Police Investigation dragging on - Allegations made

[JMP123]

Excuse the long post...
Last September, my daughter, aged XX (out of a rage) told me that my husband (her stepdad), molested her as a child. She lives on her own with her child, aged X. We are chalk and cheese and have always had issues. She is the me that I dislike about myself. As soon as she told me, I called the children's helpline as my husband and I have a daughter age X. The police were called, and within a couple of hours, my husband was arrested. All his IT equipment were taken away by the police. He was then released a day later on bail without charge, pending investigation. He has been living with his mums and has supervised visits away from home.
When the police interviewed my older daughter, she said my husband also asked her for indecent videos in exchange for money when she left home (aged XX). After five weeks, the police called me to say that my husbands' bail conditions were going to be lifted and that I should move out of the house, as the property is on my husbands' name. We had been married for XX years, and I’ve lived in the property for 12 years. I was livered to hear that I had to move and told the police I was not moving. That's my little girl home, and I was not prepared to go into the system and voluntarily make myself homeless.
My X-year-old is a child in need. Between my husband and I, we used to share all the responsibilities. I don’t have any family support, and these past few months have been a living nightmare. If you a parent you will understand it’s not just drop off and pick from school. It’s everything else in between - school activities, homework, afterschool activities, weekend activities etc. I've had a barrage of social services calls, visits, meetings and assessments over the past few months. Both my husband and I have signed an agreement to work with SS.
The CIN meetings are held (pre-COVID-19) at my daughters' school. A few days before the meetings (now zoom calls), I become very anxious. I can’t sleep, rehearsing what I am going to say in my head, and think about how I am going to tackle their questions. I write down everything and keep a record of who is doing what and when. Even though we do everything by the book, the stress of running a home and doing everything as a single parent is taking its toll. The school doesn't have any concerns about my daughters' progress, attendance and overall well-being. The school has a counsellor that has been working with my daughter since the police started their investigation. It has been a great help for her to channel some of her feelings. There has been no concern from the school counsellor and social services that my little girl has shown signs of been molested by my husband. SS is waiting for the police to conclude their investigation before assessing my husband. He has been working with SS since his arrest.
After six months of hearing nothing from the police, I emailed the person in charge of the case a month ago to find out that my older daughter hadn't given the police her bank statements. Once I knew what the hold-up was, I asked my daughter to hand her bank statements over to the police.
I requested supervised home visits to reduce all the running around I have to do every second weekend for my daughter to see her dad. My mother in law has a second home abroad, so she is currently not in the country to supervise visits. Also, my husbands' brother has a compromised immune system, so during this pandemic, no visitors are allowed in fear of his brother catching the virus.
SS has ok'd supervised home visits, but have been waiting for the police to approve it. SS have emailed us another working together agreement, so everything is in place, but the police are stalling.
So over the weekend, I sent the police another email asking for another update. It has been a month since my daughter told me that she was going to hand in her bank statements, so I thought that the police would have made progress to ascertain whether there would be a charge. Well, what do you know? Still no bank statements. We are heading into the 7th month of "no" investigation. Part of my frustration is that the investigation is not moving or concluding. The police have no interest in the impact it has on the entire family, especially my little one.

So I send the police a response explaining my frustration, explaining that the situation has become beyond ridiculous. I receive a reply asking for my number to have a quick chat. I started having flashbacks of the conversation I had with her seven months ago, suggesting I move out of my home. I thought I wasn't going to put myself through that again and responded, saying that I would prefer an email instead. She when asked for my husbands' number. I replied saying, "Mr.... should have a solicitor that you could contact if you wish to speak with him". She then responded saying, "that's absolutely fine. It's just since you had been emailing me. I have of course emailed his solicitor and continue to await their response. Many kind regards

The police seem to believe that I am asking for an update on behalf of my husband? REALLY? What about the need for me to find answers, to plan my next move? What about my little one who has had her life turned upside down?
Surely the police should give my daughter a deadline to hand in the bank statements? At some point, the police should decide whether they ask the bank for those statements to complete their investigation? I don't ask my husband anything relating to the case, because I try to remain neutral. In the meantime, I am in limbo trying to get up every morning in the hope that this nightmare comes to an end!

Edited by Suzie in accordance with rules to preserve confidentiality

[1975scaredmum]

Hi you sound in a very similar situation to us my husband was accused of raping my daughter his stepdaughter on the 9th of march he was not allowed near the house or any contact with any minors under 18 Sunday just gone the police closed the case due too lack of substainable evidence and my daughter doesn't want to go too court but I am keeping the mindset of he can be a risk to our youngest daughter and working with social services our first child protection meeting was today he is back home however he cant have no unsupervised access to her and I have to remain in the room at all times plus I sleep downstairs with our daughter to protect her from any harm we are awaiting her child protection plan too see what measures they are going to put in place we are working with them as he needs a sexual risk assessment in due course as hard as it is working with social services rather than against them is vital

[JMP123]

You are lucky that part of the police investigation was sorted in a few weeks. While the police are investigating, SS can only do so much. Only once the investigation is complete, SS can carry out risk assessments. Part of my frustration is it seems as if this nightmare is going to last a year or more.

