Child Protection order

[RS32]

Hi
I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

Some background: I’m a single parent to two girls, aged 4 and 8. They are home educated. We don’t have contact with their dad. One of my children is autistic. I am a qualified mental health nurse, though haven’t been practising for a few years.

About 5 months ago I met my partner. He is a wonderful person: vegan activist, true gentleman. My previous partners have been abusive and manipulative, but he is the exact opposite. He is calm and chilled and listens to me. He provides amazing emotional support to me. He has met my children and is brilliant with them and they adore him. He is also autistic and honest to a fault, which isn’t always a good thing, but I appreciate it after living with my kids’ father for ten years, who was a manipulative narcissistic sociopath (actually diagnosed). I know a manipulative person when I see one, and my partner is not that! He doesn’t have a manipulative bone in his body.

Anyway, about 2 months after we met he had to confess to me that he is a convicted sex offender. His story is that images were found on his computer hard drive; a computer he maintains he bought from an old friend, who was later charged with sexual offences towards children. He was advised to plead guilty by his solicitor, and chose to do so to avoid a prolonged court case, being in the newspaper, potentially losing his job and his house, going to jail, etc. At the time he was only 26, in a stable relationship with his girlfriend who didn’t want children, and he thought he was doing the best thing. His mum wanted him to fight his case, but he was terrified of risking jail.

Since his conviction he has completed the Horizon program, designed to rehabilitate sex offenders and help them turn their lives around. His probation officer had nothing but praise for him and his cooperation with them and his honesty during meetings in the program. Like I say he’s honest to a fault. I’ve been a bit uncomfortable at times with some of the things he’s told his probation officer about us and our relationship… he just says what pops into his head.

He did not realise he couldn’t have unsupervised contact with children until his probation officer double-checked his particular order 3 months ago and explained it to him. He thought he was ok as long as I was there at all times. Since it was explained to him he has not seen my children, nor have I allowed him to. I was advised social workers would be doing an assessment on my ability to supervise contact, but not to allow contact until then. We have both stuck to this rigidly. It’s been three months and he hasn’t seen my kids once in that time. We’ve barely seen each other… once a fortnight or so for a few hours when my mum or his mum have been able to babysit. It’s been really hard, but we’ve stuck to it.

Anyway, the social worker did her assessment and she advised my children were put under the Child in Need thing as I had worked with her, been honest and open, and stuck to what was agreed. She thought that with a bit of support and work on how to protect my children we could be a family. However her manager over-rode her decision and a few days ago we had the Initial Case Conference.

It was absolutely horrific. I suffer anxiety at the best of times but this was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Having my whole life pulled apart; being questioned on everything little thing. My partner was cross-examined over and over by them, but it didn’t seem to matter what he said, they had made up their minds beforehand. They basically accused me of being stupid and naïve and putting my children at risk by continuing the relationship. I tried to maintain that we had done everything asked of us, but they basically said they had no evidence that we had stuck to what they had asked and accused us of lying. As far as I’m concerned I have never put my children at risk. I’ve continued the relationship, but only very casually and from a distance until the social workers made their decision and recommendations. He hasn’t had any contact with them for three months, and even before that had only met them a handful of times. If the social worker had ever advised me to end the relationship I would have, but she gave me the impression everything would be ok if I cooperated with them.

They also accused of him lying that he is autistic (something that’s obvious to everyone else). He said he had tried to get a diagnosis in the past but his GP had told him he was wasting his time. He had also attempted to do a polygraph test a few days before, on the advice of his probation officer, but stopped the test because he was confused on some of the questions and they weren’t being clear with him… it’s clear to me what they were asking, but again, he is autistic and very black and white and I can see he was clearly confused about what they were asking. The people in the meeting didn’t seem able to understand why he was confused. Again, it was obvious to me, but then I understand autism, having an autistic child. Obviously they don’t!

Anyway, the outcome of the meeting was that my children were placed on the Child Protection Register. They felt he is guilty and manipulating me and that I am vulnerable to being manipulated. I felt like laughing in their faces… I lived with a sociopath for ten years. I can spot manipulation a mile away. My ex-boyfriend tried to manipulate me and I spotted it instantly and held my boundaries constantly. I wouldn’t take any bullshit from him. My partner literally can’t manipulate; he can’t even not tell people things, even when it isn’t helping his case. Sometimes I have to tell him to stop talking. He just says exactly what’s in his head without any thought for the consequences. I think he actually made things worse by being in the meeting cos he doesn’t know when to stop talking or be evasive.

They tried to tell me after the meeting, when I was extremely upset, that it’s not me they’re worried about, it’s him. That there’s no question about my parenting. I felt like saying, YET. Because I know full well what happens when social workers start poking around. Already they were questioning my ability to home educate and why I haven’t made my kids optician appointments, dentist appointments, etc recently.
So for now I’ve ended the relationship. I don’t feel like they’ve left me any choice. I feel like I just need to go into self-preservation mode and do whatever I can to get them out of my life. I have no trust anymore. I feel like the initial social worker gave me false hope that we could ever be a family, because they seem to be saying I was stupid to imagine we could be. I’ve done everything they’ve asked of me and it’s made no difference at all. They have decided he is a huge risk and I am a risk for allowing him to be in our lives. Bu then, will even ending the relationship be enough? Because they’ll probably just accuse us of lying about that too. What am I supposed to do?! I love him and don’t want to end the relationship, and I’ve never seen any evidence at all that he is a risk, but I will do it if I have to. And they’ve made it seem like I have to.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[May12345]

Hi Toaie
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You sound like an intelligent well educated, strong woman who knows what she is doing!

I feel for you both.

It’s hard to know what the best thing is to do regarding your relationship. I’d say if you can get over him and move on do so. If you cannot because you love him so much then work with CS, continue to be open and hope like we do that you are able to reunite again.

It was different for me as my husband had the images and was guilty of having them though he claims not to have seen them all. We had been married 14 year when he was arrested. We had 4 children and I was pregnant with our 5th. They all cry for Daddy to be home.

Focus on your girls and do not feel you don’t have a choice. Point your SW to the London safeguarding guidelines specifically for when and adult has been viewing iioc if you like as that shows the offender does no lt always need to leave home.

Hugs Xx

[Nicenana]

Hi may, is it possible to have a pm or a chat. My situation a little different to yours. I’m looking for someone who has had to work with social services but in my case it was a family member and I’m worried about social services when they come out from prison. The person in my family who’s in prison does not have kids and does not live with kids but there is a child in the family so I wanted to have a chat about possible social services involvement.

[May12345]

Hi Nicenana

Of course you can pm me, we’ve been dealing with SS for almost two years for a non custodial sentence. Unfortunately I’ve had practice with them

[RS32]

Thank you May. Sorry to hear you're in a similar position.

[Nicenana]

Thank you may. I’ll do it now

[PerfectlySafeDad]

RS32, your case is absolutely appalling and a violation of human rights in so many ways. Firstly, there's the shocking possibility your partner has been intimidated into an outright false confession by the sheer menacing weight of the Great Witch Hunt. Then is the unprovable 'risk' your partner poses (ie he probably doesn't, but the mere theoretical possibility of it is justification for severe life -changing measures by the SS). Then it's the cynical disregard shown by the SS towards the state-approved rehabilitation program - Horizon, this was brought in 2 years ago as a much-vaunted and enlightened improvement on the past programs. Then there's the exploitation, quite frankly, and bigotry towards your partner's autism. This enables them to twist, lie and bully even more than normal. Is there any evidence he has ever harmed any child he's been in contact with? No. Have his actual offences been addressed by due process of law? Yes.
Britain's social services are a disgrace, run by box-ticking, back-covering cowards and imbeciles, puffing their arrogance up by a dangerous quasi-religious pride in being 'child protectors'. They're child harmers as often as not. Amnesty International needs to look at them, because so many who suffer at their hands have no means, will or acumen to fight back.

[worriedmumtoo]

Hi.
it sounds like you have had a rough time , I also have been character- assassinated by incompetent SW's for a decade (they have been classed as inadequate by OFSTED They are also very vindictive and have even stooped to making up lies (autism with my older son, using another families' data and apparently it says on my file I have had MH problem for 17 years (which is news to my doctor). They have always closed all 6 cases without any action as they ultimately have no evidence of their "suspicions" The referrals are mostly from anonymous sources and even the one from an ambulance worker wasn't substantiated.
If you want to pm me I can give you more detailed advice, or just listen as someone who has been through the mill, like you I have knowledge from a professional standpoint ( I used to work in CS in another city) its seems to make them more determined to get you, it seems to me they hate to be questioned at all and believe their word is god.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Rs32,

Welcome to the Parents Board and thank you for posting. I am sorry for the delay in responding to your post.

I can see how stressful things have been since you have been involved with your new partner. Now there are child protection plans in respect of your 2 girls.
Here is information about child protection which links off to a film and our advice sheet.

I can see that you had cooperated with the professionals (probation and with the social worker) and the assessing social worker had decided that you had been so cooperative that there should be a child in need plan and not a child protection plan.
But the team manager who manages the social worker came to a different decision-as sometimes happens as she is more senior.
In her view, she wanted a child protection investigation. A strategy discussion was held with the police and probably another professional such as the health visitor or probation. It was all these professionals who then decided that your girls were at risk of suffering significant harm so decided to call a child protection conference.

The conference sounded very uncomfortable for you. Your partner being at the conference would have made it more difficult for you. As he is considered to be risky to your children, there was an opportunity to question him which showed he was dishonest on a number of matters. Also new information (about your partner) came to light during a conference (This is a forum to share information). Although it gives the professionals the chance to hear your view about the new information, it can also be very difficult for parents because they have not had chance to consider the new information-because it wasn’t in the social worker report.
I am sorry you had to experience such a difficult conference. Were you offered an advocate or the chance to get legal advice before?

Your daughter’s are now on a child protection plan. This means the professionals decided that they suspected your daughters has suffered significant harm or were at risk of suffering significant harm. The plan will be reviewed within 12 weeks.

The child protection plans set out how your girls will be protected-by monitoring you and your daughters as well as providing support.
They are compulsory plans, in that if you did not work to them, children services may decide to escalate things towards court proceedings.
So it is important that you understand what you have to do under the plans.
If you do not understand, please speak to social worker or even another professional such as the health visitor.

You say both that you have ended the relationship and are maintaining the relationship but at a distance. Which is it? You need to be honest with yourself and the social worker. If you lied to the social worker, and she found out, there will be questions over whether you can in fact protect your children.
If you do resume the relationship, it is very important you let the social worker know. If you remain in contact with him via telephone or other means be honest with the social worker about this too. Whether you are with him or not may relevant to the type of support you might get.

You say you have never seen any evidence at all that he is a risk. But the fact your exe has convictions for sex offences against children means he is a risk to them until he is assessed otherwise. Did he produce any risk assessment for the conference?

Children services starting point is the criminal offence (balance of proof is beyond reasonable doubt). They will not even consider that he could be innocent. They are likely to see him as being manipulative and may expect that you have been groomed by him and are therefore in denial about him being risky. They will be worried that your daughters have been groomed as well. You could ask about self protection support for your girls.

You say how honest your partner is but, in my view, there is evidence in your post that he may have been dishonest with you and that he appears to have groomed you. If that is the case, then you may struggle to see him as potentially dangerous and so may struggle to be protective of your children.

He said he is autistic but in fact he has not got a diagnosis-that doesn't seem truthful.
He failed to disclose to you that he was on the sex offenders register. That was being dishonest.
He tells you he is innocent. If that is the case, why did he plead guilty?
He then completes a course to reduce his risk to children. But to be accepted on a course there would have to be a level of acceptance of guilt before he would be accepted and in fact could benefit from such a course.

You have not known him very long-only 5 months, yet you have allowed him to come into a child protection conference which concerns him being a danger to your children.

I hope that you do not think I am just repeating what has been said by the professionals but I am highlighting things that do stand out in your post.

I strongly advice you to talk to the Just stop it now helpline on 0808 1000 900.

To get advice about child sexual abuse and how to protect your daughters against it, please see the NSPPC course for mothers and also look at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation courses.

If you have any questions, please post back. You could also call our free and confidential advice line to talk through what has been happening with an adviser on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[ConsUK]

Hi Toaie
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You sound like an intelligent well educated, strong woman who knows what she is doing!

I feel for you both.

It’s hard to know what the best thing is to do regarding your relationship. I’d say if you can get over him and move on do so. If you cannot because you love him so much then work with CS, continue to be open and hope like we do that you are able to reunite again.

It was different for me as my husband had the images and was guilty of having them though he claims not to have seen them all. We had been married 14 year when he was arrested. We had 4 children and I was pregnant with our 5th. They all cry for Daddy to be home.

Focus on your girls and do not feel you don’t have a choice. Point your SW to the London safeguarding guidelines specifically for when and adult has been viewing iioc if you like as that shows the offender does no lt always need to leave home.

Hugs Xx

Hi , as well I would like to pm you maybe you can help me with some advice. Thank you