How many?

[winni]

I have residency of my step sons daughter.The mother had her first child and he went to live with the maternal g/m.My g/d has contact with her brother and all her maternal relations (except mum)The mother has had two more children and is now expecting her 5th.The third child is in the process of being adopted the fourth is in care.The S.W. has been in touch and asked if I would allow contact between my little one and the third child.I presume they will ask the same question when the fourth and fifth come up for adoption.I know I should take one step at a time.But I am so confused as to what would be in my little ones best interests.I don't want her to be overwhelmed ,but I really want to make the right decisions.I have S.W. coming tomorrow to talk things through.Does anyone have any advice or views? Thanks
worried winnie

win

[Robin D]

Hi Winni.

If the door can be kept open as the children grow, that would be great. The child in your care will want to know how her half siblings are as she grows up so it's clearly in her interests to maintain contact if it is positive and hassle free.

However, whatever the social worker might say, and indeed what the adoptive parents might be saying now, once the adoption order is made, you may find that contact is curtailed by the new parents. It's important for your child to have some form of link, so make sure you get plenty of photo's etc of the child that is to be adopted just in case. It's also worth offering the social worker photo's and any other personal things and thoughts to be offered to the adoptive parents to help their child as they mature.

As for your child being overwhelmed, I suspect any contact will be infrequent and may only be 'letterbox', certainly initially as they will want to give the new family every chance to settle to their new lives together. There's nothing to stop you 'slowing things down' if your girl becomes unsettled by it.

Happy New Year to you.

Best wishes ...... Robin





Grandparent carer in Suffolk [:)]

[winni]

Thank you Robin.As always you make perfect sense.I hadn't thought about the adoptive parents curtailing it.I suppose nthey may well do.It is only approx twice yearly.At least myself and maternal g/m are talking it over as I think its better if we take the same stance.I hate to think of the little one not knowing her family,even though it is only my little one he is related to.
Happy new year to you too Robin

win

[Kate]

Hi Winni

I confess we've done nothing about any contact, however limited, between g/d and her half-sisters on her father's side. We know of three but I'd be surprised if there aren't more siblings, given the information we have on her father. G/d is the lucky one in that he never had any interest in her - he was interested in the others and not safe around children so wasn't supposed to have contact with them, but he had it anyway. As a result g/d's half-sister who is only a couple of months younger than g/d was not regarded as safe with her mother, who didn't protect her from contact with her father, and she's been with her father's brother and partner since babyhood. I believe they now have an SGO and they don't have anything to do with the father.

All this came to light as SS were about to close the case on our g/d, because I asked if they could find out any background information on the father at the final CP review. I spoke to this little girl's social worker as a result - he was so much better than g/d's who was impossibly vague and the info I got was well worthwhile.

We felt g/d and we had enough on our plates back then without adding in contact with the father's side of the family. She was only about 18 months at the time. She's nearly 6 now but has some learning difficulties (I found out her father is severely LD and these difficulties are rife across one side of his family) Probably because of this she's never asked any questions.

As an adoptive parent I know how important it is for children to know where they come from, and if they do have siblings, but we also know g/d's understanding is still quite limited. She's better off not knowing the truth about her father for a long time to come, so it's hard to imagine opening the door to contact, however limited, with anyone on his side of the family, at the moment.

I'd be interested to know if anyone else here has decided not to pursue any contact and what the reasons are.

[winni]

Yes I would be interested too Kate.Interestingly enough my little one said last that she wondered if our dog would like to see her brothers and sisters (dog is 2yrs old and little one was with us when we picked her from the litter)I seized the opportunity and asked her
if she thought the dog would and why.She said yes she thought she would like to see them as they were family.it seems she may well have unwittingly answered my question.I can't help thinking though,that these kids have been through enough and we do strive to bring some normality to thier lives.It is difficult making these sort of decisions and maybe we think too much.At the end of the day,I am a great believer in going with the gut feeling.Sometimes we just like to gain others views to make a balanced choice.

win

[old bear]

hi winni,
also others' views can give us strength to do what we wanted to in the first place. how is it going?
i think there are at least two right answers to this, and you will keep your ears and eyes peeled to help you choose the one for you.
my first thought was "no" ~ why confuse issues and add to complications? but it could also be that letterbox contact would help to avoid the trauma of not knowing, and keep open the possibility of meetings and friendship when the children are all older (adults?) ~ when an extra friend in a harsh world could be good for your little one.
i agree entirely with robin ~ contact if it is positive and hassle free.
good luck.
old bear

[Muspark]

To be honest I have found that the adoptive parents of the other siblings do not really want contact with J due to him living with "family". I suppose they think I may be an inlet to Mum (though I have not seen from her for 10 years, she never even came to court).

Plus as J has 14 siblings in total with Mum and Dad combined it is just way too much.

On the Maternal side I leave it to the new parents and hopefully they will respond to the request for letterbox contact at some stage. J's elder brother is still to traumatised to be told his Mother has had two more children since he was removed and he is still in Foster Care... this is the one that breaks my heart.