What do I even do?

[BrokenMom09]

This is a long one (sorry)
In 2021 my second eldest daughter made an allegation of SA against my husband (her step dad) she left the family home to live with her Dad as I didn't believe her. In Jan 22 all charges were NFAd and he returned to the family address. Everything went back to normal and we brought a caravan went on trips etc as a family ( 4 other children)
My eldest has a relationship in X which was long distance. She wanted to go to see her for her birthday but she had her gcse exams and hadn't been doing her chores (she was 16 at the time) so we said no. My husband noticed I was letting her get away with everything she said she wasn't going to college she would be my carer etc. Anyway she went to school and never came home. We panicked went looking for her and it turned out she had been with the police after making an allegation on her step dad a year after my 2nd eldest had. She went to live with her Dad but said she wanted to come home. My husband was removed from the family home again. Since then my 3rd eldest has gone to her dad's and they removed my 2 youngest away and they've gone in care as they said I breached bail conditions and shouldn't have been supervising (later evidence was found that they did indeed know I was supervising). Roll on 18 months and further allegations against myself for physical chastisement (which I'm still on bail for) they found findings on myself and my husband. We both have never been charged and they still are investigating. They said I didn't protect and was selfish which in hindsight i see. I've been told if I leave my husband ill get them back but I've also been told I won't especially if charged. Does anyone have any advice? If I stay with my husband and its nfa will I get them back? If j leave him but get charged will I get them back? If I don't get charged will I get them back? Everyone keeps saying I need to accept the findings but I find it hard when I know I haven't hit them and it's only the youngest and oldest staying it. I keep messing up swapping and changing my mind and I don't know what to do for the best. They've said our parenting is perfect and so is our contact. It's now gone to fortnightly for me from twice a week. What is the right thing to do, what do I do?
Thank you

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear BrokenMom09

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult family situation.

You have explained in some detail the circumstances which have led to your younger two children being placed in foster care, under an interim care order. The concerns relate to allegations of child sexual abuse made by two of your children against your husband, allegations of physical chastisement against you and that you were not able to protect your children.

You are currently on bail as part of a police investigation. Your husband is also still subject to a police investigation. There has been a fact finding hearing in the family court where findings were made about both you and your husband. When findings have been made they will be accepted by all the professionals involved with your family. This may be why everyone is saying to accept the findings but you are not able to do so.

I can see that you are in a dilemma and are wanting advice on what to do based on different scenarios about whether you or your husband are charged or not and whether you remain in a relationship with your husband or not. You are feeling very confused by this. It seems that you have been given different advice by different people which may be adding to your confusion.

Unfortunately, I cannot predict what the outcome of the care proceedings will be or speculate on different possibilities.

However, you may find it helpful to look at how decisions are made in the family court. As you can see, the children’s welfare will be the court’s paramount decision. As part of the welfare checklist the court will look at your ability to meet your children’s needs. One factor for you to consider is that in the past you have been criticised for not putting the children first. You have received positive feedback about your parenting and your contact with the children. It is important to focus on making informed child-focused decisions.

The best person to advise you about what the likely outcome at court may be is your solicitor. I would recommend that you ask for an appointment with them to help you prepare for the final hearing.

You can find a summary of how to prepare here. You may also find these tips on working with a solicitor helpful too.

I hope that this helps.

If you would like to discuss your situation with an adviser please call our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm (expect bank holidays). Or you can post again on this board if you have a query about children’s services.

Best wishes

Suzie

[BrokenMom09]

Hi

Sorry about delay. There is no final hearing. Its been decided there and then that they would remain in foster care.
They have said a further allegation has been made against me. So I haven't seen them for 5 weeks also they've decided it will once a month from then on. I just want them back , I cry everyday, I just don't know what to do. My solicitor is no longer interested unless I accept findings. My social worker hates me she said as a mom she was disgusted in me.
I wish I had done things differently from the start but now it's to late and I don't know what to do.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear BrokenMama,

Thank you for your reply.

You say there has been no final hearing and that it was decided at the time of the fact-finding that your children would remain in foster care. From this, I am assuming that a final care order has been made. Since then, a further allegation has been made against you and you have not had contact for 5 weeks and that contact will be once a month from now on. You say your solicitor is no longer interesting. You say you wish you had done things differently and do not know what to do.

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

In relation to contact, the local authority has a duty to allow reasonable contact between you and your children. This must always be safe and in the children's best interests. They will need permission from the court if they want to suspend contact in the long-term. For now, it seems that contact has been set at once per month. If you are not happy with this, I would encourage you to speak to the social worker and to the independent reviewing officer (IRO) who may be able to outline what steps need to be taken before contact can be increased. This will also depend on your children's views. If you are unhappy with this, you could make a formal complaint. Please see here for how to do this.

It appears that the plan is for your children to be in foster care. Of course, the local authority should continue to include you in decisions about their care and you of course remain their parent. If you would like to work towards being reunified with your children, you will need to get a better understanding of what steps and support you have to engage with to address some of the concerns. This is because if you would like to apply to discharge the care order at some point in the future, you will need to show the court that you have made significant changes.

You may find it useful to contact Mothers Apart From Their Children (MATCH) for more support and guidance at what is a really difficult time by calling 0800 689 4104. Please do ask for support in real-life, and speak to your GP if you think you need help with your mental health.

I wish you all the best.

Best wishes,

Suzie.