Fed up of being the bad guy

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Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 8:06 pm

Fed up of being the bad guy

Post by Ember58 » Wed Feb 17, 2021 9:14 am

Looking for a bit of guidance. I parenting my grandson (5). I've always looked after him as my daughter was living with me when he was born (for context, I adopted her when she was 7). She was young and didn't cope and Children's services got involved and demanded I get a Child Arrangement Order to stop her removing grandson if she moved out. Fast forward 5 years. DD lives with her younger child down the road. Younger child has spent time in care and has just come off a CIN plan for the umpteenth time. Grandson has spent increasing amounts of time with mum including over night stays several times a week. He says he wants to live with her BUT mum is very volatile, not physically abusive but very verbally aggressive (less so with the children but runs her mouth off with them too regularly). She has a very volatile relationship with younger ones dad who is on and off the scene. Police have been called numerous times over the years and he was finally convicted of assaulting dd back in July. He shouldn't be in her house but of course he is. To be fair to him, it is generally 6 of one and half a dozen of the other not typical man on woman domestic abuse. I have said grandson can only be at daughter's house if partner is not there but of course she lies and grandson often is. So this week I have rung children's services for advice and have also papers to the court for a prohibitive steps order banning mum and partner being alone with grandson without me present. Clearly this has not been met with daughter's approval. Grandson has been at mums house for a week and she says he won't be coming home until Sunday. Grandson does not want to come home and she says she wants him back living with her permanently. What do I do - let him hang out there until Sunday or force the issue (with the police if necessary) and bring him home sooner? He has school on Monday as I am a teacher, he goes to school on a key worker place. She lets him stay up until the middle of the night and he sleeps in until 10.30 ish so I need to get his sleeping routine back on track before Monday. I'm pretty sure partner is not around at the moment but I can never be certain.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:25 am

Re: Fed up of being the bad guy

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Mar 18, 2021 10:48 am

Dear Ember58

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s family and friends carers’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie, and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am very sorry to hear of the difficulties you are experiencing and that there has been a delay in responding to you.

The urgent situation you described in your post was about a month ago so I guess the situation will have moved on by now and that hopefully your grandson has been safely returned to your care.

However, it sounds as if there are ongoing concerns about the arrangements. I think the prohibited steps order is a good idea – to stop your daughter withholding your grandson if need be. From what you say, there are serious worries about your grandson’s welfare when he is staying with his mother – in terms of potential emotional abuse due to his mother’s verbal aggression but also if her partner (who has been convicted of domestic violence against her) is present. You have already tried to put in place restrictions around this which your daughter does not seem to be complying with. As you have the CAO, then you have the right to make decisions to protect your grandson but in the long term this should be agreed, via mediation or the court making or varying a court order.

As there is a younger child living at home with their mother who has had considerable social work involvement – CIN plan and has been in foster care – it is good that you have made them aware of the situation, particularly the potential risk of domestic violence. They are right that you have parental responsibility and can make decisions to keep your grandson safe. But they could offer you support if needed (as your grandson is in kinship care) and they do need to be satisfied that his sibling is safe and well cared for too.

Perhaps you would like to do an updating post if the situation is still unresolved? Or if you prefer to speak to an adviser you can call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.

In the meantime, you can contact Child Law Advice or Rights of Women if you need legal advice about the prohibited steps order or the CAO.

With best wishes


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