Advice needed worried and scared

[Mommyof3]

Really long post sorry in advance!
There was an incident almost 2 weeks ago my self and ex partner now were arguing and it got heated and he poured a glass of wine over my head. My 2 children who are 8 and 11 saw this I immediately told my children to go upstairs and followed them up. As I was going upstairs he was still arguing and hit me on my backside a few times as I was going up I am not going to try and say this was playful or try to downplay it because it wasn’t yes it stung and yes that is domestic violence I am completely aware of that. I rang the police immediately I just wanted him removed from the home away from the children so everything could calm down and my children weren’t listening to the shouting. I was upset at the time and my children were upset which made me even more upset I told the police on the phone he had punched and kicked me on my way up the stairs (I don’t know why I said that as that wasn’t the truth again I am honestly not trying to downplay anything). He had left property by time police arrived but they found him quickly and he was arrested. He was released on bail with conditions he could not contact me or come to the house for 28 days. He has since been released with out charge and conditions dropped. I have spoke to a 3rd party mutual friend and asked that he could inform him that I would rather he stay away from currently as I would like him to get help, courses/counciling what ever he is feeling would help himself to understand what happens Family connect got in touch with me who are part of social services and said they wanted to discuss what had happened the lady I spoke to said she didn’t belive this was the first time any DV had happened as it doesn’t usually start with kicking and punching) I haven’t told them that wasn’t the truth of what happened I did say it has never happened before but didn’t tell them it wasn’t as I made out but yes dv is still do in any shape or form but I’m scared they will think I am downplaying the situation and I’m not want to be truthful but understand that could look bad . They asked if I wanted to get back with him or resume the relationship I did at the time say I didn’t know at that moment what I wanted to talk to my children and try to understand stuff in my head and that I had not made that decision. That was on the Thursday 4 days ago . I was told she would give me a call back no call so I phoned her today Monday. To be told that the case has been forwarded to a social worker and they would be in touch regarding a home visit as she deems this to be a very serious incident . My main question is I want to be completely honest with SS and say that I do not want to rule out a relationship in the distant future in 12 months/18 months IF he is able to prove off his own back that he has completed courses, he has had counciling he is wanting to change and accepts what is wrong. And until that happens I will not allow him near the children or any contact with them. (We were together for 3 years and the children have said they miss him but I want them to understand what happened is wrong) And there are consequences for people that hit or hurt other people. I would like to stay in contact with him but not in a relationship at this time. again until or if he has been able to prove he has worked a lot. Will social services take me wanting to stay in contact as me not putting my children first even though I am not allowing any contact with them at all. As that is not the case. Yes I love him and I won’t deny that I don’t but I love my children more. I am wanting to do the freedom course and have also spoke to national domestic abuse helpline about advice and support. I don’t know if they will be put on children in need or child protection or what will happen. Does any one have any advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mommyof3,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You say in your post that there was an incident of domestic abuse that took place in your home two weeks ago whilst your children were present, which resulted in your partner hitting you and the police being called. Your partner was arrested, however all charges and bail conditions have now been dropped and your partner has not returned to the home. You say that told the police that your partner has punched and kicked you when this was not the case, but you are now worried that asserting this may come across as though you are minimising the seriousness of the incident. You have been contacted by children's services and informed that a social worker will be completing a home visit. You say that you would not like to rule out reconciling with your partner in the future, but would like him to engage with support first and would not allow him to have contact with the children. You would like to know how this may be received by children's services and whether they are likely to be concerned.

It is encouraging that you have acknowledged the seriousness of the incident that took place and the fact that it is likely to have been frightening for your children. Children's services are concerned about the incident and it now appears that they would like to complete a children and families assessment. This means a social worker will visit your home, speak to you and your children, and other agencies such as health and education in order to assess the risk and protective factors in your children's lives. For more information on what to expect from an assessment, take a look at our advice sheet here. The assessment may result in a number of outcomes - no further action; a referral to early help; a child in need plan; or child protection enquiries may be initiated if there are grounds to believe your children have suffered or are at risk of significant harm. This could result in your children being placed on a child protection plan. For more information on child protection procedures, take a look here.

It is important that you work openly and honestly with the social worker during the assessment period. Children's services cannot dictate who you can be in a relationship with, but they may become concerned if they think you are prioritising contact (physical or otherwise) with your partner against the best interests of your children. Children's services may have questions about how you plan to protect your children from any future incidents and what safety measures you and your partner have put in place to ensure this does not happen again, if you want to maintain some form of contact. Again, it is important to be open with the social worker about this and to possibly suggest developing a safety plan that addresses any current risk. It is positive that you want to engage with domestic abuse services and you should make this clear; it will also be up to your partner to proactively engage with support if he wants to address his behaviour.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Mommyof3]

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been 4 weeks now since social services were in touch the sw wasn’t able to do a home visit due to corona but we spoke on the phone and she spoke to the children via wattsap video and also requested I show her around my home via wattsap video. She said that she now had to do an assessment which would take up to 35 days so second week of February. She seemed nice and I was completely honest with her about everything. Still haven’t had contact with my ex partner I know that he has called respect and has srarted the ball rolling to do a dv perpetrators course as we have mutual friends who Informed me that was what he had done. He has no conditions that he isn’t allowed to the house and it was myself that decided to keep him away from the house while the children are here I wasn’t asked to do this by the sw that was my choice so I’m hoping that she will see that I am trying even though yes I would like to reconcile in the future I am doing what I can now to keep the children safe guarded while the investigation is ongoing. I haven’t heard anything from social worker since the 3rd January since the phone call. The whole thing is making me feel really anxious. I want to speak to her to see if there are any updates on the investigation but don’t want to seem like I am bothering her. She has spoke to the children’s father (as ex is not there biological father) which I was more than happy to do. He was aware of everything that had happened as I had informed him on the night it occurred. What worries me is that she was asking him questions such as if we were to go down the road of removing the children would you want full custody and we would support you if needed. I don’t understand why they are even asking him that as my house is clean and tidy the children are well looked after fed and always clean and most importantly happy. I am not allowing ex to have contact with them. But I feel deflated is that a normal question they would ask even if they had no intention of doing that.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mommyof3

I have replied to your latest post.

Best wishes

Suzie