Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post Reply
Etwo1234
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 11:00 pm

Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by Etwo1234 » Fri Jul 23, 2021 9:13 pm

Hi.

This is my first post here and I received the knock in mid February 2021, 2 weeks after our second son was born. Needless to say no one would have seen it coming! My husband was at work and arrested there while I had the pleasure of hosting several police officers. I was informed he could have no contact with any child (later changed to supervised contact) but I don't think it would've mattered to me anyway as I was off as fast as I could! They couldn't tell me the offence specifics.... only he could, which doesn't help me much as he can clearly lie through his teeth!
I'm fortunate to have support in a different area and my own house there from before our relationship started. I'm still waiting for my tenants to move out so I can go home, things are very slow cause of covid! So my 3 darling sons and I are staying with my mum, which as you can imagine is cramped. CS are over the moon with my response and the fact that I could never tolerate that kind of behaviour, and certainly not remain with that person, and I'm not allowing any contact at the moment until I know the facts, so I have been signed off. Although I have reached out to them for advice since and they don't respond at all, which is frustrating.
The Ex told me over the phone after being released same day that he was talking sexually to a girl on Snapchat and found out half way through that she was 13, but he didn't stop the conversations/pictures etc! I didn't like his terminology saying things like, 'I've done something STUPID', stupid isn't the word I would use for it. It straight away felt like he was minimising it. I was very aware that he was probably lying and true enough I found out from CS that he knew her age from the get go, and she was actually younger than he claimed! The whole thing turns my stomach!
When I finally met him a couple of weeks later to express my plans of leaving him etc, I was civil and calm but very direct. And he even had the cheek to try and blame me at one point! Stating that I didn't show him enough affection! We'd only been living together a year after marrying and I'd had a miscarriage in January, which required 2 procedures and 4 months to sort, followed the month after by another pregnancy, which was a very stressful one, due to bouts of heavy bleeding, plus the worries from the previous miscarriage. And all he cares about is himself and his needs! The children were happy and cared for solely by myself, the house was clean, his meals cooked and I worked..... What else during that difficult time should I be expected to give!!
We have 2 children together and I have an older son.
I'm sorry I'm ranting, but I suppose on these forums I hear about women who support their partners through this and want them to have access. And I suppose I'd like to hear from someone on the other side of that. I don't trust him, don't like him, he's a liar and I definitely don't want him raising my sons. He said he'd never hurt them, but he can't see that he already has, as I've had to uproot them, change schools etc, and we're now in a single parent family unit so we're gonna always struggle financially because of his actions. Plus bottom line is I don't want them to grow up to be anything like him! He abused a position of power in the most grotesque way possible in my eyes, for his own gratification. And there was no remorse that I saw during the time I was told the offence took place, just business as usual for him as far as I could see! Plus he likes to play the victim all the time, which just angers me so much!
I've changed my two youngest's surnames to mine so they don't have to suffer any ramifications of association should it come out in the media. And they are happy and thriving without seeing him, as he wasn't present much anyway. Am I a bad person for having such a strong reaction to this, when so many others seem to be able to get past it?? I can't do that, it's just too disturbing to me!
It would also be helpful to hear from people that have experience of the offence of inciting a child (they're still investigating so may find more) and what sentencing/CS restrictions may be in this case. I'm quite anxious that he'll be able to try for unsupervised access and I'm definitely not comfortable with that prospect!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings!

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Aug 06, 2021 3:16 pm

Dear Etwo1234,

Welcome to the parents’ board and thank you for your post.

It sounds as though you and your family have been through an extremely difficult, stressful, and painful time following your husband’s arrest, and I hope you are okay. From your post, it is clear you have been extremely proactive in taking steps to safeguard your children and that children’s services have been satisfied with your response. It might be worth noting that you even if children’s services have closed the case, you can always refer yourself for a children and families assessment, if you think you and your boys would benefit from some extra support. You can read more about this a here.

With regards to your husband’s contact with your sons, this will be influenced by any sexual harm prevention orders (SHPO) he is placed under or the sentence he will receive if he is convicted. Ultimately, you do not have to allow your husband access to your sons if you think this would be a safeguarding risk and against their best interests. He may apply to the courts for a child arrangements order, and a judge will decide what, if any, contact arrangements there should be, based on your sons’ welfare. You may find it helpful to speak to child law advice on 0300 330 5480 or Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577 about this.

You may find it helpful to visit the Lucy Faithfull website, or to call their helpline on 0808 1000 900, where you can discuss support for relatives affected by those who have offended online.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Aug 06, 2021 3:16 pm

Dear Etwo1234,

Welcome to the parents’ board and thank you for your post.

It sounds as though you and your family have been through an extremely difficult, stressful, and painful time following your husband’s arrest, and I hope you are okay. From your post, it is clear you have been extremely proactive in taking steps to safeguard your children and that children’s services have been satisfied with your response. It might be worth noting that you even if children’s services have closed the case, you can always refer yourself for a children and families assessment, if you think you and your boys would benefit from some extra support. You can read more about this a here.

With regards to your husband’s contact with your sons, this will be influenced by any sexual harm prevention orders (SHPO) he is placed under or the sentence he will receive if he is convicted. Ultimately, you do not have to allow your husband access to your sons if you think this would be a safeguarding risk and against their best interests. He may apply to the courts for a child arrangements order, and a judge will decide what, if any, contact arrangements there should be, based on your sons’ welfare. You may find it helpful to speak to child law advice on 0300 330 5480 or Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577 about this.

You may find it helpful to visit the Lucy Faithfull website, or to call their helpline on 0808 1000 900, where you can discuss support for relatives affected by those who have offended online.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

ja2167
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:44 am

Re: Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by ja2167 » Mon Aug 09, 2021 5:13 pm

Not quite same scenario, but my ex was arrested for possession of IIOC . We had 2 children together and I was pregnant with our 3rd at the time.

I split it up with him the day it happened - he too made out he was innocent, made it out to be less than it was etc and I was told the same - I’m not allowed to know, was only told it was IIOC as the police gave me a copy of the arrest warrant and it had it in there.

Anyways, social services have treated me like a criminal. I’m currently being taken to court because social services hav told me if I allow him to have contact, my kids will be put onto a child protection plan and because of this I’d loose my job.

I have no funds to pay for family court and because I work I’m expected to fund myself ..

I find a lot of men , I say men as I’ve only ever come across posts of men being accused of what my ex has and your ex has, but they think it’s everyone else’s fault when they made those decisions, they broke our families apart and they’ve lied .

I will let my ex have supervised contact, but only I will allow myself to do it - I simply don’t trust anyone else to supervise him. Social services want him to have no contact, which I got a free consultation with a family lawyer and he told me the judge will allow supervised, but it could be at a contact centre or a family member of his.. I simply don’t trust any of his family..

It makes me feel sick that he could even look at that stuff, and I won’t ever feel comfortable him having the kids, even with someone else there. I don’t trust anyone now if I’m honest. It’s a horrible situation. If he had been honest from the start it might be different; but he sat and lied and tried to down play it.

I wasn’t allowed to change my kids surnames, our youngest doesn’t have his name, luckily! How did you manage this?

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Aug 17, 2021 7:58 am

Dear Ja2167,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your experience. I just wanted to signpost you to Child Law Advice, who you can contact on 0300 330 5480 and Rights of Women, who you can contact on 020 7251 6577 who may be able to provide you with some more free advice on any private family law matter you are involved in.

In regards to changing children's surnames, you may find this web page helpful.

Finally, you may also want to contact the Lucy Faithfull foundation on 0808 1000 900, who offer support to family members of those who have offended online.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

Etwo1234
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 11:00 pm

Re: Soon to be ex husband charged with inciting child to engage! I don't want him to parent our children.

Post by Etwo1234 » Thu Aug 26, 2021 12:45 am

Hi ja2167

Thanks so much for reaching out and our situations/reactions feel similar, so is great to hear from you. And I completely agree that the deception is huge! I'd have more respect for those that hold their hands up and take responsibility for their offences, rather than those who try to worm out of it and go as far as to blame innocent people.... My ex even tried to blame the victim/family, arguing that she shouldn't have been on Snapchat!! I don't know why we can't live in a world where children can't be free to do social things without being propositioned by 40 year olds!! I mean how dare he!!

I was able to get my soon to be ex husband to sign the required documents to change the boys surnames. Logistically, as their single and primary care giver it makes sense for them to share my name. But beyond that I did not want them attached to any stigma that should never be bought to their door, as a consequence of their father. Is there anyway you can discuss this with your former partner? Would they likely understand that and agree?
My ex didn't want to sign but once faced with the consequences that their children could face, it's very difficult to reasonably argue against that.

Thanks a lot for your response Susie. That information is really useful for my situation.

Thanks everyone 👍👍

Post Reply

Who is online

In total there are 13 users online :: 2 registered, 0 hidden and 11 guests (based on users active over the past 5 minutes)
Most users ever online was 318 on Fri May 28, 2021 9:04 pm