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Future after dv

Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:06 pm
by Tessa90
Hi, im looking for a bit of advice, ss have been involved with me and my 3 children for 2 years now after an incident with my ex recently after our daughter was born he put his hand round my neck and pinned me against the wall, the children was in the home in bed and did not witness anything although I know they still can be affected with the aftermath of dv. He has also had dv with his previous partner. We have done everything ss have asked we was on cp for 12months then cin but they recently closed the case. Me and my ex have both completed courses I have done my pattern changing and he has done the perpetrater course (bbr) we have both always said that we would like to give it another go after we have completed the work we needed to as we want to be a family, we love each other and want to make it work. As i said ss have recently closed the case but I have had a letter saying they are no longer involved as long I understand that I do not get back in to a relationship with him and he is only allowed contact with our daughter in a contact centre and I'm not even aloud to drop her off! I just wanted some advice on where to go from here I don't want to loose my children :( would we be in with a chance of giving it another go or should we just give up it's been a long road n been stressful and heartbreaking we both just want to move on and be happy, any advice would be appreciated please. Many thanks

Re: Future after dv

Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 6:03 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear Tessa90

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Board.

From what I read I understand that domestic violence was a feature in your relationship with the father of your daughter. I see that you have attended a ‘survivors’ course (as has your ex-partner) and you understand the risk domestic violence posed (and poses) to the well-being of your children. Social workers seem to agree that you understand and this has led them to close the case.

Before, or if you decide to resume your relationship, it may be useful for you consider taking some advice from a support worker through the agency you used before or through Women’s Aid.

Although the case is closed you say that social workers believe that the risk of domestic violence occurring in your relationship with your ex-partner is still high, therefore resuming your relationship may cause them to become involved again and they may want to escalate the matter and apply for a care order to safeguard your children.

Our website has a section about domestic violence, it may be of help to you. If you would like to discuss your situation with us, do call our advice line on 0808 801 0366. Our lines are open 9.30am to 3.30pm, Monday to Friday.

Best wishes


Re: Future after dv

Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 6:44 pm
by Tessa90
Hi thanks for the reply and advice. I'm still not really sure what the answer is I'm very confused on what to do anymore. I wanted to ask social services myself but I'm scared that they will just come in and end up taking the children do you think it would be best just to tell them that we want to be together as we have always said in our meetings that's what we wanted after we have done the work we needed to do. As far as I was aware the risk had come down as he has done his course and so have I?

Re: Future after dv

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:58 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Hi Tessa90,

It might be helpful to discuss your situation with Women’s Aid as I suggested in my earlier response to you before you do anything else. It is possible that you might need further help and support around the domestic violence you suffered. The attack you described could have been life threatening. So children services may be concerned that you are still minimizing your exe’s risk to you and your children because you want to re- unite with him.

I wonder whether children services had closed their case too early.
You say you had indicated to the social worker throughout the child protection process that if your exe had completed the domestic violence programme then you would like his risk to be re-assessed with a view that you re- untie with him. You have never had this chance.

Working agreements in cases where domestic violence is an issue have come under scrutiny recently and some are now considered to be unsafe because they are asking a survivor to protect children when this is not possible.
Your exe has now completed the work suggested by the social worker so you could go back to children services and ask that his risk is re assessed by them.

He (or you) could contact the perpetrators advice line at Respect to check whether there is any other support he could be doing.
The most important thing is that until he has been re assessed (and it is acknowledged that he is safe) you continue to stick religiously to cooperating with children services and the agreement as this is protecting your children from harm. If he breached the agreement by coming to the family home, you will have to let children’s services know.

You are worried about your children being removed. This will only happen if you agree or the court makes an order giving children services parental responsibility such as a care order. For this, children services would need evidence that your children have suffered significant harm or are at risk of harm. If you are cooperating fully, as you were doing when there was the child protection plan, then your children will be safe.
When children come into care, they should be placed with connected people (family and friends) before stranger foster care. Do you have any one in your network who could care for your children?
Unless it is an emergency, before going to court, children services should consider the pre- proceedings process first. For details of this, please see the advice sheet about care proceedings I linked in my last post.

I hope this post helps but if you have any questions or need further advice please post back, call our advice line or speak to a child welfare law solicitor.

Best wishes,

Re: Future after dv

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 7:28 am
by Tessa90
Hi suzie, like you said the children would go to a family member before a stranger well in meetings we always said that my mum would have the children if that was to happen social services was suppose to do the checks to make sure my mum was able to do so if that should occur but that never got seen through my social worker also told me that we would have a cin meeting before the case was closed that never happened either I haven't seen her since just after the new year then I got a text to say she was leaving and closed our case she did try phoning me but I missed the call. I will take the advice and look in to further help and advice thank you.