apologies for the length of this and any help or advice would be hugely appreciated thank youICO
ICO
Apologies is thus isn't the correct forum . On Sunday 16th May my oldest child sustained a black eye due to his father throwing a heavy plastic cup back at him I wasn't in the room when it happened I only found out after I noticed the black eye and questioned my husband about it. Monday 17th May my husband took my 4 year old to school and 17 month old to nursery I was left asleep in bed with our then 6 week old . When he returned home I asked him what he told professionals regarding our sons black eye his response was that our 17 month old caused it . Our children had just been stepped down to a child in need the week prior and we we're awaiting transfer from one local authority to another so obviously school called in social services who questioned my 4 year old numerous times he gave inconsistent answers one being his little sister threw the cup one being he was hit by a ball at the park and the obvious that his dad hit him . My husband is already on a suspended sentence for smacking our son last year and leaving a nasty bruise on his bum . Tuesday 18th May I had to take my son to a child protection medical my husband told me I had to stick with the story that our daughter caused it as he couldn't face time in prison I'd be the worst mum for having him taken away from our children and he promised that his family would make my life a living hell and that I'd best move away or I'd be in danger . So I stuck with the story like an idiot and the doctor ruled the investigation inconclusive. Stagety meeting was arranged however Wednesday 19th May social worker phoned us to let us know they were taking legal action and that either my husband has to move out and the kids stay at home with me but I have to find someone to move in and supervise which I expressed there was no one so our 2 eldest we're placed with their auntie and our youngest was placed with a Foster carer at this time my mother in law was going on at how I couldn't kick my husband out it isnt fair where will he go ect playing mind games like she always does making me feel **** . Friday 21st May we attended the court hearing social services just dragged it out however they were granted a temporary interim care order and court was adjourned until friday 28th May by which time both myself and my husband had given our statements to our solicitors however I yet again stuck to the story as my husband scares me he's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. Court Friday was useless social had done nothing in the week and wouldn't even pass my mum as suitable to move in and supervise me with the children as I pose high risk to my kids as I've failed to protect them in the past which is bullshit I didn't tell anyone straight away about the incident last year because my husband pinned me to the wall and warned me if I did my life wouldn't be worth living so I was scared of the consequences . Social again dragged out court and we got no where other than the children stay where they are and we return to court this Thursday we've now been transferred to our local authority who were due to take over after the child protection conference but didn't. The last local authority were ordered to have everything sent over by Wednesday 4pm we are due in court Thursday at 11am they are filling for an exclusions order so my husband has to move out pending investigations but they don't know me as a person so can't trust me to keep him away as apparently I'm choosing him over my children which I'm not my kids are my priority and all I want is them back I don't want the relationship haven't for a long time but he's so controlling and manipulative like his mother so I always go back to him there's many recorded domestic abuse cases filed with the police however now I'm scared if I open up about the truth scared they'll say I've yet again failed to protect my children and I'll never get them back I can't face 26 weeks possibly longer without them I've barely slept since the night they got taken my mental health is a mess with all this I just want to do right by my children and get them home Thursday apologies for the length of this and any help or advice would be hugely appreciated thank you
apologies for the length of this and any help or advice would be hugely appreciated thank you-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4234
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: ICO
Dear L2021
Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties your family is experiencing. I can see how devastating it is to be separated from your children including your young baby. I am sorry there has been a delay responding to you.
You have explained that you are involved in care proceedings for your 3 young children; two have been placed with their aunt, in what should be a kinship foster placement, and your youngest baby has been placed in foster care. The children are under temporary care orders with case responsibility due to transfer between local authorities. You mention a court hearing which will already have happened by now where the court was being asked to make an exclusion order against your husband. You were hoping that the children would be returned to you at that hearing. You are aware that the timescale for care proceedings is 26 weeks so the court will look to make a permanent decision about the children in that time. Here is a guide to care proceedings which I hope will help you understand the process.
As your situation may have moved on by now, my advice is based on the situation at the time of your post i.e. where the children are not in your or your husband’s care and where the local authority shares parental responsibility for them. If all or any of the children have been returned home to you, following the recent court hearing, my advice might be different, so please do let me know if this is the case.
I can see from your post that you have experienced significant domestic abuse from your husband; this has included physical violence, emotional abuse, and coercive control. You are not to blame for the abuse you have suffered; your husband is responsible for his behaviour.
I understand that this has impacted on your parenting and that the coercive control you are experiencing has also affected your decision making. You have been put under pressure by your husband and his mother to back him up. Coercive control is a criminal offence and if convicted a perpetrator can face up to 5 years in prison. I think that it is really important that you access support from a specialist domestic violence service who will understand your experiences and can help you to make safe choices. Please see these materials and this link to sources of support.
