Urgent advice needed

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Anxiousmummy
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Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 4:55 pm

Urgent advice needed

Post by Anxiousmummy » Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:13 am

Hi, new to the board.
I am very anxious so please forgive me as this is long and I really really need advice.

2 weeks ago my partner and I were drinking (we have four children). We have recently lost a child this year (this is our third one). Anyway my partner and I were happy. He went upstairs for the toilet and I had noticed downstairs that he was a little unsteady on his feet but didn't think much of it. He was taking a while and I went up to find out if he was okay, then came back down and started badly singing again to YouTube. There was a big bang and one of our children told me that "dad had fallen", at first my partner was very confused and kept saying I had hurt him (I was no where near him), I took a picture of his head he had a massive golf ball on the side of his head and he kept falling over in the kitchen. But because he thought it was me who had done this, he refused help.
Things esculated as I kept trying to assess his head and he kept telling me to go away.

To cut a long story short, my boys phoned the police (my partner had asked them to) and he got arrested. He is waiting to find out if he is being charged with anything. I haven't made a statement or anything because it was an accident. He obviously had banged his head hard and with the alcohol it enhanced the effect of what I think was a bad concussion.

Children's services are now back involved and Due to me not letting them in, (we had them involved a few years ago and they broke dpa so I have no faith in them, and Due to me knowing this was an accident), they have now gone straight to child protection conference and have told me that my partner of 16 years and father to all 7 of my children can't talk or see me at all.

Now I know what everyone thinks and I am not stupid, I should never have bought the drink in fact I poured the rest away after he hit his head to prevent any further reaction to the injury. But I am so scared now that he won't be able to come home and they will take my children if I let him in. I am not a victim to dv here I know how it looks but it really was an accident. Children's services scare the hell out of me I have very high anxiety and depression and the last two weeks haven't been able to stop crying.

I love my children and I love my partner I will always put my kids needs first I have been talking with the kids and making sure that they know they can talk to me about anything and they have been coping. They didn't see all the argument, but the night my partner got arrested was enough to scare me from drink completely as I can't really remember much.

Please please I am desperate for advice as I don't go out on my own yet I have to go to a children's services meeting on the 5th Jan and I just want them all to leave me alone.

If cps don't charge and my partner can come home will they take my children even though I have banned drink and I know he won't hurt me or them?

If they charge him and bail him under no contact order does that mean I can't speak to him ever again?

I don't have family who help me and my best friend is down south, my partner has been my rock I mentioned that we have lost three children and we have helped each other through this, its not been easy but we have got through a lot of shyte.

Could they send him on remand? If they stop contact where will he live he doesn't have anywhere else to go and I don't want him on the streets!

Whilst he hasn't been here I have become an anxious mess, car doors and the door knocking has made me physically shake as I am scared children's services are coming for the kids or going to deem me unfit to be a mother because of my mental health.

I am terrified.

Please please any advice I am so anxious I feel physically sick.
Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Urgent advice needed

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Dec 21, 2020 2:31 pm

Dear anxiousmummy,

Welcome to the parents forum. I am Suzie, Family Rights Group online adviser.
I am so sorry to hear about you losing a child this year. I cannot imagine how difficult things must have been for you.

You are asking for advice due to an incident that occurred when you and your partner were very drunk. Your boys called the police and your partner was arrested and the police have told him he is not allowed to go back to your home.
The police also made a referral to children services and a social worker wants to meet with you on the 5th January.

You say you are so anxious that you are physically shaking and are scared your children will be removed.

Children services can only remove children if you agree or they get a court order.

They will only get a court order if it is proved that your children are at risk of significant harm or suffering significant harm. They have to show that they have provided you with support. (In urgent circumstances they can ask the police to remove children for up to 3 days).

The meeting on the 5th January may be to discuss what happened and they may suggest support they want you to get. Let the social worker know you cannot come to the meeting due to your anxiety. Suggest they come to your home instead, or can it be done via Microsoft teams or zoom?
Or can they recommend an advocate to support you?

If your partner wants to come back to your home, speak to the police or children services first, to check what they recommend. If they say for him not to come back, my advice is not to let him back until he has been assessed. They may be worried about further incidents taking place which could harm your children.

You do not think the incident was domestic violence. The police seem to disagree. Have the police given you a number for a local women’s DV support? If not, you could look on Women’s Aid website. You could find out whether your partners behaviour could have been domestic violence. Let children services know you are seeking this advice.
Here are our FAQ’s about domestic violence.

You mention your mental health. I suggest you contact your GP urgently and let them know how you are feeling and ask for treatment and support. You can then let the social worker know you have been in touch with your GP. If you just cannot cope, let the social worker know as soon as possible. You could ask for respite carers?

You also mention that you had drunk so much that you could not remember what had happened. It is good news that you have banned drink in your home. Let the social worker know this. The social worker will probably refer you to an organisation such a Change Grow Live that offer help and support around drink and drugs. It is a good idea to take up the offer, as they can assess your drinking and offer counselling etc. They can report back to children services and it will be evidence that you are cooperating with children services.
I hope my advice helps. If you need further advice. Please call our advice line on 0808 801 0366 or post on the forum again.
Kind regards,

Suzie

Anxiousmummy
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 4:55 pm

Re: Urgent advice needed

Post by Anxiousmummy » Tue Dec 22, 2020 3:30 am

Thanks for your reply suzie.

I spoke to my social worker and I have backed down and said they can come in as I don't want this situation being taken any higher. I have also advised them that I have contacted my GP about my anxiety and later today I am ringing both mental health and a solicitor.

The social worker informed me that it wouldn't have mattered if I would have let them in my partner is being looked at for a section 47, pre Court proceedings have apparently started even when I had tried to ring my sw last week to say they could come in he was unavailable.

