My child has to move out for me to be kinship foster carer for my grandchild

[Nana81]

My son and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 17. They all lived with us through the pregnancy and till our grandson was 7 months old. Their relationship broke down ans mum and grandson moved to mum and baby unit. She wasn't coping and sadly made a suicide attempt after about 8 weeks. Our grandson has since lived with his dad (our son) and us for the last 8 months.

My grandson is on a CP plan due to domestic violence between the parents and mums mental health. They have started a PLO. My son recognises he is unable to care for his son alone and wants us to be SGO. Social services are assessing us and want us to be kinship foster carers and then SGO, if mum is unable to make the necessary changes.

Now they have suddenly said that for us to be kinship foster carers our son may have to move out. There are no issues at all of him being a danger to our grandson. Mum has made some allegations of drug use and he's agreed to a drug test which we are waiting on. Social worker has said if anything shows up on that test then he won't be able to live with us, but even if its clear then it might still be an issue.

Is it right that they can say he has to move out? He's only 18, is neurodiverse and we adopted him. I can't believe they can be this cruel to make us choose between the two of them when we've all been living together perfectly well that last 8 months and all the reports say our grandson is thriving.

[Robin D]

Hello @Nana81 and welcome here. My apologies that I or no-one lese has responded to your message.

@Suzie, one of the FGR advisors will respond when workloads allow. I am just an ex carer with a interest in this area.

I think the key word used 'may' have to move out. I understand that. At present they probably have little idea of the family dynamics when the parents were together, and it's likely that they will have received several versions of the same story. Were they to find that the domestic violence was primarily started by your son (I am not saying that is true, but at this stage they don't know, and sadly, whatever your own thought's, most parents will automatically support their own children), then they would be absolutely right to put the protection of the children first and foremost. They have to proceed with an abundance of caution. So say for instance the mum has claimed that the reason for the suicide attempt was his controlling behaviour, violence and threats, however you look at it, they have to take that seriously, and, if he were in the house, the children could be at risk 'behind your back'.

I can't suggest you do more but say to the social worker that you understand their concern, but will ensure that one of you, or you husband is always present when your son is there. Also is there anyway you could partially segregate the house so he has limited access to the areas where the children are. I suggest you talk that through with your son before you say anything to anyone else. You can point out that you believe him, and trust him, but ask him why the social worker should. Seek his views on how to mitigate any perceived risk.

If it helps, years ago (coming up to 30) one of our long term foster daughters came to stay with us with our baby grandson after a terrible fight. The father took the matter to court making also sorts of allegation about her care of the child, none of which we believed, but had to take at face value. We resolved it by me making a written declaration to the court, that the two of them would stay with us, but that she could leave at any point, but not with child, and that I would call the police should she attempt to. It was to give the authorities time to properly review the evidence and complete a report to the court. That of course showed that he had a history of lying controlling behaviour and had made false allegations to the court. Our 'grandson' then lived with his mum until he went off to university at 18 and they remain close now even though he is working abroad.

The father went on to have another child with a new partner following which there was almost a repeat performance, and that child ultimately stayed with the mum. Father is a nasty piece of work but 'charming'.

Good luck. It's not going to be easy, but working with the authorities, accepting the concerns but making sensible proposals might mean, that the word 'may' never becomes 'must'.