Conviction for Indecent Images

[stadium83]

Hi,
Here is my situation. I am a dad of 2 beautiful children aged 6 and 8. I was arrested 1st November 2017, released under investigation and eventually charged and convicted (guilty plea) 1st November 2018, and sentenced on 29th November 2018. Thirteen months from arrest to sentencing! I was convicted of distribution of 1 x Cat C, Making 12 Cat A, 14 Cat B, 86 Cat C. No possession, all images were irretrievable unless specialist software was used. Turns out that the Images were on the system for approx. 9-12mins.
Now I’m not after any sympathy, I did it, I admit it. This has obviously destroyed my life and my family’s life. Before arrest I would have classed us as a usual standard family.

On arrest I was removed from staying at the family home and have now lived the last 16 months with my wife’s family. They live 5 doors down the road from the family home and children’s services and the police were aware of this
Children’s services conducted initial enquires and I was allowed to have supervised contact for 1.5hrs on a Tuesday and Thursday and 4 Hours on a Sunday. Children’s services then carried out a safer family’s assessment. This was concluded in Jan 2018 and the case closed. The outcome was that I was allowed supervised contact with my children the details and hours to be on my wife’s (whom was deemed to be able to keep my children safe) terms.

Over the year, contact was slowly increased by my wife and came to a point where I was seeing them most days, normally for 1hour – 1.5 hours and about 6 hours on a Sunday. The rules have been stuck to, no unsupervised contact, no intimate care and none of my electrical devices in the home at any point. Throughout this period I have continued to pay my share of the mortgage, utility and food bills etc. Just trying to provide the best way I can for my children.

Jump forward to sentencing 29th November 2018. I was sentenced to an eighteen-month community order and 300 hours of unpaid work, 5 years on the sor and a 5 year Shpo. The shpo just allows monitoring software on my PC’s etc and the Police VISOR team access to my computer history at their request. There are no restrictions on me having unsupervised contact with children under 18. The crown court judge was very sympathetic to the family in his summing up. Luckily there was no press coverage.

Over the Christmas period, my relationship with my wife had improved. No intimacy, but we were talking lots and getting on better. We decided, through probation, to contact children’s services with regards to a family reconciliation, not immediately, but how we could maybe work towards it and see how the family would look in the future. My wife and I at this point still classed ourselves as separated.
Children’s services were contacted by probation and a different SW contacted my wife and had an initial chat.
The SW sat with my wife and her mother and said various things to them, including asking my wife how she doesn’t that I get aroused when I see my daughter and telling her that it only takes a minute to contact abuse a child. (You can imagine the gist of the conversation). Absolutely nothing with regards to options with regards to the family reconciling and that it would go directly to a child protection plan if there was any hint of this. Further to this, she said that she thought my wife couldn’t see the risks of me with me spending so much time with the children and living so close and said basically that she thought that, although I wasn’t sleeping at the house, I was basically living there.
Move on a couple of weeks and now CS have instigated a safer families assessment on my wife and recommended that my contact is reduced back to that in the original agreement (Nov17). Between Jan18 and Jan19, there has been no interest or no contact from cs. My wife is petrified of CS and, in panic and to try to get them to back away a bit, told them that our marriage was over (I’m sure this is something that she doesn’t want).
I spoke with the SW last week and found her to be very aggressive, questioning my aim to reconcile the family and telling me that it is not what my wife wants. I asked her outright if she thought that I was a contact abuser. She replied with ‘ most online offenders don’t contact abuse, but some do’. I pointed out that in the eyes of the law, I would be able to take my friends daughter out for the day without any intervention. (obviously I am not not going to put myself in this position), but am unable to do it with my own children. The SW replied that Judges did 'some funny things'.

My wife has completed the Lucy Faithful partners course and I have been having physcotherapy for the 16 month (both self-referred) to see how I got into this position in my life. I have asked probation if there are any courses etc that I could do through them to go someway prove that this is part of my life that is in the past and will not be repeated but apparently but I apparently don’t meet the threshold for this.

I know that I have been a pathetic idiot in getting into this (Physcotherapy has been a great help in finding the answers to why I did what I did and how to prevent it happening again). I have always classed myself as a good husband and a good dad and I think my children adore me. I am absolutely destroyed by this and it hurts so much that I have caused so much pain and heartache to my family. I know that behind every photo that there is an abused child. I am not a monster and would never hurt anybody, let alone a child. I had everything in front of me. I now spend every night a crying mess and often wonderi if they would be better off without me. At Christmas there was a chink of light that I may be able to put this disgusting episode behind me and have some sort of life. The court has given me my sentence, that I accept. I think that my wife would be willing to give me a second chance, with work, to prove to her that the events that have happened aren’t really the real person that she married.
It just seems that CS and the SW seem to be intent on giving me a life sentence for something that will never happen in the future. These people seem to have a lack of experience, lack of knowledge and lack of assessment skills yet, and a draconian approach but, they seem to be able to have such a big say in how peoples lives will pan out. Surely a family unit is stronger together. Yes, I agree it has to be safe but, why be so aggressive rather than trying to work with the families.

I am broken and don't know how much more I can take.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear stadium83

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ discussion forum.

I see from your post that your main concern relates to the way in which the new social worker has handled the issues relating to your offences of downloading indecent mages and subsequent conviction in relation to your family being reunited. You say you have lived away from the family home for 16 months.

It appears from what you say in your post that your wife has, after meeting with the new social worker, come to the decision that your marriage is over. In your view her decision was made because of what the social worker discussed with her and her mother and her fear of children’s services. Whilst I can understand your belief that the social worker influenced your wife’s decision the fact remains that she made the decision. If it is not what she wants then it is for her to inform the social worker that she is prepared to do whatever is necessary to keep her children safe but want to work towards the family being reunited.

If your wife has come to the conclusion that the marriage is over, this is something that you will both need to deal with in the best way you can for the benefit of the children.

You and your wife can ask for a risk assessment to be carried out by children’s services bearing in mind that they carried out an assessment prior to sentencing and you were able to have supervised contact. Was there anything at the time of the assessment and when the case was closed to suggest that children’s services would re-visit the contact arrangements once you received your sentence? If this was not the case, you could consider making a formal complaint about their decision to reduce your contact without giving any indication of why and how the decision was reached. You may find out advice sheet Challenging decisions and making complaints

Alternatively, you could ask to have a meeting with the social worker’s team manager to discuss why the change in the way contact has been managed. It may be helpful if your probation officer and the officer responsible for your SHPO were able to give an input of their professional opinion. All of this is of course dependent on your wife’s position regarding the future of your marriage. If, as you have said, you considers that the marriage is over then neither children’s services or anyone else can insist that she become involved in any further work or assessment.

From your post, your wife has already engaged with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, have you engaged with them yourself. If not, you may find it helpful to do so together with the therapy you are currently having.

Your wife and you may find it helpful to contact parents protect

Please also read our advice sheet regarding Child protection procedures

It is important that you remember that children’s services have a safeguarding role as far as children are concerned and whilst you say that there is no chance of you re-offending, children’s services will be considering the best way to safeguard the children. They do not know what will happen in the future and therefore, the best they can do is to assess the situation and make an informed decision. The important thing is to work with children’s services and you mentioned at the beginning of your post when you seem to accept their intervention and decision.

If your wife and you want to work with them again, that is a decision for you both to make and to be prepared to do so over a lengthy period of time. Sometimes, families in your situatin have been able to work with children’s services towards the best outcome for their children and the family as a whole.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser you can telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[AANCM]

Is there any way i could speak with someone that’s has experienced the same as me privately? X