Can social services split us up

[Anonymousbag83]

So it's a very long story I'll try to cut short and then answer any questions if necessary although will still be very long.

Basically me and my partner have been together for 5 and a half years. We got engaged last year and just found out I am pregnant.

I smoke weed which I have cut down and will stop completely within next few weeks. I also suffer with depression and anxiety and this is my first child that I have wanted for so long. I'm 32 been living alone since 18, I'm in a 2 bedroom council flat. I've always been a strong minded independent women, I've had a good upbringing and have alot of support around me. Never had social services involved. I dont work due to my depression.

However my Partner had alot of behaviour and mental health problems as a kid and had social services involved, he then grew up and had 5 kids by 2 dif mums. The eldest 2 were removed due to his risk towards women and children at the time and failing to comply with local authority is this because he was arrested for attempting to take pictures of a minor which got NFA the same day but he also had a volatile and abusive relationship this was in 2004/5 and they were adopted.

In 2010 he moved to xxxxxxxx and met the mother of his youngest 3, that was also volatile and abusive relationship. She feel pregnant and moved back to his area where council housed them, however they liked lied to get houses. They got found out and made homeless, social services were aware but didnt want to take action, offered assistance if needed.

However at this time his step father had been arrested and under investigation for possession of child pornoghrapy.

So they approached social services and asked if it would be safe for them to stay at his mothers house with her and his step father.

They said yes however not in writing.

His mothers house was raided by police while my partner and his then partner and son where living there.

His sister and her 2 kids resided there and her kids were removed that night that the police raided.

However my partner and his then partner and son were removed together and placed in a b&b as they were still a family unit and were just staying there. For some reason they had a court process and the judge removed my partner from the family unit on a temporary basis to please the local authority as they were now bringing up his passed and what happened with his eldest too aswell as case against his step father. His mother also refused to leave his step father so she was deemed a risk to children and unable to see any of her grandchildren.

There was aload of discrepancy with the case including his sister and her kids.
Social services done things I'm sure is illegal. Although my partner disnt help by not sticking to agreements and doing as they say etc.
Also they signed a written agreement then him and his then partner had a demostic however their son was not present. He was arrested for assault and battery. He held his hands up and was looking at a prison sentence. His then partner came to the court and defended him and his actions, stated she was the cause. They then tried to force her to sign a written agreement that he couldnt have any contact with thier son until reviewed in court, she refused and they removed thier son within half an hr.

She then found out she was pregnant again and because thier son had already been removed they had an plan already in place to remove him at birth.

They near enough removed him at birth and had an adoption order for both of them. She then found out she was pregnant again.

She was given a change of a mother and baby foster unit with the 3rd child if she completely cut of my partner and all his family. She accepted but couldnt manage and left the baby and returned to my partner.

They broke up in 2013 and eventually lost contact with each other, they no longer had contact with any of thier 3 kids accept occasional letterbox. Which randomly stopped with no explanation

He then met me in 2014 and we got together in November. He didn't drink but he smoked weed pretty much same as me, we hit it off and as we got closer and more serious he started to feel me on his passed.

5 and a half years later and we been through alot together we have had our ups and downs but thier has never been any violence between us.

Although on several occasions I did call the police. This was because at the time I wanted him to leave and he wouldnt because he knows when I calm down I ask him to come back again. The police were made aware of this and could see was no abuse or violence.

He has encouraged me to build back my relationship with my parents which I am eternally grateful for as my father died several years later and thanks for my partner we had a great relationship and even had a few holidays before he passed.

He supported me through my dads death.
I then found out I had cancer. He supported me and looked after me through it coming to atleast 90% of my appointments with me, sat through every chemo session with. Made sure I took my meds, ate made my appointments, etc. He looked after my 5 animals as well as me.

I also had a heart attack and spent 2 weeks in hospital. In which he came everyday with food and clothes and spent hours with me. He then went back to my home and kept it running looking after my 5 animal's. (3 dogs 2 cats)

We have are arguments what couples don't, but we are a stable happy in love couple who want this child more than anything.

His sister is also engaged and pregnant again with twins. She is further along. When social services got involved she was told they wasnt interested it's an historical case but
Because her partner has mental health issues (his kids have been removed too way before they met and placed with his mum) that they would offer support.

Because of this and all changes he has made and how much of a different person he is, and fact that I and we are stable happy relationship. We assumed would be same for my partner and we went ahead a tried for a baby after being given go ahead from my medical consultants. I am now 5 weeks pregnant.

But out the blue, his sister has been told that him (my partner) and his mum are not allowed to see her twins.

So this has obv brought up alot of fear questions and anxiety reguarding our baby. All of us including his mum, sister and my mum (and dad when he was still with us) are all a close family unit. We are just like any other family we love and care for one another and do what we can when we can to support each other. If I'm honest the people I have known for past 5 years don't seen like people who were/went through what they did before I met them. And it's hard to beleive when my partner talks of his past that its same person.

He is terrified they will try to split us up or take our baby away.

Can they actually do that?

Are we better off contacting social services and self or wait and see what happens? If we going get separated while they do assessments or anything like that we would rather sooner than later we dont want him missing out on any of our child's upbringing like he has with the rest.

Also if they do get involved with me I live in a different burrow to him when he lost the kids would my boroughs social service deal with me or his? As there was a lot of failings from them and I'd rather we have someone completely new

[Anonymousbag83]

I'd also like to add that over past 5 years he has undergone and passed several mental health courses including CBT and Compassionate focused therapy. He has also never been charged with anything. Everything to them is well was always "possible/potential" risks. They used things which highly ridiculous like for example when he was a kid like 7-8 he would pull his pants down and shake his privates. They have used that and said he has been displaying sexualised behaviour since a child.

[Anonymousbag83]

Any advice?

[Anonymousbag83]

Still nothing

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Anonymousbag83

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thanks for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group.

You have provided a very detailed background about yourself and your partner’s family and you have explained the concerns you have regarding your pregnancy and how children’s services might become involved.

I do not think it is necessary for me to comment on all the history you have provided but I will mention those issues which I think are relevant to your current situation.

Firstly, you are pregnant with your first child. You suffer with depression and anxiety and you are smoking weed. It is important that you make a decision about your cannabis use, this would be seen by children’s services as you putting your unborn child at risk. Your mental health is not an issue in itself but if it is not managed then how it impacts you would be something children’s services might want to be assessed. If you are engaging with mental health services and doing what you need to in order to manage your health that is a good thing and you should continue to do so.

Your partner has been involved with children’s services in respect of his children from previous relationship and had children removed from his care. This is something that children’s services will look into. You say he has mental health issues and also smokes cannabis. Although the police did not take further action against him regarding photographs of a child, this will also be of concern to children’s services.

You refer to his sister’s situation and the fact that her local children’s services is working with her and her partner. I think you should understand that each case is different and will depend on the family’s circumstances.

With you and your partner, whilst you describe him and very supportive of you during health situations, you also mention that you have called the police several times. This could be a concern as it may mean there being problems of domestic violence in your relationship. Yes, couple do have arguments but it does not mean the police will be called. Your relationship is volatile and this sort of environment would not be considered appropriate for a baby or any child.

Children’s services would not normally become involved so early in a pregnancy but if you and your partner want to know children’s services thinking you can decide if you want to inform them at this stage. The process is usually much later and then they decide what action they need to take in respect of assessments. Children’s services will be able to decide what action, if any, they after looking at your situation.

Since you live in a different local authority area to your partner it will be your local authority that deals with the case but the local authority that dealt with your partner and his children are likely to be contacted for background information.

Whether or not children’s services suggest a separation will depend on the concerns they have about your baby being kept safe. This is something they should discuss with you and your partner. They cannot force you to separate but might consider that you are both not working with them if you refuse. It may be as you say that the separation is only until assessments are completed.

Any assessment that children’s services do will look at your partner and your current circumstances. You may find it help to read some of our frequently asked questions here

Our advice sheet relating to family support and child protection will provide you with more information Family support, Child protection procedures

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Anonymousbag83]

Hiya. I know probably sounds like our relationship is volatile because I have called the police several times but id like to clarify its not at all. Ive called them I think 3 times and the last time was atleast 3 years ago and they could see and was made very clear tgier was no violence. We don't even argue much anymore. Tbh the cancer brought us closer together and also made me realise how much he loves me and vise versa. Like I said I suffer mh so always thought and felt I wasn't good enough and if I don't love me how can he or anyone else. But that's no longer the case. If anybody goes by our relationship now then we are a happy loving couple. We been on quite a few holidays together and built wonderful memories.

I didn't quite understand the bit about social services becoming involved so early and weather or not u would suggest we contact them first.

The part about the pictures. It was the mother of his first 2 children's younger sister. Who didn't even understand the servirity of what she was saying and had always had a crush on him and hated his relationship with her older sister. She immediately admitted she lied and was given no further action. So I don't understand how something like that can be a concern or used against him.

The other situation with his step father was years later and nothing todo with him, he lived miles away atm.

I have stopped smoking cannabis. I currently don't have any input into my mh as I finished a course a few years back and no longer feel I need it.

[Anonymousbag83]

This site is highly recommended however its not great at all. Waiting a long time for first reply and even longer for a second. Which still waiting on.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hiya. I know probably sounds like our relationship is volatile because I have called the police several times but id like to clarify its not at all. Ive called them I think 3 times and the last time was atleast 3 years ago and they could see and was made very clear tgier was no violence. We don't even argue much anymore. Tbh the cancer brought us closer together and also made me realise how much he loves me and vise versa. Like I said I suffer mh so always thought and felt I wasn't good enough and if I don't love me how can he or anyone else. But that's no longer the case. If anybody goes by our relationship now then we are a happy loving couple. We been on quite a few holidays together and built wonderful memories.

I didn't quite understand the bit about social services becoming involved so early and weather or not u would suggest we contact them first.

The part about the pictures. It was the mother of his first 2 children's younger sister. Who didn't even understand the servirity of what she was saying and had always had a crush on him and hated his relationship with her older sister. She immediately admitted she lied and was given no further action. So I don't understand how something like that can be a concern or used against him.

The other situation with his step father was years later and nothing todo with him, he lived miles away atm.

I have stopped smoking cannabis. I currently don't have any input into my mh as I finished a course a few years back and no longer feel I need it.

Dear Anonymousbag83

Thank you for your further posts. I am sorry for not being able to respond to you sooner.

I hope your pregnancy is going well. It is good to hear that you are no longer smoking cannabis and you did get some support around your mental health needs in the past.

In relation to some of the issues which you have described you might find our domestic violence materials helpful; also the Parents Protect website has lots of useful information too. This will show children’s services that you are a responsible expectant mother and are informing yourself about these issues.

You are seeking some clarification about my earlier advice in relation to whether you should contact children’s services first. When you posted initially you were only 5 weeks pregnant, which is quite early on. I said that if you and your partner wanted to know what children’s services are thinking, you could inform them at that stage.

Your pregnancy may now be further progressed and you are probably engaging with the midwifery services; you may have already been asked (or are likely to be asked) by the midwife if you or your partner have any children not in your care or who have been removed by children’s services. Your partner’s previous history would need to be shared with the midwife who would want to let children’s services know. For this reason, and as the situation may be causing you some anxiety, it might be a good idea for you to get in touch with children’s services directly to let them know the situation so they can decide on any assessment.

I hope this helps. If you have a further query or would like to discuss your situation with an adviser please do post again or call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366 - the lines are open from 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, Mon to Fri.

With best wishes

Suzie