Can my wife deny me access to our children if a child in need plan is being recommended

[Silverado]

Hi,

Social services have recently been involved due to shouting in the house which is contributed to by my lack of patience due to stress at work and the stress of parenting a child with Autism. Despite not shouting for 2 months and undertaking help from the NHS, my wife is pursuing separation citing trauma caused by arguments and claims the children feel on edge even though Social services don’t see this in the children but are recommending a child in need plan recognising we all need support. My wife has since taken my children away from me since April 1st and was going to grant me 24hrs access at the end of this week. When I questioned if this was fair given I wouldn’t have seen them for the best part of two weeks, she has revoked access and denying me access until the child in need plan is issued which will be at the end of the month. Can she do this given nobody views me as a danger to the children?

[Ignatious]

Dear Silverado,

Firstly, Welcome to FRG.
And I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I see you have posted twice and I chose to respond to this one. (I have read the other).

I once parented a child with Autism (Severe with a multitude of other additional ailments), and I know only too well the toll that it takes on a parent, especial without proper support from the Local Authority.

In your posts, you hint at a Child in Need plan. I would say this is good. Ask for a copy of the plan,.. in fact ask for and keep copies of everything moving forward. I would also ask for a Parent Carers Needs Assessment (Governed by Children Act 1989 Section 17ZD)

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/19 ... ction/17ZD
A link to the legislation above.

You said your wife. I'm going to assume your gender pronoun is he/him/male. The more relevant question is are you on your child's birth certificate? Do you have parental responsibility? This will have a significant effect on everything moving forwards depending on whether you do, or you don't.

I'm also going to assume your not in the court arena yet. Good luck, and I hope things don't get that far.

As for can she do this. Yes, and no. And I know that does not help. You BOTH have rights and responsibilities. First and foremost to your child(ren) (Not sure if you have more as you yourself used the word children implying multiple). Whatever your personal issues are,... you both need to sort those out for child's sake. It seems you are attempting to address your shortcomings, seeking help from the NHS etc. Well done. I know you may not want to hear this, but maybe the break is a good thing. Take the time out, reset.

I said yes and no. As parents, you have a duty to keep your children safe. It appears your wife might be appearing to do that. I'm going to assume your currently not living together. She has a duty to promote contact with a separated parent.

At the moment, you both have a medium, in the Local Authority (Children's services),. Try and use those as mediators to bridge what is best for your child(ren).

Good luck, and as a father myself. Good luck.

Ignatious

[Silverado]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I’m on both my children’s birth certificate.

I hear what you are saying about the rest which is welcome, but it also feels like a punishment as I have been left to think things over on my own in the house. This has resulted in poor sleep and no desire to eat as I’m too stressed so it doesn’t feel like any rest. I miss my children and it feels like my wife is unfairly calling the shots before it’s really got legal. She says she is acting in the interest of the children whom she hasn’t told yet that they are not coming home, but it feels as if she only has her interests at heart as she doesn’t want to let go of the comfort of having our children around her. I should also point out that she has taken their passports but as social services pointed out, this more so highlights her want to be control of the situation then wanting to actually take the children out of the country

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Silverado

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s adviser.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your family are currently going through. I understand that you are missing your children very much. You are also confused and upset about the situation.

You have posted on a couple of different threads but I will respond to all 3 of your posts here for completeness.

You have explained that children’s services became involved due to concerns about the impact on the children of shouting at home. You describe how you have been under stress at work and that parenting a child with autism can be demanding. You have taken steps to address this by refraining from shouting at home for 2 months. You have also engaged with some therapeutic support from the NHS. This shows that you have taken the concerns on board and have been making changes to improve the situation.

However, your wife has decided, at least for now, to separate from you and has taken the children with her. You have not seen them for a couple of weeks which is distressing for you. Your wife has also said that she will not allow you to see the children until the child in need plan is agreed. She has also spoken of the possibility of going to a refuge which she says is one of children’s services recommendations. You are querying this.

If your wife feels that she is experiencing domestic abuse e.g. aggression or shouting by you at home then she can seek refuge accommodation. Children’s services may have suggested this could be an option if she believes it is necessary. That does not mean they have necessarily recommended it. If your wife feels she or the children are at risk in the situation then she would be expected to make protective decisions to prevent harm (this can be emotional harm) to the children.

The best way for you to seek clarity about children’s services views and recommendations is to speak to the children’s social worker. We cannot comment on your wife’s thinking or decision making. You are aware that the outcome of children’s services assessment is that there should be a child in need plan in place to offer support to the children and wider family support as needed. As one of your children has autism they may already be seen as a child in need due to their disability. Another parent has suggested that you could seek a parent carer’s assessment; you can find out more about how to do so and what this involves here.

I would suggest that you contact the social worker directly to ask for a copy of the assessment and their current recommendations. You can check if they are able to liaise with your wife in any way about contact. It sounds as if there is a timescale for the child in need plan to be finalised at the end of the month so you can enquire about this and ask what they should suggest happens in the meantime. You are entitled to a copy of the child in need plan when it is finalised. Children’s services do not have parental responsibility for your children, you and your wife do, so they can make recommendations but decisions are made by your wife and you.

As another parent has already commented, you and your wife are not currently making arrangements via the family court and may be able to avoid this process. So do try to work with children’s services to agree a plan of support to help your family.

But if you would like some private law legal advice about contact with your children then you can get this from Child Law Advice’s family line. And Advice Now have very useful downloadable guides to family law matters.

I can see that this whole situation is taking its toll on you emotionally and affecting your sleep and appetite. You can discuss this with your GP if that would be helpful to you. I will also include some links below to listening, emotional support and parenting support services which may be useful to know about:

• Shout Text 85258
• CALM
• Samaritans: Tel 116 123
• Family Lives
• Family Action Family Line

I hope this is helpful to you.

Please call our freephone advice line if you would like to talk through your situation with an adviser. Lines are open from 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, Mon to Fri (except bank holidays) on 0808 8010366. Or post back if you have any further queries or updates.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Silverado]

Thanks Suzie as this is very comprehensive. I will contact the social worker but in all honesty I am not sue if social services are feeding a different version of events to me and my wife and telling us what we want to hear as my wife is adamant social services have clearly identified distress in the children and is therefore continuing to use this as leverage to deny me proper access to my children. From what I have been told by Social services, they recognise that the children don’t like shouting but equally they don’t feel on edge or unsafe in my company and if anything they miss having their father around. Now I recognise my wife could be playing a game here in her capacity of “having a duty of care” for them and the need to go to a safe house / refuge plays into the unsafe environment at home and in turn forces me out of the family home whilst also ensuring I provide her with financial support. But I just find the whole thing stinks as I have seen my children on average for about 45 mins a week these past couple of weeks and that’s outside of taking them to sporting activities where the only time we get together is in the car. At the end of my tether with the whole sorry situation
It’s also worth highlighting that although I recognise that I shout, my wife fails to highlight her shortfalls in this department. Whereas I lose control in the heat of the moment of certain things that come out of my mouth, my wife is also guilty of making cutting comments and also in front of the children. She talks about a duty of care, but doesn’t take this on board when her exercise regime is impacted nor does she realise this duty of care when constantly messaging her friends on her phone - something that has been picked up on by the children during their assessments with social services. I don’t want this to come across as mud slinging on my part, but I’m sick and tired of being portrayed as the bad element here when my wife is not blameless. I can’t help but feel that my wife has fallen into a group of friends all of whom have had dysfunctional marriages and are feeding her bad advice. My wife too has her own mental challenges and is vulnerable which has been played upon here. However nobody has taken into consideration what impact this is having on our children