Husband downloading child images

[PerfectlySafeDad]

Seadog, it actually IS different on a screen. Every offender varies, but there are very common threads in this. The screen takes away a sense of reality, and has an awful power to awaken primeval deviant thoughts that would otherwise barely if ever have surfaced. It nurtures the opportunity for sexual obsession, and unfortunately most men are wired up sexually, and susceptible for this to cross the bounds of decency. Most of us, I am positive, never started out desiring children (I know I didn't) but it creeps in when the Pandora's box of the internet is opened. Step by step, desensitization happens making the man need a 'stronger' (meaning dirtier) fix. The internet itself is a dangerous novelty to the older generation of men, I think these offences will be much less common with people brought up in the internet age because they understand better the reality of it, it's part of normal life to them and they're raised to understand it's pitfalls and impact on lives.
Even after a long time being hooked on such vileness, most men would never contemplate any action towards a child physically (or even inappropriate talk to one) because in the physical world there is empathy for a living soul. The internet broke down this inbuilt empathy and sense of shame.
Yes, you have the discomfort of knowing your husband had these 'thoughts' about naked children and the uncertainty over whether he has them still and if he'll always have them. You'll have to decide whether you can bear that. At the end of the day, thoughts are just thoughts, and we'd all have a criminal record of one kind or another if we were judged on them. Most safeguarding authorities seem to assume it's 'always' and that it's incurable. IMO that is b-----x. It's like a dimmer switch; it got turned on, and it can be reversed and turned to zero again. A lot depends on personal shame and, like giving up smoking or something, whether the person actually 'wants' to get well. I firmly believe it can be that simple (but the witch hunt demonizes it). Love and forgiveness goes a long way too. But as I said, no offender is exactly the same. It comes down to the offences being addressed, and individual factors behind it.
Also, there is hope of reconstruction, if you want it. Read the section about Returning to one's own family after Offence in the link below, it does not sound all bad.
http://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/ ... -services/
I hope my little essay helps somebody. Your personal attitude is one thing, the attitude and power of the local authority is another, but all I would say is please at least resist brainwashing by them.
It seems to me, judging from your earlier posts Seadog, that they've ground you down (and I don't blame you, the stresses are awful). All of them - SS, NSPCC, they work in tandem - yes they have a job to do, and many children need protecting, but they do it with zealotry, narrow-mindedness and no trust or compassion in their hearts.

[Seadog01274]

Even after your explanation I don’t think I can accept that what he looks at on that screen has no effect on his every day life. I don’t believe he has or ever would look at my daughter like that but it’s a risk I am not willing to take anymore. He hasn’t made any effort with finding himself help. He tells me he hasn’t looked at any porn since the police came. I can’t believe that after doing this almost every single day for 15 years he’s been able to just stop. Or he would of stopped when he met me. When we moved in together. When we got married. But he didn’t. And he’s not rebuilding any trust with me. He doesn’t take on the responsibility of what he has done to my family. Or to my daughter and myself. He doesn’t have to attend meetings every 2 weeks and be scrutinised in the way I have. And all he ever does is say “sorry” over text messages. I do believe he has a mental illness. But he also has a conscience and he has the ability to make choices for himself. He has the ability to confront what he’s done and do everything in his power to try make things right which he hasn’t done. I believe part of me has been worn down by SS. But another part of me has realised that if we stay together this is how our lives will be forever. I did not sign up for this. 2 weeks after we got married all this came out, how can someone who claims to love me be so selfish, knowing this was going to come out at some point? I’m now tied into a mortgage for 2 years with him. He picks and chooses when he sends me any money to help keep this house. He doesn’t take on any responsibility for anything. And I am stronger, and I deserve better.

[May12345]

PSD I will continue fighting this all the way
Seadog I’m happy for you that you have made your decision it should make things a lot easier for you. I know the CS would love me to say those words. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I am not giving up on a future together. Though the circumstances are different. I think either way our decision takes courage but I stand firm that We should have a choice and unfortunately I don’t always choose the easiest option. I just hope we get where we want to be in the end as this has gone on long enough for our children and ourselves.

[PerfectlySafeDad]

Everybody is different. It's not just about the offences, it's about the relationship as a separate thing from that too. The offender has to address it, and be seen to address it, but also painful questions have to be asked about the relationship. Things can't possibly have been perfect in it in the first place, if a man goes off on such a path.
My wife (now ex) insists she forgives the offences, and my probation is going well, but she felt divorce was the only way to go because we had drifted so far apart. I now know she was right; I was discontent, otherwise I'd have had no inclination to go on the internet. A bloody awful response to being 'discontented', I know (there were other factors, and every offender has a different background). Even if we attempted reconciliation, it would be fraught with difficulty because of social services (inevitably) and SHPO conditions that impinge on friends of my children, even we got past being allowed to function freely in the house. Even if we got past all that stuff on a legal level, other parents and neighbours etc might be awkward about me being around. Too difficult.
However, for some it can be done, and what I utterly resent is social services opposing it by default. If people believe in reconciliation, if remorse and forgiveness are present, they should be treated with respect and supported. Most of these offences are completely rehabilitateable, often did not impinge on own children in the least in any case, and the authorities are savages to take such a zero trust stance. We should have moved beyond witches and pariahs in the 21st century.
Best of luck, May.

[Sosad]

Hello, I’m new on here and had to write after reading all the above posts because I’m going through a nightmare.
I am an older woman aged 56 with 2 grown up children who no longer live at home. I brought up my kids as a single parent. Five years ago I met my soulmate. We had a fantastic time and my friends, family and work colleagues absolutely loved him. Last year we got engaged and I finally thought I was getting the future I’d only dreamed of. I sold my house and 8 weeks ago we pooled our money and bought a home together. I also took early retirement from my job and planned my wedding which was supposed to be in 10 weeks time. My future was supposed to be so happy with lots of holidays and financial security.
All this was ripped away from me 3 weeks ago when the police knocked on the door at 7 am and arrested my partner for downloading and uploading indecent photos and videos. When he returned home he said that he hadn’t done it and that they won’t find anything on his phone etc. The police have told me that they have intelligence that says he has done this and that even if his phone is clear he has done it but they can’t prove it. I was told that without the evidence from his phone he wouldn’t be charged even though they have the intelligence! I have a grand daughter and social care rang my daughter to inform her. This whole thing has devastated me. Ive lost the man I love, given up my job, sold my house, cancelled my wedding and had my secure happy future ripped away from me. My children are absolutely furious and don’t understand that I miss him and the future we were on the brink of sharing together. They say he is a vile, evil monster and my son has spoken to a solicitor who has said that sharing images is more serious than downloading.
I am absolutely distraught . I’ve left our home and living out of suitcases. I am disgusted by what he’s done and know that I can never be with him again but I can’t bring myself to hate him . I just wish it would all go away. 3 weeks ago I had everything… a new home, early retirement and a wedding in a few weeks. Now I’ve lost it all. I’ve got great friends and fabulous children but they all think I should hate him and right now I just can’t

[Starwars90]

Thanks everyone for contribution in this thread.

It is some weight off my mind to hear that not alone through this and not going mad although feel close to it because of despicable treatment by CS