the earth when he needed the support the most.. but I repeat this anger never affected me or my 2 children, not saying our relationship is perfect we sometimes do argue as couples do so there has been mutual shouting before but nothing major or even to the point any of us have become scared as we did not like to argue aggressively so this was always nipped in the bud pretty fast. But a few days ago this all changed (not him, our family life as we knew it) he had been working all day and came home in a bad mood, he was crying saying he's sick of his life and how he feels depressed all of the time, so I said we would ring his own GP instead of his mental health worker and get him on some different medication that way, as he is also insomniac due to his depression so I think he let things build up and the lack of sleep didn't help. He still did not feel calmer after opening up to me and said he felt like he was getting more angry, and I admit I was getting frustrated with him myself because its hard to watch him suffer so much and feel so helpless, so I told him if he's not going to calm down then he needs to go because I don't know how to help him anymore (just meant go and cool off but didn't explain this as I was upset myself, I guess living with someone who is visibly depressed with no way of helping takes a toll after a while) so he totally misinterpreted this and became a lot more upset and he did leave however on the way out of our garden he punched the shed window resulting in him completely glassing his arm and he started panicking as blood started squirting out all over the place so as you would he came to the back door for me to phone 999 as he was in a right state (the kids were upstairs in bed at the time so di not see any of this thankfully) so he went to the hospital and the police came to the house and asked me a load of DV questions and I was honest about my history with DV and he said it sounds like I am well educated and would notice the signs of being abused etc, he had to speak to the kids and one was asleep however one was awake and she just told him that she heard some crying and mammy said he had hurt himself on some glass so he went to the hospital, the police then took pictures of the kitchen which was understandably covered in blood, when he got home from the hospital i did ask him to go and stay his mams as I was in shock and that what he did was really frightening and the kids could have seen if it was during the day etc and he agreed, and the next day we planned on disgussing pushing for the help he needs starting with some new medication for his depression and some counseling/anger management. The next morning I received a call from harbour to discuss what had happened and to assess whether they thought I would benefit from their services, however it was decided that I probably didn't need their help however it may be a good idea to get my partner some help with his anger which I told her we were going to do that so she gave me some contact numbers etc. However that night I was paid a visit by 2 emergency duty workers from children's services and they informed me that my partner was not allowed back to the family Home for 45 days (at present) whilst they complete an assessment and that somebody will be in touch after the Bank Holiday weekend to discuss how we move forward and to arrange some supervised contact for the kids in the meantime of the assessment, and that if I did not agree my children could be removed under child protection which I agreed straight away of course that would be the worst scenario in the world for them to be taken away from me, however I just didn't like the way the social worker was wording it all accusing my partner of being abusive to myself and my children and bringing the accusations up that his ex made like over 3 years ago, and accusing me of minimising the situation saying he put them at risk by coming back into the home which I do agree with but that was literally to phone 999 and he was worried as his wrist was pouring with blood, thankfully it wasn't done infront of my children or even me but I do get their concern but my worry now is that because of my past and his slightly that they will make it out to be a lot worse than what it is, I've never been in this situation before well I have but because I wwntd to break free from actual abuse, I plan on sticking with my partner as I understand that he is not a bad person, he does not intent to cause me fear or any distress, he does not control me or do anything to make me feel pressured the only issue is that he struggles with his temper on himself not me or anyone around him. I'm just wondering what the likely outcomes would be like do you think he will be able to work on his anger problems whilst living at home after the assessment or does it sound more likely that they will want him to do the domestic violence programme and remain living away from the family Home? I'm just so confused, they're not his kids but my eldest has issues herself with ADHD, sensory problems and an attachment disorder (due to having an absent parent, breakdown of a relationship with her previous step parent and then her grandad (my dad) ending his own life, all of this affected her ability to be able to rely on the grown ups around her) and my youngest child whos father abused me is not allowed in her life and she calls my partner her "daddy" and between them they are heartbroken like me that he is not able to live here anymore and they don't understand why, I'm just hoping things are resolved as soon as possible, I'm not denying he has no issues but I would also not be with somebody if I thought they were capable or even attempting to in any way be abusive.. I'm at the end of my psychology degree myself so I do know the difference between an abuser and a person who suffers with their mental health- resulting in anger problems. He's not a bad person honestly but I feel like they're going to make him out to be and make this as hard as possible?

