Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

hi all
can u give me advice again please, our gc birth mother has not had contact for over a year , now she wants to come back we are very concerned about our gc cause she is not relable and will not stick to contact.
we have a sgo but do not no were we stand , i cant belive that she could want to cause more upset to this poor child.[:(]

We have had a residence order for ten years now.
Contact with birth mother has been on and off for most of that time.
She came back in June this year after no contact for eighteen months.
She has ss on her side and they have been telling us the child has rights to see her mother.
As the child has emotional problems we bear the brunt of the anger after these visits.
To make matters worse ss have now told us the mother wants more access and longer hours and they are closing the case as " their resourses would be better spent elsewhere"
Now we face another costly court battle which I dont think we can win.
We feel like saying to mother if you want to spend more time with her you will have to take her for good.
We cannot take any more of the rubish mother and child throw at us we see ourselves as unpaid baby sitters as mother only wants the good time with the child she does not want the daily battles about homwork and bed time ect.

Contact can cause many problems as we have found out over the years. One thing though is that a Residence Order is different to a Special Guardianship Order. Where both can have Contact Orders made by the court with SGOs you the Guardian can exercise parental responsibility to the exclusion of all others. Aspects of the SGO can be taken back to court by the parents but they have to get 'Leave of Court' to do it. With a Residence Order you share parental responsibility with the birth parents and they have more say and can go back to court much more easily. This is why we went for SGOs.

Having said that we believe that the children do have a right to have contact with their parents if it is safe and no-one should take that right away from them. Can you imagine what it would be like if after all of the effort that we put in to the bringing up of these children that when they become eighteen years of age and are able to meet up with their parents these much loved children of ours hear a different version of events and then turn against us? Surely it has to be better however hard for us is to try and foster a relationship between the parents and the children whilst they are young.

Yes we have had upsets from our children after contact visits but it must be very hard and unsettling for the children to see their own parents in this way because it is not natural. However,if it is done sensitively a relationship can be encouraged where your grandchildren, nephews or nieces will in years to come respect you and make up their own minds.

LLB, I agree, as hard as it is we blame our selves for what these children go through during contact, the affects on the children are devestating at times.

Can I ask,does any onre know, when children are adopted, are they affected when they reach 16 the same as a looked after child, assuming that the looked after child has had the trauma of contact with their parents and the adopted child has not.

The reason I ask is that mother has seen my grandchildren twice, shes not seen them since February, the court orderd she has no contact, she can have letterbox but only if she goes to SS and initiates this, this was the judges ruling. Mother stated in court she wishes to have nothing to do with them as she has a new life and a new son.

Im wondering how this will affect the children, knowing their mother did not want them


(((H U G S )))

If only S.S. and parents realised how piling on the stress makes things more difficult for the carers and in turn impacts on the children.
I have had an R.O. for two years and there is no contact order.Every now and then Mum reappears demanding contact (CAFCAS have recommended a contact cantre ,which she won't arrange)making threats,sending Sol letters from a new Sol who knows nothing of the case,making malicious complaints (S.S. words not mine) so I get visited by the Police.Childs bedroom invaded etc.and all because mum wants to cause trouble.I will not give in to her demands.But boy I sympathise with anyone who has to put up with these dysfunctional,selfish excuses for parents.It's a shame they are too selfish to realise the damage they do to these children.
It must be very difficult for a teenager to deal with it.God knows it is difficult being a teenager, and even just parenting a teenager under normal circumstances...without the added problem of the erratic parents.How typical of S.S. to close the case and pull out leaving us untrained,unpaid and unvalued carers to deal with it all!
I am feeling particurlarly angry and intolerant tonight because I am having to deal with a pathetic mum who doesn't deserve the title. Mum
Sorry for the ramble but all of us on here understand how you feel.I hope things settle down soon ...stay strong xx
Winni

win

The problems of contact are extremely difficult but even so I have found it easier with social services off the scene because I believe that social services can make a difficult situation worse.

These parents are dysfunctional but they are still the children's parents and if one does not attempt to build on these dysfunctional relationships right from the start then it could all turn against us and cause more problems in the end when the children become teenagers.

