Pregnant again..please help.

[Midnightbloomer]

I have a 7 year old son who has child arrangment order(he lives with my parents)

I take him to school in the morning, around 3 or 4 times my dad takes him. He comes over 2 nights a week after school, I then give him dinner, do his homework or I'll go to my parents. He has been staying over at my flat for 2 years one night a week(I have lived here 3 years). My parents agreed to this and has stuck ever since, with no issues being made. I take him home sometimes early saturday or late depending on what we are doing.

I was diagnosed with bpd and pstd due to childhood trauma, I have been on/off medication up until 2016/2017. I was put back on to help with anxiety last year but at my request asked for it to be removed due it making me feel not myself and I function better. I have asked for help to over come some things, I saw a psychologist who helped me immensely and I was discharged from CHMT in 2017. I then wanted to finally go back to CBT. The consultant has told me medication will not help me only therapy. I have appointment with the consultant Monday, would like to ask for CBT as I am ready and have been for years but unfortunately it's hard to actaully receive it.

The order was made due to emotional abuse(shouting and screaming at my baby) childrens service got involved and I moved out 4 years ago due how hostile it was. Since then I have my own flat, I drive, emotionally and mentally I'm a different woment, my partner has very stable job(we dont live together).

What will happen now? I am more than happy to do any assessment they want I dont want my baby to be taken away. I am consistent with my first child and look after him unsupervised with no concerns for the last 2 years once a week. Would my previous abuse be grounds for an automatic removal at birth? I have no problems for years for any kind of abuse to my son.

If anyone has any advice, I would be grateful for any.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Midnightbloomer

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s parents discussion board and thank you for your post. I am sorry that we were not able to respond to you sooner.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope that you are keeping well. It is also good to hear that you have such a positive relationship with your 7 year old son and that you seem to be working very positively also with your parents, who have a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) for him.

You have explained about your mental health needs and the work that you have done to help you to manage them, and you are currently hoping to be able to access CBT to help you further. You have also made other significant changes or improvements to your life.

It is understandable that you are feeling worried about children’s services becoming involved when you are pregnant. In particular, you are concerned that your baby might be taken away from you and you ask if the past history would lead to the baby being automatically removed at birth.

There is no automatic removal at birth, in fact a court order cannot be applied for until a baby is born.

In your situation, it may be that children’s services will want to do an assessment (pre-birth) of the situation, to consider the past concerns but also to look at your current circumstances, to determine what is different now and how you (and your partner) would care for the new baby.

Although you say children’s services got involved with your son you don’t say if this was on a child protection basis or if there were ever any care proceedings. Either way the court decided that your son should live with his grandparents under a CAO. If there were care proceedings it would be a good idea to let your previous solicitor know that you are expecting a new baby now and may have further children's services' involvement.

From the information you have provided children's services don’t seem to be currently involved with your son and it seems they were happy for your parents and you to manage the situation safely and well yourselves.

You are happy to cooperate with an assessment; this is a good start. I would suggest that you get in touch with children’s services (or make a referral jointly with your GP or midwife) to let them know about your pregnancy and due date and to establish if they do want to do a pre-birth assessment and if so to get this started.

It is not possible to predict the outcome of an assessment but all of the strengths you have described are relevant as is your diagnosis and past history.

Here is some advice on pre-birth assessments that you may find helpful.

The assessment may include:

• Your understanding of the problems that led to your previous child being removed
• Whether you have been able to overcome the problems that were there before
• What support you can get when the baby is born (in order to help you keep your child safely with you).

In some cases if children’s services are worried that your baby may be at risk, the social worker might arrange a child protection conference with other professionals to discuss this further.

Here are some tips on what to do:


• Stay in regular touch with health professionals to make sure you get the ante-natal care that you and your baby need
• Work with the social worker to make a safe plan for your child for when they are born
• Suggest services that you think would assist you to safely parent your child
• Share with the social worker details of any family members who could help you to care for the baby safely or who could care for the baby after the birth if you’re not able to.

The other thing you could do is find out about local parenting support programmes and mother and baby groups so that you can look to enhance your parenting skills before the baby is born and also know what services will be available after the birth.

The following advice sheets may be useful for you to:
An introductory guide to Children’s Services
Family Group Conferences
Family Support
Child protection procedures .

I hope this is helpful. Please do not hesitate to post again or ring to speak to an adviser on our freephone helpline on 0808 8010366; the line is open on Mon to Fri 9.30 to 3.00 pm.

With best wishes

Suzie

[Midnightbloomer]

Thank you for the reply.

My relationship with my parents improved so much once I had moved out(there was arguments in the house hold so I left). My parents have agreed he would be back with me within 2-3 years. I dont want my son to come back straight away as I want to have him more often to slowly gradually have him more rather than a sudden movement. If children services say he is settled. I would request more over night stays and would agree thats best for him.

I saw the consultant, he said DBT would not be suitable for me as I can control and handle my emotions and thoughts on a day to day basis. I asked if time would help my current diagnosis he said 1 in 4 adults get better with time and I am one of the cases(I was very emotional to here this as I'm a completely different women now). He requested I should reach out to another service which I have booked an appointment for next week and they will book me on courses. E.g coping with a crisis, emotional management. I do feel these would help me further.

He was on a child protection plan and care proceedings. They wanted to do a special guardianship but the social worker and my parents agreed I would be mentally stable one day to regain full custody of my son, so this was not put into place.

I have the midwife also next week and I am going to explain the situation and ask her to make the referral with me. I understand this and accept this as they need to asses me now.

My partner supports me fully and has been very kind, I have huge support from my parents, family and friends.

I previously took my son to council funded baby group for young mothers, I went weekly when my son was 1-3 years old. Once I learnt to drive I took him to church group which was lovely and very supportive. I will be returning once I have the baby as even now I miss it.

Kind regards.