Problems with contact

[GA2020]

I have had the SGO for my grandson since Feb 2023. The BM has become more and more difficult when it comes to arranging contact. There is a contact order as part of the SGO that is once a month supervised for 3 hours. She has only made one contact in that time, but every month it has been arguments about anything I say, and abusive messages. It is really affecting me, I have never suffered from anxiety before and even all the way through the court proceedings (it took almost 3 years) I didn't experience anxiety like I have now. Since Social services have dropped away she has just become a nightmare. I really don't feel able to supervise, I do not feel safe and I am worried about what she could do in front of my grandson. What are my options?

[Robin D]

I suggest you go back to SS and tell them that you supervising contact is not working because of Mum's behaviours. Will they assist with a contact centre? They have a duty to support the placement.

Some of this, including the amount of contact taken up, is quite normal immediately following the final hearing. Eventually, some of the sting goes out of it for the birth parent, and they sometimes become much more pleasant but it can take a while. Having contact in a centre is often easier for both parties, although not necessarily the child, but is better than contact collapsing completely, which will store up problems for the child in the future.

Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I have had the SGO for my grandson since Feb 2023. The BM has become more and more difficult when it comes to arranging contact. There is a contact order as part of the SGO that is once a month supervised for 3 hours. She has only made one contact in that time, but every month it has been arguments about anything I say, and abusive messages. It is really affecting me, I have never suffered from anxiety before and even all the way through the court proceedings (it took almost 3 years) I didn't experience anxiety like I have now. Since Social services have dropped away she has just become a nightmare. I really don't feel able to supervise, I do not feel safe and I am worried about what she could do in front of my grandson. What are my options?

Dear GA2020,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are finding managing contact between your grandson and his mother so difficult. I can see that Robin D has offered some useful advice already and I hope that the following is also helpful.

As Robin D suggested it would be a good idea for you to contact children’s services to let them know the difficulties around contact and how this is impacting upon you. The SGO team should be able to offer some support to you, and it is possible that a contact centre could be used. They could also offer some mediation sessions between the mother and yourself to try and improve your relationship. As Robin D explained, it is likely that your grandson’s mother is finding this a very difficult time and is coming to terms with the fact that the SGO has been granted. However if you are feeling unsafe and are worried about what your grandson might witness, then it is very important that you seek some support and are clear about these worries with children’s services. We have more information about how children’s services can help with contact arrangements on page 3 of our advice sheet 2e) Practical and Financial Support for Special Guardians which I would suggest you read.

As Robin D has also said, it is important that every effort is made by everyone involved for contact to continue (in a safe and positive way) so that your grandson has the opportunity to maintain a relationship with his mother. If contact is not maintained then this is likely to be difficult for your grandson in the longer term.

You may find it helpful to get support from other kinship carers who live locally. We have a search function on our website HERE – you can put in your postcode and the details of groups local to you will be made available. These groups offer the chance for kinship carers to get together, meet new people in similar situations and support each other.

I hope that this is of some help. If you have any further questions please feel free to post again, or you can call our confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat service available several afternoons a week.

Best wishes,
Suzie