@1975scaredmum, I wish all the best with regards to your situation.

[1975scaredmum]

Yes we are awaiting his risk assessment also xcc

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear JMP123,

Welcome to the Parent’s Forum. I am Suzie FRG’s online adviser.

I am so sorry to hear about your families current difficulties. You outline how your older daughter made serious accusations against your husband. There is now a joint investigation involving the police investigating whether a crime has been committed and children services assessing and providing support to help you safeguard your younger daughter.
Until, the investigations are completed, your husband has agreed to live elsewhere. However, the police investigation has been ongoing since last September.
All this has meant you are taking a much greater role in looking after your daughter, almost as a single parent. You seem to be doing a great job though even though I can see how stressful it is for you. The school have said how well she is doing.
There is a child in need plan in place. You are working well and complying with the child in need plan.
Children services seem to have assessed you as someone who can protect your daughter from your husband (so you know his possible risk) as they have agreed with a plan that he has contact at home, supervised by you. This is subject to what the police say.


I agree with you- there is a lot of delay by the police. They told you they are waiting for your older daughter to supply copies of her bank statements. Are they also waiting for forensics to finish examining the computer and phones?
Ask the social worker to chase the police. Try and get an idea how much longer you will need to wait. It might be easier to manage the situation if you have an idea about timescales.
I have heard of many occasions when the police forensics have taken many months so delaying families re-uniting or parents being able to move on.

Your concern seems to be that the police think you were contacting them on behalf of your husband when in fact you were contacting them on behalf of yourself. I think it is important that you clarify this with the police. You have given sound reasons why you contacted them-waiting many months first before you chased them.
I wonder whether the police think you might be in denial about your husband being a possible risk to your daughter.
Your post indicated to me that you think your daughter is lying. You say she made the accusation in rage. I think it is important to try and hold off judgement, if you can, until the investigations have been completed.


I think you should discuss the likely options going forward with the social worker. Even if the police decide there is not enough evidence to prosecute to the criminal level of beyond reasonable doubt, children services may still want to do their own risk assessments.

One last point. I cannot understand why the police are telling you to move out of the family home saying it is in your husband’s name. This is not their remit. As you point out, you have rights to stay there while you remain married unless a court says otherwise.

I strongly advise that you seek legal advice about this from a matrimonial lawyer.
I hope this post helps but if you need further advice, please post again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[JMP123]

Thank you, Suzie

You have summed up the situation very well, and have given me good advice as to how to approach further communication with the police.

I received an update from SS today saying the police are conducting forensics on the IT equipment, but no update with regards to the bank statements.

I would hate to think that my daughter is lying about a serious allegation and purposefully putting a lot of stress on the entire family. The only losers here are children, especially when there is “he says”, “she says”. Our family will never be the same again, considering I may never know the truth and ultimately need to make tough decisions once the investigation comes to a conclusion.

Thanks again

[RGD123]

I am in a similar situation, however children were put child protection plan. It has been the worst time of my life. The moment social services enter your life is when life will become something you never wished you would see. From my experience it's the worst choice to ever get police involved in any family issues because they pass you onto SS straight away.Try to solve any issues within your own family, seek help from confidential sources. This country is notorious for bringing up honest citizens to which then they abuse. You might think iam being honest in sharing my problems with health professionals or any other professionals for that matter thinking you will get the sympathy and support but instead it will be documented and used against you for the rest of your life. They label you as a risk to your own children and at the slightest chance they get they will threaten you with taking your children away. As if the care system is so successful in bringing up children. The results are poor young lonely individuals who sleep on the streets and become addicts. It's very dad but this is the honest truth which every parent needs to know.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear RGD123

Thank you for posting again on the parents’ discussion forum.

I see from your post that you are not asking a specific question but you are expressing your views in respect of your involvement with children’s services. Whilst I can understand that you are speaking of your own experience, I think it would be helpful for others using the discussion forum to clarify the position where children’s services and other professionals including the police may become involved with a family and there may be safeguarding concerns relating to children in the family.

Children’s services are likely to become involved because they received a referral. This referral can be from other professionals for example, the police, the school, GP or health visitor or it could be from a concerned member of the public. Safeguarding is a responsibility for anyone who believes a child is at risk of harm or, has been harmed. There are procedures for children’s services to follow see advice sheet An introductory guide to Children’s Services

If children’s services through enquiries, conclude that the family needs support or the children are at risk of harm the it may be the children could be placed on a child in need plan or an initial child protection conference convened to discuss and decide if a child protection plan should be made. In both situations, the family should be offered support to address the concerns. Each family’s situation is different and, as such, it will be different experience. It may be that there is sometimes poor practice by individuals but the way to help families is for children’s services to work with them and for parents or others caring for children to engage positively with children’s services to get the best outcome.