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Will my partner be able to move back home?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:05 am

Dear WorriedParent

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties that your family is currently experiencing. I am also sorry that there has been a delay in responding to your query.

Thank you for explaining the circumstances which led to children’s services becoming involving and beginning an assessment of your children’s needs. I think they have two specific concerns:

1) Domestic violence - allegations that your partner was violent to a previous partner (which you dispute), your previous abusive relationship (you successfully ended this and protected your children) and aspects of your partner’s behaviour at home recently including violence to property and hurting himself, and
2) Mental health - your partner’s current poor mental health.

Your eldest child may also be considered potentially particularly vulnerable due to her additional needs.

You might find it helpful to look at our explanations of why children’s services may be concerned when children are living in a family with an adult who behaves angrily or violently or whose mental ill health is impacting on their parenting.

You can find out more here and here. If you follow the links, they also suggest what help and support may be available and what other processes can follow depending on the outcome of the assessment. There are tailored FAQs on domestic violence for mothers and fathers that cover a lot of key questions you may both have.

You and your partner had already arranged for him to stay temporarily at his mother’s home as a safety measure but you were later formally asked by social workers to agree to him remaining outside the family home while an assessment (maximum timescale of 45 working days) is completed. I know they said he was not ‘allowed’ return home. However, unless he was subject to bail conditions or a court order they should have made it clear that they were asking you both to agree to him not returning, for now. They should also clarify what would happen if you didn’t agree or if your partner returned home in an unplanned way, before the assessment is finished.

When children’s services are concerned that an adult’s behaviour may be putting children at risk of harm it is better if the adult agrees to stay elsewhere while this is being assessed rather than risking children’s services seeking to remove children from their home. This is what the social worker was referring to. However, it is important to be aware that children’s services can only remove a child if a parent with parental responsibility agrees or if they have a court order allowing them to remove a child. Police can remove a child under their police protection powers (for up to 72 hours). This is explained in more detail here.

A recent Ombudsman report reminded children’s services that they should provide parents with information to make sure that you know that the temporary ‘safety plan’ you have been asked to agree to is voluntary and to explain any consequences of not following the agreement. It also noted they should also provide you with all the information needed to make informed decisions and they must keep a record of (and review) any agreements.

I hope that the social worker has been back in touch to put some supervised contact arrangements in place, to update you about the assessment and answer any queries you have. If this has not happened, do chase this up with the social worker. You can put forward responsible family members or friends as potential supervisors if need be.

I know that you are wondering and worried about what the outcome of the assessment will be. Unfortunately, it is not possible to predict this. But you are right to think about whether your partner should consider taking part in a perpetrators’ programme and he definitely should engage with his GP and mental health support services. You have been offered domestic violence support, I think, and even if you do not see the situation as abusive it can be a good idea to talk things through again with a specialist domestic violence worker.

You may find it helpful to know more about what an assessment involves and the different outcomes there may be. You would prefer that your partner is able to work through any issues whilst at home with you and the children. It is important that this is addressed in the assessment which will look at the strengths and positives as well as any identified risks. The assessment should make clear what the social worker’s expectations are. If you and your partner engage well with the social worker, understand/acknowledge the concerns and are able to work on the difficulties and take on board support to protect the children then the outcome should reflect this. Whether a child in need or child protection plan is made for the children, the situation is likely to be monitored for a time to make sure that the children are safe and well.

You have already acted protectively, you and your partner know that things need to change, that he needs the right help and you are already showing that you are a responsible parent by seeking advice at any early stage. You may find it helpful to ask the social worker to keep you as informed and updated as possible, to let you know any concerns they have as they arise and to tell you openly what they would like you and your partner to do.

This guide to working with a social worker sets out some practical suggestions to help you work in partnership.

If you think a family group conference would help your family to draw up a family safety plan then you can ask for this.

When the assessment is complete you may want to post again if you have any further queries. If you prefer to speak to an adviser, please call the freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.

With best wishes


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