domestic abuse

[saturn20071]

Hello, my child has been on the child protection register since July last year because of domestic abuse towards me from the father. The father has made no attempt to get contact through social services, I don’t see him nor contact him. He lives in a different area to us and hasn’t come near us once since the last time we saw him. I feel like I’m being treated like the bad one having to deal with all these services and I find it unfair. I could understand completely if he was coming to our house, making threats or being dangerous towards us but he hasn’t been involved once since all this. It’s bringing me down emotionally and nothing I say to them seems to help. I’m really wondering how much longer can this all go on? And what I can do? Social services say they’ve got nothing against me and I’m not the problem, but my support worker is saying when I get my own accommodation I will need intense support and supervision which I feel is untrue and my social worker hasn’t mentioned that. Whenever I try speak up for myself I don’t feel like I get taken notice of or I get spoken over and my words being finished for me. There’s also been malicious reports that he’s been near us which is untrue and I’ve said that numerous times. They say they don’t need evidence just “reasonable doubt” I don’t see how thats right? It’s making me anxious knowing there could be more malicious reports and they’ll be believed. I don’t know what I can do.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear saturn20071

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I am sorry that I was not able to respond to your post sooner.

I am very sorry to hear that you experienced domestic abuse from your child’s father. This led to a child protection plan being put in place for your child.

You have described how you are the parent who is having to manage the situation and liaise with children’s services and the core group professionals whereas your child’s father is not involved even though the concerns are about him. I can understand how frustrating this is. You feel that your views are not listened to. Again, I can see how unhelpful this is. As your child’s mother, you are their main carer and have parental responsibility for them so your views are very important and should be heard.

There also seems to be some discrepancy between your support worker’s assessment of what your support needs will be when you get rehoused and your view; your social worker has not discussed this with you.

You state that your child’s father has not been in contact since children’s services became involved. From what you say, children’s services have received referrals alleging that he has which you strongly dispute. Again, this puts you in a difficult situation as children’s services may believe that he still poses a current risk.

You don’t say if your support worker is a domestic violence support worker or from another service due to any additional needs you or your child may have. I think that you should ask them to clarify what intensive support they think you will need when you get rehoused and why you would need supervision.

Have you considered, perhaps with the help of a domestic violence advocate, if you can seek any legal protection e.g. a non- molestation order, or press any criminal charges against your ex-partner to keep you and your child safe and also to satisfy children’s services’ concerns?

I am not sure if the reports about your ex-partner, which you say are malicious, were made anonymously. If so, it can be very hard to disprove. In that situation all you can do is to continue to take responsibility for yourself and your child and not allow or respond to any contact attempts should your ex-partner try to get in touch.

If you think someone has intentionally made false reports about your family you can contact the police. If the police accept that the person who made the report is harassing you they may decide to investigate.

Children’s services work on the ‘balance of probabilities’ which may be what the social worker was referring to.

If you think that you would benefit from an advocate to assist you at child protection meetings and if you have any disabilities or additional needs you may want to use our template letter (1) which you can find here to request an advocate.

We have some tips for social workers working with families around domestic abuse . You may want to read them and if you think it would be helpful you could share them with the social worker. You say that your child’s father has not been in touch with children’s services to try to arrange to see your child. They should be doing some work with him to let him know the concerns they hold about his behaviour and how it affects your child’s safety and welfare and what he can do to address them. As you say, it feels unfair and that you are treated as the bad parent when you are not the problem, the concerns are about your ex-partner’s behaviour.

It is understandable that the process and responding to reports etc makes you feel anxious. There are some services that you can contact for parenting and emotional support if you need it. They include Family Action’s Family Line and Family Lives.

Perhaps you would like to discuss your situation with an adviser at Family Rights Group. If so, you can call the freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm (except bank holidays). If you prefer you can post a further query on this board or contact us by advice enquiry form or webchat.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie