Contact for abusive ex

[Me3232]

Hello all,
Please could I have some advice on what you think may happen in my situation.
My daughter is 19 months old. When I was 7 months pregnant I found out my ex was cheating and that he had ex wives and children I didn't know about. He now has 6 children by 4 different women.
I moved out to my Mum's spare room and when I had my daughter I went back home briefly. However, my ex became violent and grabbed me by the throat strangling me whilst I was holding my Daughter who was only 2 weeks old. Neighbour's rang the police as they saw me running down the street in the middle of the night bare foot with my daughter.
I went back to my Mum's to stay. He would constantly message me saying I was taking his daughter away from him. I did give in and would do the hour and half car journey back home for him to see her. Each time I took her back he would completely ignore her despite hounding me about not seeing her. Often when I would walk through the door he would leave, it felt like it was a controlling thing so he knew where I was. I would stay over but keep furniture infront of the bedroom door where myself and my daughter would stay. (Crazy that I did that now but he manipulated me into thinking I was preventing them having a relationship).
He would often make comments to me and tell me to leave her to cry and that I shouldn't pander to her, she was weeks old!
When she was weeks old I had to return to work as I had, had to move jobs closer to my Mum's and didn't receive more than the statutory maternity pay. One day I let him 'look after' her, he was texting me all day telling me how awful she was and wouldn't stop crying. I left work early, as I walked through the door he was upstairs and she was crying downstairs. He came marxhing downstairs and out of the door. I fear he has been neglecting her needs all day, he never looked after her again.
I took her back to visit around Christmas time and he was squaring up to me, backed me into a room and when I went to call the police he snapped my phone in half. I ran to the neighbours and rang the police and he was arrested but I was told it would be difficult to charge him with anything as the phone was in his name.
A Clare’s Law revealed that he had a history of violence towards other partners and that his ex wife had rang the police on him whilst we were together when he was going to see their children.
Fast forward 19 months, he continues to try to contact me. I have changed my number and email address but the past week he has been emailing me again telling me that I am stopping him seeing my daughter. Social services told me not to let him see her without visitation centre. They emailed him and tried to call him multiple times to arrange this but he wouldn't go through social services to see her.
He does not provide any financial support to me for my daughter.
He is now threatening to take my to court to gain access to her. Where is he likely to stand with this?
How is it fair that I have done everything for her since she was born with no help and I have financially supported her and he might be able to get access to her.
He was living in our 4 bed house which I had to pay half the mortgage on as he threatened to stop paying it if I didn't, whilst my daughter and I had to stay in my mum's spare room which is tiny as I didn't have enough money to pay rent anywhere.
As he has been violent/aggressive towards his ex wife when picking the kids up, I really don't want that being my life. I work hard as a nurse and my days off are precious, I don't want to have to spend them at a visitation centre.
Where am I likely to stand with this? Any information would be appreciated.
Me

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Me3232,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

Your daughter is 19 months old. When she was 7 months old, you found out that your ex partner had been unfaithful and that he had ex-wives and children that you did not know about. Once your daughter was born, your ex became violence and the police were called. You moved back home to your mother's house, however, your ex would message you about seeing your daughter. You took him to see her and he exhibited controlling and abusive behaviour which frightened you. As you had to return to work you let him look after her and you believe from his behaviour that he had neglected her all day. You took her to visit at Christmas time, when he was violent. You called the police and he snapped your phone in half. He was arrested but you were told it would be difficult for him to be charged as the phone was in his name. A Clare's Law request has also shown that he has a history of violence towards other partners. He is now still trying to contact you and saying that you are not allowing you to see your daughter. Children's services have said that he should only have contact within a contact centre. Your ex has refused to do this. He is now threatening to take you to court for contact. You feel that he has not been a good father and would like to know where you stand with this.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear your situation - you have suffered domestic abuse and have taken brave steps to keep you and your daughter safe.

You do not mention whether children's services are still involved or have ever been involved. If they are not, I would consider making a referral to them. A social worker may do a children and families assessment to identify any support needs you and your daughter may have, given the abuse and trauma you have gone through. You may want to discuss this with your health visitor too, who can signpost you to local services.

You say your ex-partner is still harassing you. If you would like to, there are legal steps you can take to stop him contacting you. Please see here for more information on this.

You may also find it useful to take a look at our FAQs for mothers who have experienced domestic abuse which covers questions on contact. See here

You can contact the Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support. They can also put you in touch with local domestic abuse services.

With regards to your ex threatening to take you to court. If he makes an application for a child arrangements order, the judge will look at the case and will decide what kind of contact would be in the best interests of your child, if any. As you have been a victim of domestic abuse, you can access legal aid to respond to any court applications. Take a look here for more information on this. For more support and advice in responding to court applications, you can call Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.