Social services involvement...I am in the dark

[Pan40]

Sorry for the long post. I am married and haven’t had a great relationship with my wife from last couple of years.
Last week, when I came back home, I realized that she has left home with our 2.5 years old child. I called police & after calling her many times and checking places where she could have gone. They told me now that her & my child are safe and with social services and they can’t tell me anything more. She sent me some online videos on emotional abuse in the same week. I am in total dark here and reading forums etc to learn about the system as I have no prior experience. I called the 101 help line for updates & they say someone will call but no one has called so far.
I am at work from 7am till 8pm l(front line worker) and frequent fights have eroded any love we had.
Ours was arranged marriage and we are different people but I tried. We are married for nearly 5 years now.
I have another child(joint custody), age 12 from previous marriage. My ex & I separated amicably after 10 years and we never accused each other for such things so prior history of DV.
After my this marriage, her being new in the country, I tried to help her settled , made her learn driving so that she can be independent, encouraged her to work to learn her ways around. But she desperately wanted a child and stay home Mum. She tried suicide attempt as she couldn’t wait to have a child within 6 months of marriage (I wanted to delay due to reasons above), so I had to take her to hospital. I thought she felt insecure in the relationship thus, I gave in and we had a child but she struggles with the household responsibilities & looking after the child. She also struggles with social skills and did not make many friends and stayed distanced from my side of the family. She is a loving mother but struggles with the organization and forgetful and that creates chaos. That has led to fights. I ask her to organize life better as it is annoying to run to shops at 9/10 pm after getting home from work tired...and being told we don’t have nappies or baby food(while she can drive). She does not like me correcting or criticizing her(no one likes it I understand). I feel she shouts more and louder at me but I take it quietly. She wanted more children but I didn’t as I have a very busy work life and I feel am already looking after two kids, her and our baby. I was hoping that with time, she will get over this. Our child is beautiful and healthy and we had a chance to remain a family and may be over time be a happy family.I have asked to seek help and counseling but she said she did not believe in these things. I ended up calling to helpline last year twice to ask for advice and how can they help her with counseling.
However, we have been fighting a lot recently on things like she has joined Jehovah witness and she gets annoyed if I attend birthday of other child in family or having Christmas tree. My wife never attempted to develop relationship with my child from previous marriage who comes over for weekends and holidays. I want to celebrate Christmas & birthdays with my children or with my nephew&nieces.
I know she made few friends recently and I was happy for her to have some outside contact.
But I just did not see this coming .Now she is with social services with our child. I assume she has made allegations against me about the emotional abuse(thinking of videos she sent me this week). what happens next? I was told that someone should get in-touch with me. I have been waiting and seeing my child’s toy around makes me feel sick due to worry.
Will social services ban me from seeing my child? I love my child and i have never been abusive to my wife. I do want to stay in my child’s life as father so where should I turn to?
I am now afraid that if she moves back, she can accuse me of anything that will put my job and my ability of look after both of my children at risk. Our marriage is now over I think but I want to settle it the proper & legal way. She wants house as she has threatened me in the past that it will go to her. In my previous divorce settlement, i handed over the house to my ex as she bought over part of my share. She could manage the mortgage and that allowed me to move on and get this house. However, we were joint owners in that case. Here, my current wife contributed nothing financially. I don’t underestimate the value of home makers but our proper relationship only lasted about 3 years. I am most worried about my young child and the impact on my other child. I also wonder if her allegations (don’t know the details) to SS against me are a way to maximize the financial settlement.
Anybody in similar situation with false accusations? How do I reach out to SS to see my child?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Pan40,

Welcome to the parents’ board and thank you for your post.

You say in your post that your wife of five years has left the family home with your 2.5 year old child. You describe several issues within the marriage, which you say is now over. You have been informed by the police that your wife and child are with children’s services and are safe. You believe your wife may had made some allegations of emotional abuse against you. You have not heard anything from children’s services and are worried that you will be stopped from seeing your child. You would like to know what to expect next and would like to have contact with your son.

It appears from your post that your wife has fled the family home with your child and has been supported by children’s services to access accommodation. She may have made allegations of domestic abuse, which will cause concern and therefore, it is likely that a social worker will now complete an assessment.This will involve speaking to you and your wife and any professionals in your son’s life such as a health visitor. The social worker will look at the strengths within the family as well as any risk that your child may be at. Look at this page for more information on what to expect from an assessment. There are several outcomes that can come from an assessment, including a referral to early help, or a recommendation that your child be supported on a child in need plan – look here here for more information on this. If, at any point, the social worker believes your child has suffered or is at risk of significant harm, then child protection enquiries may be initiated, which may eventually result in your child being placed on a child protection plan. Please look at here for more information on the child protection process.

You should receive contact from an allocated social worker soon; if this does not happen, you may want to contact your local children’s services department. With regards to contact with your son, children’s services cannot legally prevent this, however it would appear from your post that your wife does not want you to know where she is, and it is important you respect this. If children’s services find that you may pose a risk to your child, they may become concerned if contact happens, especially without any kind of risk-assessment, and may escalate their level of involvement. At this point, it would be useful for you to tell the social worker that you would like to have contact with your son, and that you would like children’s services to support you with this. For example, contact could take place in a neutral location, supported by friends and family.

You may also want to consider making an application to the court for a child arrangements order. This means that a Judge will consider your application and will decide about where your son should live, and any contact arrangements based upon what is in his best interests.

As this is your first contact with children’s services, I would recommend that you read our introduction to children’s services page for a general overview of children’s services departments and the different ways that may become involved in the lives of children and their families. You may also find it helpful to take a look at the father’s section of our website, and this page about contact in particular.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie