Advice please

[desperado999]

Hi my grandson is 8 years old and I’ve had him since 5 months old, he’s in p3 and struggles really hard, he even struggles with the p1 work, so my opinion is that this is the reason why he kicks off at school, just wanders from class to class not doing any work and doesn’t sit for more than 5 minutes, his dad (my son) has ADHD and i didn’t want my grandson going down the same road, anyway the kinship lot have sent me a letter saying further things need looked into to see if i can continue to care for him, he is well cared for lives in a nice home and has more than other kids, to be fair I’m not a one who rolls over and agrees to anything I disagree with but what reason would they have to not let me care for him, i can’t lose him

[Robin D]

Hello @desperado999 and welcome here.

I have been in exactly the same position as you albeit 20+ years ago. No doubt he behaves OK at home, but is a nightmare at school, and they are telling you that it's never like that, and that you are concealing the really difficult behaviour at home? It's an absolute nonsense and shows that the school especially, cannot or will not see outside there own paradigm (belief system). As soon as you get a good child psychiatrist involved (more difficult than it sounds), then you will realise that what you are seeing is probably the more common situation. I appreciate you do not want the ADHD diagnosis, but that of course takes many forms. If the father has a diagnosis, I regret, while I do not believe it yet to be proven, there are strong indicators that it may be hereditary. We also now know that severe disruptions of care in the very early months of life are likely to have led to attachment issues.

The other thing of note is that the fact that he is not coping with the schoolwork is not an indicator of poor intelligence. It's just that the teaching method or style is insufficiently engaging. One of the things that proved it to us was to take the child to the theatre. Pre show, difficult behaviour. As soon as the houselights go down, and assuming you have no irritating person in front, than total engagement (and enthrallment)! Lights up for the interval, and people start moving about and it's 20 minutes of difficult behaviour until they go down again. (we used to walk about with him and look at posters etc while eating ice cream). Repeat for act 2. Note that TV and cinema appeared not to work the same, nor did a show that was 'in the round'!

We also found holidays a nightmare as it took a week to settle into a new environment. We unintentionally solved that when we bought a motorhome. After only a few trips, life became much easier as 'home went with us'!

By now your grandson will be anti anything he might consider 'school work'. We ended up him part time in school and home educating with a County funded tutor in two morning a week and taking a very relaxed way of learning. If he was jittery at home, he went out for a walk, or even a ride out somewhere, and my wife would have him reading signs, posters, noticing changes in growth, flowers etc since the last time. Even trips to NT properties, train rides somewhere, all give opportunities to learn and reinforce those key skills. It was important that there were a few regular places and that new ones or walking routes were introduced gradually. Money is a good way of learning simple arithmetic as it is real and tangible. Weighing out things for cooking and reading a recipe are other examples. The child learnt to read, and do simple arithmetic at home, but was then better able to deal with school albeit with 1:1 support. We had an excellent head teacher at his second primary (He was excluded from the first) who was very ready to work with us to find a way through. You have to get him past those essential milestones as he is now just falling further and further behind his peers, and feels constantly rejected by the 'system'. Frustration sets in and it becomes a downward spiral of behaviour, or as may be the case with your grandson, self isolation by walking around.

When he was in school, we found that lunchtime was a particular issue as his 1:1 'prop' was missing, so my wife would collect him and deliver him back into the care of the 1:1 after lunch. If his 1:1 was missing it was a disaster. Many schools read 1:1 as just having an adult, but it's vital it is someone he can build trust with, have clear boundaries from, and who is seen to 'care'. That means at most two people, not choose one from 12. SATS were another stress pont and my wife spent a significant amount of time in the school 'there, but not there'. Transition to senior school will be an issue as they move from basically one classroom, one teacher for all lessons to different teachers and different rooms for every lesson and it just overwhelms them.

We too were threatened by the SW in having the child removed, but the involvement of the CAHMS psychiatrist put a stop to that as being a further and more significant 'attachment' break, and therefore, in his opinion, going to cause severe emotional harm to the child. We were already in court as Mum was demanding he return to her after almost five years. and although difficult, the court, and particularly the judge, leaned on Children's Services to maintain the status quo.

I am sorry to tell you that you have a long and difficult road ahead that at times seems never ending, but you need to keep the welfare of the child at the centre of your thinking. For what it's worth, our's was 29 last Sunday and I was round there for lunch and he and his partner expecting first child in April. He still has difficulties in life but will ask for and accept advice as well as happy to help me now I am well in my 70's when anything heavy needs doing.

Good luck, you are going to need it ... Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear desperado999

Welcome to the kinship carers’ forum. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. Please accept my apologies for the delay in responding to you. Another kinship carer did reply promptly though offering support, advice and understanding about the challenges you are facing and your commitment to caring for your grandson.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having. I know that it must be quite stressful for you and your family.

You explain that you have cared for your 8-year-old grandson since he was a baby. I wonder if you have a Special Guardianship Order (SGO) for your grandson or perhaps a Child Arrangements Order (CAO), both of which give you parental responsibility (PR) for him. It would be helpful to clarify this as it may impact on the advice given.

You also mention that the kinship team have contacted you with concerns which makes me wonder if you have PR or are caring for your grandson under a different legal arrangement that may apply in a different part of the UK to England.

Your grandson is struggling a lot at school and may have some unmet needs. His father has ADHD. It sounds as if there is no clear explanation or diagnosis for your grandson’s needs, but you understand that he is finding school and schoolwork hard.

You say that he is in P3 at school. I wonder if you and your grandson live in Scotland as I know that the education system there uses that terminology. It would be helpful to clarify this as unfortunately Family Rights Group are only funded and qualified to provide advice to families in England as the law and child welfare practice in Scotland and the other countries in the UK are different. If you and your grandson do not live in England and therefore are not involved with an English children’s services department then there are other services who will be better able to provide you with the specialist advice and support you need. You can find their details by scrolling down our useful links page to the relevant area here.

If I have misunderstood, then please do let me know.

I hope that the general advice below will be helpful to you. If you are in England we can provide further specific advice:

• Ask the social worker to explain clearly to you what they are worried about and why and make sure that they also listen to your assessment of the situation and what you think would help. They should work in partnership with you to help you continue to care for your grandson and to make sure that he and you get any help that you need. You have clearly cared for and protected him for almost all his life, and it is important that they recognise and work with that.
• Ask the social worker to confirm (in writing) the legal basis for their current involvement and under what process they are planning to ‘look into things further.’
• Ask them also to explain what they mean by ‘seeing if you can continue to care for him.’ This is why it is important to know what your grandson’s legal status is i.e. under which legal order or framework you are caring for him.
• Be willing to accept support and services that may help and continue to seek advice (as you are doing).
• Consider accessiong education and special needs advice and support – there are several charities who provide this advice which you will find under useful links (linked to earlier).
• Consider involving your wider family/friends/community support – this could be via a family group conference (FGC) .

I hope that this helps.

Please do contact the advice service again for further more tailored advice if you are in England by posting back or using one of the options linked to here.

Best wishes

Suzie