The welfare of the children is the main issue and how best to achieve a situation for them to be in a safe environment. There are a lot of different reasons why children’s services may become involved and it is important to ensure that others who may become involved have a clear understanding of the duty to keep children safe in their families. Sometimes, unfortunately, in some situations because the situation does not improve children’s services might escalate a case from child in need to child protection or from child protection to court proceedings.

Please see our advice sheets:

Family support
Child protection procedures

I have set out briefly the position so that a person who needs help will ask for it and work with children’s services to get the best outcome for their family.

This does not take anything away from the experience you have had with a particular social worker or other professional but it is important to remember that the child or children is children’s services main concern when they become involved.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

Best wishes

Suzie

[JMP123]

RGD123

Only once you experience the trauma of "the system", you will understand the enormous stress parents go through when SS gets involved. In my case, I thought I was doing the right thing by reporting the allegations made by my eldest daughter against her stepfather after many years of her leaving home.

After a year of a child in need plan for my youngest daughter, with the police investigation still ongoing, SS closed the case. There were no signs of my youngest daughter being abused after intensive work with me, the school and with no police evidence after a year, it pushed them in a corner financially to close the file. My husband returned home in September (after a year) and we had to sign an agreement to safeguard our daughter.

I am sharing the content of the written agreement so that parents know what to expect. Don't be scared to push back on certain clauses where you feel they are being unreasonable.

Written agreement between XXX and Mr and Mrs XXX
The aim of the agreement is to outline Children Services expectations of Mr and Mrs XXX in relation to Mr XXX return to the family home following a period of absence during an ongoing Police investigation.
The recommendations within this agreement are aimed at safeguarding XXX and supporting XXX to continue to be cared for and reside with both of her parents, Mr and Mrs XXX with the least amount of risk. Mr and Mrs XXX are both clear that XXX welfare is paramount and this agreement aims to support that arrangement.
Mr XXX agrees to adhere to the following arrangements:
Mr XXX agrees to sleep in a separate room by himself. XXX is to continue sleeping in Mrs XXX room, as XXX has done since Mr XXX left the family home. XXX is to remain in the same bed throughout the night and not join Mr XXX in his bed throughout the night. Any changes to this arrangement, Children Services are to be notified to assess any risks.
XXX is to have no involvement as much as possible in XXX personal care routines that involves XXX dressing/undressing/showering/bathing. However, in the event that this is unavoidable, Mr XXX agrees to Ms XXX supervising the contact.
Mr XXX to not have sole care of XXX. He may drop XXX off and pick XXX up from school, but at home Mrs XXX must remain present.
Mr XXX to share any worries or concerns he has regarding the safeguarding of XXX with Children Services
Ms XXX agrees to adhere to the following arrangements:
Ms XXX agrees for XXX to supervised at all times within the family home and not to be left unsupervised in Mr XXX care until further discussions have been had with Children Services.
Ms XXX agrees to support XXX to ensure that the bathroom and bedroom doors remain closed when XXX is changing or using the bathroom.
Ms XXX to refrain from working away from home overnight until further discussion with social work team. This will remain for the duration of the current Police investigation.
Ms XXX to continue to support XXX contact with XXX sister and her niece XXX, outside the family home.
Ms XXX to share any concerns or worries she has regarding the safeguarding of XXX with Children Services.


I pushed back on one clause regarding my work travel. I argued that as long as my daughter is supervised by another family member while I am away from home, there is no reason for me to stop travelling as my job requires me to do so. During SS involvement, I stopped travelling, which caused my income to significantly reduce. They came back to me and said I could change the wording on the agreement, sign it and return it to them.

If you reading this, joy comes in the morning. Take it one day at a time, and don't allow anyone to rob you of your sanity.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear JMP123

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post.

You did act responsibly and as a protective parent when you contacted children’s services to let them know that your adult daughter had alleged that she had been sexually abuse by your husband when she was a child. It was the right thing to do. However, as you have explained this resulted in a police investigation and children’s services’ involvement which clearly was a very stressful and intrusive process for you all and impacted on many aspects of your family’s life.

From what you say, children’s services have now closed the case despite the police investigation not being concluded but with a robust safety plan - set out in a written agreement - in place which you are all working with.

You have given good advice about how to communicate and negotiate with children’s services when a clause in a written agreement is impracticable or does not met your family’s needs. Instead you were able to reach a satisfactory compromise where a family member could supervise while you were away for work purposes. It is a good idea to highlight these types of issues and put forward solutions to children’s services as you successfully did. Some basic requirements for written agreements are that they should be specific, set out clear expectations, clarify how they will be monitored or reviewed and most importantly that they should and be produced with parents who are equally committed to safeguarding their child – the plan and/or agreement need to be right for the child and their family if they are to be effective.

I hope there is a conclusion to the police investigation soon.

Thanks for providing an update and for sharing your experiences about how you moved forward.

With best wishes

Suzie