The recent injury to your son, in the context of your husband’s existing conviction for harming him and the history of domestic violence, has led to the current court proceedings. I can understand how your husband’s coercive control and your fear of him led you to say what he told you to say i.e. that your toddler daughter hurt her brother, not your husband. You have been put under extreme duress and are worried that your children may not be returned to you. However, it is not ok to lie to the professionals involved e.g. social workers and doctors, about what happened. It is particularly serious to lie to the court; this potentially has very severe consequences. It also does not help you or your children if the true extent of the risks are not known to the court, as they are being asked to make permanent decisions for the children without all the relevant information. It is also not ok that a young child is being blamed for their parent’s behaviour. I know that none of this is easy and that you want to do your best for the children. I strongly recommend that you discuss this with your solicitor as soon as possible, explaining the circumstances, and that you ask their advice about how to approach children’s services.
It is very important that you are able to work with all involved so I think these tips on working with your social worker, solicitor and advocate (you can ask for a domestic violence advocate to help you) will be helpful to you.
Although you indicate that your family support network may be quite limited, it is usually a good idea to explore your network early on through a family group conference (FGC) to find out who can help you care for your children or to care from them if you cannot. When there has been domestic violence, any FGC would have to first consider your safety needs and manage any meeting sensitively.
If the children have remained looked after in foster care then this information sets out what this means for you and how you should be involved.
It is important to look after yourself at this time so do seek support from your GP or other mental health support services if the situation is taking a toll on your wellbeing.
If you would like to discuss your situation with an adviser please ring our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, or post here with an update.
Best wishes
Suzie
Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties your family is experiencing. I can see how devastating it is to be separated from your children including your young baby. I am sorry there has been a delay responding to you.
You have explained that you are involved in care proceedings for your 3 young children; two have been placed with their aunt, in what should be a kinship foster placement, and your youngest baby has been placed in foster care. The children are under temporary care orders with case responsibility due to transfer between local authorities. You mention a court hearing which will already have happened by now where the court was being asked to make an exclusion order against your husband. You were hoping that the children would be returned to you at that hearing. You are aware that the timescale for care proceedings is 26 weeks so the court will look to make a permanent decision about the children in that time. Here is a guide to care proceedings which I hope will help you understand the process.
As your situation may have moved on by now, my advice is based on the situation at the time of your post i.e. where the children are not in your or your husband’s care and where the local authority shares parental responsibility for them. If all or any of the children have been returned home to you, following the recent court hearing, my advice might be different, so please do let me know if this is the case.
I can see from your post that you have experienced significant domestic abuse from your husband; this has included physical violence, emotional abuse, and coercive control. You are not to blame for the abuse you have suffered; your husband is responsible for his behaviour.
I understand that this has impacted on your parenting and that the coercive control you are experiencing has also affected your decision making. You have been put under pressure by your husband and his mother to back him up. Coercive control is a criminal offence and if convicted a perpetrator can face up to 5 years in prison. I think that it is really important that you access support from a specialist domestic violence service who will understand your experiences and can help you to make safe choices. Please see these materials and this link to sources of support.
The recent injury to your son, in the context of your husband’s existing conviction for harming him and the history of domestic violence, has led to the current court proceedings. I can understand how your husband’s coercive control and your fear of him led you to say what he told you to say i.e. that your toddler daughter hurt her brother, not your husband. You have been put under extreme duress and are worried that your children may not be returned to you. However, it is not ok to lie to the professionals involved e.g. social workers and doctors, about what happened. It is particularly serious to lie to the court; this potentially has very severe consequences. It also does not help you or your children if the true extent of the risks are not known to the court, as they are being asked to make permanent decisions for the children without all the relevant information. It is also not ok that a young child is being blamed for their parent’s behaviour. I know that none of this is easy and that you want to do your best for the children. I strongly recommend that you discuss this with your solicitor as soon as possible, explaining the circumstances, and that you ask their advice about how to approach children’s services.
It is very important that you are able to work with all involved so I think these tips on working with your social worker, solicitor and advocate (you can ask for a domestic violence advocate to help you) will be helpful to you.
Although you indicate that your family support network may be quite limited, it is usually a good idea to explore your network early on through a family group conference (FGC) to find out who can help you care for your children or to care from them if you cannot. When there has been domestic violence, any FGC would have to first consider your safety needs and manage any meeting sensitively.
If the children have remained looked after in foster care then this information sets out what this means for you and how you should be involved.
It is important to look after yourself at this time so do seek support from your GP or other mental health support services if the situation is taking a toll on your wellbeing.
If you would like to discuss your situation with an adviser please ring our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, or post here with an update.
Best wishes
Suzie
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