I have noticed that cars are parking out side my home and someone keeps shining a torch at my house. This has been the case for nearly 2 weeks and I am a nervous wreck!

Who is a trusted solicitor for these circumstances as I dont know who else can offer me advice. I don't trust my social worker but I will work with them to prove the kids safety.

Does this mean they are taking it to court?
What can i do to prove the kids are safe?
How do we sort out universal credit when we are currently on a joint claim and I am now going to need to change it to a lone parent claim?
Is there any help for my partner for homelessness as I hate the idea of him being on the street. The police didn't get back to me and I have absolutely no idea what they expect him to do. I am very scared about the severity of all of this and I know my children can feel my anxiety and are also scared of what can happen.
Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Urgent advice needed

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jan 06, 2021 3:21 pm

Dear Anxiousmummy

Thank you for your further post. I can see that you are still very stressed about the current situation and this is understandable. However it is good to hear that you are willing to work with children’s services to allow them to visit and see your children and that you are getting in touch with your GP and mental health services to access some support for yourself. I hope that they are able to assist you. Well done for taking these steps.

If children’s services are doing a child protection investigation (s47) then there may be (this may have already happened) a child protection conference. Please take a look at our advice sheet on child protection to help you understand more about this. The social worker has also spoken about pre-proceedings – by this she may mean that they will hold a pre-proceedings or public law outline meeting to consider what needs to change and how to move forward – this can lead to court proceedings but if improvements are made and you and your parent are cooperating well it might not be necessary.

You are already planning to consult with a solicitor – under pre-proceedings you will be able to take a solicitor to the meeting with you to assist you. When the social worker writes to you to invite you to the pre-preoceedings meeting they should give you information about how you can get free legal advice and representation.It is best to try to find a solicitor who has children law accreditation. You can find a solicitor and check if they have this accreditation on the Law Society find a solicitor website .

The best way for you to be able to demonstrate that the children are safe is for you and their father to understand what children’s services’ concerns are and to work with them to address the concerns and get the support that each of you, including the children, may need. This could include working on parenting or, as mentioned in my previous response, getting help with the alcohol use issues. Your partner should also be proactive in this respect and could also contact a service such as Respect which supports men to change their behaviour if they have been violent. He could give them a ring to discuss. He may find our FAQS for fathers and on domestic violence for fathers helpful.

You are worried about your partner’s housing needs and also how to deal with the practicalities of your (current) joint universal credit claim. He could contact Shelter for advice about housing and you could contact the CAB , Gingerbread or look on Turn2 Us website for welfare rights advice and information.

If you are worried that you are being harassed in some way (your comment re parked cars and a torch being shone) you could discuss with the police.

I hope this has helped a little.

Ask the social worker to keep up fully updated about what is happening and what they would like you to do and make sure to ask questions if there is anything they have not explained properly to you.

You are welcome to post again or call our Freephone advice helpline if you have a new query. The number is 0808 8010366 and you can speak to an adviser during the opening times of 9.30am to 3.00 pm, Mon to Fri.

With best wishes

Suzie

Anxiousmummy
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 4:55 pm

Re: Urgent advice needed

Post by Anxiousmummy » Sat Feb 06, 2021 7:02 pm

Hi Suzy,

Further to the incident on the 6th Dec 2020, my partners bail and the police investigation has now been dropped. During the time my partner has not been here pre court proceedings started and I started the work that the child protection plan had in place.

On the pre proceedings plan it states that a safety plan has got to be agreed before my partner can return home. My partner is currently at his parents. There is now a problem with the condition that they have In place as my partners parents will not let him reside there any more. They know that there is no legal reason he can't come home and be with myself and the kids so the plan that is currently in place can't be fully stuck to.

I have asked with urgency that a safety plan is put in place so that my partner can have contact with his children who he hasn't seen for nearly 2 months. I let him have tea with his children and the social worker acted like I had broken a rule even though my partner had tried to contact them prior to even telling me that he was coming round.

The safety plan that they have proposed has certain things on it I cannot agree and sign to. For example they are giving my partner 3 days a week for 12 hours in total without weekends and no staying over - he doesn't have anywhere to live after this weekend. His parents have spoken to both of us and told us they don't agree with this plan.

How can children's services change the plan to adhere to the new problem which is him having somewhere to live and how restricted time would effect the kids.?

We have agreed to the rest of the plan and have no problems working with the children services for everything else but living situation and contact is not something that myself or my partner will sign to.

He hasn't had any meeting with children's services, no court or anything as when he wasn't here he was homeless and had nowhere to do the meetings now contact with myself is allowed he can do all the programs and meetings here.

My solicitor has advised that I don't sign the plan but adhere to it. How can I adhere to all of it if I don't agree with it.

We will put our children first but there must be another way we can do this where children services are satisfied and everyone agrees.
Any advice on how to get this plan changed would be helpful. They did mention it is Not law abiding and will be reviewed in two weeks but my partner will have no residency again and restricted times he can see his children when there is no danger to them. Is there anything else we can agree to so that he can have contact and reside here?

My children don't understand why they can see their dad three days a week but that is it. They don't want him to be homeless and neither do i. I am scared that care proceedings will start, but like I said we agree to work with them and for them to do as many visits announced or not whenever they like.
Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4207
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Urgent advice needed

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Feb 24, 2021 1:14 pm

Dear Anxiousmummy

Thank you for your response.

In addition to the advice about your partner’s housing situation we gave to you on the 6th of January, perhaps Citizens Advice might be able to help, they have some information relating to social workers (LAs) helping with housing, it is on their website here.

Regarding the safety plan perhaps your solicitor might continue to advise you and/or contact the local authority on your behalf.

Best wishes

Suzie

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