Feel Like I have lost my three Grand-children forever.

[7familyCare3]

This is a new topic although you will see that I have posted previously but not for some time. The back story of my grand-children is that they have been away from their mother for almost 20 months now. There are two older children and a younger who will be 7 in May. When they left their mother they were put with my eldest daughter (unmarried and no children) I told the social worker that the plan would not work and begged to have them and although I was assessed and then appealed after they did not pass the first assessment during that time eldest daughter told S.W. that the children were too much for her as there was too much interference form the children's mother. From my daughters actions the children were housed with strangers rather than family. The final court case was finished last April 2023 and the two eldest stayed with the foster people they had been put with and the younger one went to another lady. So it was told to us that the plan for the younger one would be for adoption. (Heart-breaking). This brings me to my next questions once the case finished my contact to the two oldest ones was cut to four times a year, last year for the remaining of the year I was lucky and saw them three times up until Christmas and have not seen them since. I managed to get through to someone today and was told she was doing the new rota and a visit would get arranged for April in the school holidays. I cannot live with the pain of this and every few days I am in tears. I was lucky to see them last year but once again was upset as they told me they were in the process of moving and had a new house (same foster carer) They are now in a new borough, I phoned the S.W. telling her it was her duty to disclose the information to family about that move she said she had been on leave and anyway as I now knew no harm done, they are still under the same social work team. I also told the S.W that one of the girls had lost a lot of weight and did not look well and was told she is growing up and girls always lose weight as they grow and that I am too involved with things. I am tired of the way these S.W. deal with things I want to get my grand-daughters to live with me I have the bedroom for them even though they are in the foster care with that woman can I apply to the court to try and get them. They have been moved about and I don't even know if they have changed schools to where they have moved to. It is horrendous and now I will not even get to see them on their birthday which is in March. I know they will be forgetting me and they are missed so much any advice so much appreciated. I will add more about this and my grand-son tomorrow as it is so long. Thank-you.

[7familyCare3]

This is to follow on from my previous post i hope it is okay as I am new to using computers and just try to do things correctly. This part of my posting is about my grandson who will be seven this year. After the end of my daughters court case last year he was put forward for an adoption. He went to the adopters last Mid August 2023. It was fairly busy and it was not until October 2023 that Adoption S.W. was in contact and talked of doing a Life story book for him and were there any photographs available. I had a meeting with the S.W. and gave photographs and had a chat. In November S.W. called and returned the photographs she told me that my grand-son was settling in with the family and she talked of letterbox contact and also said the adopters were keen to meet me. I did not hear anymore and then the S.W. sent me an e-mail which had an attachment in this was a few paragraphs from the adopters saying they were getting to know my grand-son and they were busy doing lots of fun things with him which he enjoyed. The S.W. said a meeting would possibly be some time this year. In all honesty I am not totally bothered to meet them as I am still a bit emotional that he is gone and find it hard to deal with. As myself and daughter have heard nothing from the Adoption team I emailed them last week to ask when the adopters would put the adoption certificate into court to make the adoption legal and binding. The adoption team emailed me back saying that adopters do not always rush to court to do this as they are generally busy parenting. I would like to know is there any set time that adopters have before they need to go to court? surely there are time frames in place and regulations to be followed. My daughter has heard nothing and all the S.W. says is that she will get back to her. We think about him every day he is missed but social services have gone completely quiet now and have said nothing. any advice would be appreciated.

[Robin D]

I am so sorry you have had to endure losing contact with your grandchildren. I did read your first post earlier, but to be honest, I struggled to formulate a response.

To answer your last question first, having been through the adoption process with four children, I can tell you that it sometimes takes years and is not generally driven by the adopters. I cannot be categoric about the dates all these years later, but one child was placed with us in 1974, and the adoption did not finalise until 1979/80. The girls came to us late in 1982, and the adoption completed in 1988. There are all manner of reasons for these delays, but certainly in our cases, they were not caused by anything we did, or did not do. There are now targets for getting children into permanent placements, but tidying up the legal process can often take a long time. On placements by local authorities, it used to be that the Adoption Panel had approve the application before the application can be made to the court. This may have changed, and @Suzie may be along to provide more up to date information. .