I have even heard of adopted children going back to their birth parents because they felt that they did not fit into their adoptive family and felt that something was missing.

I should also imagine that those children whose parents have had no contact under ROs and SGOs will often want to find their parents and ask the question "Why?"

There are no magic answers but I do believe that however pathetic these birth parents are we just have to accept them, being non judgemental and trying to minimise the damage simply because they are the children's parents regardless. If we criticise these children's parents and the children are aware of it they will end up with split loyalties.

It is hard and believe me I do know

mother tried to suffocate my granddaughter and harm my unborn grandson, my granddaughter now suffers seizures. How can I make a relationship with the children and their mother,when she has done this, especially when in statements to court she wants no contact.

In my situation I cannot, I cannot let my granchildren be confused, I cannot lie to them, but what I will do is when they are old enough only then will they see the court file. I do not want to give them false hope, at the same time I cannot lie to them.

I would love more than any thing that things were different.I am left with making the decission, but whatever the decission, it was right at the time. Its very difficult for us all, will we be hated for forcing the children to have contact? will we be hated for not allowing it? SWe can only do what is right for each individual case, hard as it is, we are the ones left making the decission.

(((H U G S )))

Yes we have all been there Bonnie and I do understand. This is why the children are living with us to keep them safe. Relationships can develop over time however.

Many years ago we had to overcome similar obstacles but I kept my options open and my mind open despite the hurt that we suffered and doing this always leaves the door open.

I don't feel that it is necessary to show my grandchildren all of the gruesome details of what their parents said, did or thought in any of the court paperwork and psychological testing of their parents unless they find out about its existence as adults and want to see it. It would only undermine what we have achieved. People do change and it is not up to me to undermine that change.

I have never lied to my grandchildren but there are some things that do not need to be stressed to them which were said or done in the emotions of that time. There are ways to put even the worse things that the children need to know without harming any possible relationship with their parents in years to come.

The children will grow up and we do our best in each circumstance and there will undoubtedly come a time when the children will see their parents alone without us when they come of age. This will be when they will hear another side of the story from their parents and other relatives if we don't try and work towards a more positive relationship.

No-one wants to force children to do things that they don't want but they will pick up on our feelings if we are not careful so hard as though it may be for us we just have to forget about ourselves.

LLB I agree with what your saying, all options open. I am finding it difficult at the moment as mum refuses to acknowledge them, some may say lucky me when they have constant problems with their childrens mother. I know what it feels like to want your mother to love and want you, mine never did, I always prayed that my real mother would come to find me, I realised when this didnt happen that she was my real mother. I am on the other side of the coin this time, I went for my grandchildren, I gave them the love and the safety they desperately needed, but im concerned they will grow up feeling as I did. Of course all I will say is their mother was young and could not cope....then what? she went and found some one else 3 in total from when I had my granddaughter, she fell pregnant when my grandson was 3 months old, how is this justifying she could not cope?
When they become of age and ask to see it, I have to look at my self, I cannot lie to them to find out I was lying. I can play it down, I hope they can have a relationship later on with their mother, hopefully she will have changed and will want the same.

There are so many different situations but we all are left with the stress of it all.



(((H U G S )))

Believe me Bonnie I do know what it feels like to desperately want your own Mother's love. Fortunately before my Mother died, after striving for many years and hurting throughout my life when love was not returned and hurtful things were done and said, I managed to gain some of my Mother's love so I do know that, however late, it is possible to build relationships. I never stopped loving my own Mother and through out my life remained 'open' to her and in 'leaving the door open' I was fortunate. If I had got angry and bitter this would never have happened because I would have put up the barriers.

I also had a similar experience with one of my sibblings and they eventually came back.

Then I had the experience of my grandchildren's mother and she is coming back together with her husband so it can be resolved. My grandchildren are benefiting from this as we are. From what was a really desperate situation all those years ago is developing positive relationships.

There has been so much heartache on my way through life but I do know from my own experiences that this does work. Never 'burn bridges' even when the situation seems impossible and unbearable. You cannot tell what the future will hold. Just hold on there.