If I can be so bold as to offer advice on the contact issue, I would strongly recommend you take anything that is offered however painful it may be to you. I say this for a number of reasons:
1. The children will at some point have questions about their past. It might be that you can answer most of those for them more accurately and with love, something often missing from the records provided by social workers. Of the years the social worker who knew the family will have moved on. Official records are cold, inaccurate and unforgiving in our experience. If you can put the long-term welfare of those children at the centre of your decision making, and can personally deal with the emotional ride, having any lines of contact open are going to help the children, and indeed the adoptive parents.
2. I believe any contact will also help you. I cannot imagine what you have been through emotionally, but have spent a lot of time over the years with other grandparents who grandchildren have been adopted. Those taht have any form of contact seem to be more at peace with themselves than those where the children simply disappear into thin air. You may want to look at one or more of the support groups such as https://bristolgrandparentssupportgroup ... hildren-2/.
3. If some form of contact is maintained, even if letter-box, please keep copies of everything you send. As a late teen/adult the child may well come looking. Having hard evidence that you continued to care is very important to them. They often wonder why they were adopted, and ask did no-one else love me? I know of one grandma who sadly passed away before the child started the search for their birth family. There had been no contact since the child had been removed. However she had left a large album of photos, writings etc with her family. It included a card for each birthday and Christmas as well as memories that would never have been written in the official record. I don't know the end to that story apart from knowing that it was the amongst the most treasured possessions for the young adult concerned as it was concrete proof that they had not been forgotten. I cannot imaging years later that it's any less valued.

I am really sorry that I can't be of more help and support. I have only experienced things from the other side. Having sympathy and empathy for others we know who have been through similar to your situation doesn't really give me a good basis to help much. I can't really tell from a position of strength that my advice above if my advice is valid or not. I do hope it is a crumb of comfort and help though. Please look after yourselves. Sending you virtual hugs.

Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear 7familyCare3

Thank you for posting again and I will respond to your two posts together in this response.

Your grandchildren have been placed in long term foster care and one has been placed with prospective adopters. You are finding it difficult to come to terms with the final court decision for your grandchildren and state that you are heart broken which is of course understandable when children are not able to remain within their family network.

You mention that you had been assessed and challenged a negative assessment. It is not clear if you went on to have a positive assessment and, if so, why you would not have been considered the fall-back position when the children’s aunt decided she could no longer care for the children because of the mother’s behaviour.
Having said that, the court decided the case and would have considered the welfare of the children’s long-term care and how their best interests would be served. Unfortunately, this often does not coincide with the views of the immediate or wider family. I can understand how difficult it is for you to be without your grandchildren.

I see you have had responses from another poster although from the perspective of an adopter.

You have not stated the ages of the older children but say you are concerned they will forget you. I think it unlikely this will happen as they have the memory of being with you and you are still able to have contact. Regarding your wish to have your granddaughters living with you, if you were ruled out during the care case in court, it is unlikely children’s services will agree to this. However, if you were able to address whatever the concerns were when you had the negative assessment, there may be a possibility you can ask to be assessed. The children are now settled with their foster carer so any move would have to be considered the best thing for them, so they are not further disrupted.

I understand it is hard for you, but it may help if you consider the impact on the children of moving from one carer to another even if it is a family member. Contact with your granddaughters might be increased but only if it is in their interests to do. Children’s services are unlikely to agree if they believe it would undermine the girls’ placement. Difficult as it might be, try not to be too emotional when you see them or when dealing with their social worker. Here is information from our website about children’s services duties when a child is in care under a court order.

Regarding your grandson who has been placed with prospective adopters, you want to know if there is a time limit for them to apply for an adoption order. The position is that after the child has been placed the prospective adopters cannot apply for an adoption order before 10 weeks. There is nothing to say when they must apply.

Please read information from our website relating to adoption HERE.

From your post, it appears that the prospective adopters are willing to provide letterbox contact to keep you and other family members updated about your grandson. The prospective adopters wish to meet you but you do not want to do so, that is your decision, but it may help your grandson for the prospective adopters to know the family, and could possibly lead to them deciding that contact may happen in the future. Not all prospective adopters meet the birth family or agree to letterbox contact.

It is important for you to understand that once an adoption order is made there is no longer any legal ties with the birth family. The parent or parents no longer have parental have parental responsibility for the child.

There are organisations the offer support to family members when a child is to be adopted and you may find it helpful to engage with one of the agencies listed in this LINK on our website. Children’s services should also provide support to parents and family affected by adoption.

I hope you will find this information helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie