Adopters have stopped my letterbox contact after 3 years.

[NBLF]

Hi,

I am in need of some guidance as I honestly have no idea where to go from here.

I have been dealing with the system for over 10 years now and they still continue, one way or another, to trigger me into depression and a state of anxiety.

Back in 2017, my daughter, at the age of 1 years old, was adopted. I knew from quite early on in my pregnancy that keeping her from the system was going to be hard, but what myself and my partner were faced with, what we went through to fight for her, was nothing more than pure mental torture.

In 2013 my two middle children were removed from my care due to domestic violence inflicted by their father on myself and also my drinking. Ten years of an abusive relationship, physically and mentally,I lived a life of fear, not only from him but also of Social Services. My alcoholism spiraled out of control and looking back the removal of my children was not only the right thing to happen, but this also gave me the chance to get the help I so desperately needed. I fought so hard for rehab and was accepted, the best experience of my life. Graduating after 8 months sobriety with all the dreams and expectations that finally my children would be coming home.

Two days before I was due to go home, social services notified me that they had found adoptive parents for my children... I was devastated.

Unable to cope and sent home to an empty flat I went back out there, my alcoholism stronger than ever before.

It was during his time I found out I was expecting L. From the first day she was born they were on me. They were going for removal of my child in the Court. We did everything they asked of us, everything that was Court ordered. I was forced onto medication I did not want to take because I was 'too emotional' they said. Sent to a Unit miles away from home where we were monitored with cameras day and night. Alcohol tag for 3 months and assessed by doctors and Psychiatrists who did nothing but leave me in a state of distress. The Unit lied and tried to discredit me on many occasions, tried to turn me and my partner against one an other, using my daughter as the prize.

When I was sent home for two weeks alone due to being confrontational and emotional, they ordered a hair strand test on my return. They claimed the results showed I had been drinking the two weeks I was away. I DID NOT DRINK!!!... They removed L from our care.

How I don't know, desperation, my rock bottom, I got sober by myself back in 2020 and am proud to say I have now been clean and sober for 3 years. L's father also now 2 years.

I accepted leterbox contact with the Adopters as Im stronger in myself now, and have sent a card once a year for three years.

I send a handmade card, hand written and sent with love... But I don't believe we are he kind of birth parents the Adopters want for L.
Our card is always on time. We wont send baby photo's or items from L's birth and every year they reject L's dad from signing him name due to 'not being the right time' I will request this again and again if need be.

I come to you now for support and advice as yesterday I was informed that the Adopters have declined to send a letter this year.
They claim this is because L has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

I'm not in denial I assure you, I just don't believe them. L was tested at birth and this syndrome was not found. I have never had to think about this since but I am sure these tests were Court ordered and necessary at the time due to my past.

Their letters have always stated how happy she is, active, enjoys horse riding, trampolining and loves to run, doing great in school and makes friends easily.

Am I able to access medical records/court files/social service files on my case?
Are they able to stop my letterbox contact?
I have requested proof of this diagnosis, am I entitled to this?
Do I have to face the years not knowing if I have harmed my daughter or they are cruely lying to keep me away?

I would like to share, on a brighter note, that my middle children's adoption broke down. Through pure determination and love for my kids I never gave up fighting to stay in their lives. I see them every month. They stay over night (although restricted to 3 times a year) and we are closer then ever.

These people will not break me.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear NBLF,

Welcome to the parents’ forum and thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about everything that you have been through over the past 10 years or more. Congratulations on being clean and sobor for 3 years – this must have taken a huge amount of hard work and determination so I firstly want to acknowledge this achievement.

Your questions are about your youngest child who has been adopted. I will answer them as best as I can below.

Am I able to access medical records/court files/social service files on my case?
You can request access to records for the time that you still had parental responsibility for your daughter. This would be any records which exist up until the date that the adoption order was made. For any records/files created after this date you would not have the right to request these as your parental responsibility was ended.

Are they able to stop my letterbox contact?
Adoptive parents don’t have any legal obligation to continue with any level of contact after an adoption has happened so I’m afraid that yes they can legally stop letterbox contact. Perhaps you could ask children’s services if they could forward on a letter from you to the adoptive parents explaining how important letterbox contact is to you and asking if they would consider re-starting it. It is also possible for a birth parent to apply to the Family Court for post-adoption contact under Section 51a of the Adoption and Children Act 2002. However it is extremely rare for these applications to be successful and it would be important to seek some more legal advice about this if you wanted to consider it.

I have requested proof of this diagnosis, am I entitled to this? Do I have to face the years not knowing if I have harmed my daughter or they are cruely lying to keep me away?
I’m afraid that as you no longer have parental responsibility for your daughter this information does not have to be shared with you. It would only be shared with you if the adoptive parents agree to this (because they are the only people who have parental responsibility). It may be that you will have to face the difficulty of not knowing for sure what diagnosis your daughter has until she is at least 18 (at which point she can share this information with you herself if she decides to do so).

It may be helpful for you to contact PAC UK as they may be able to offer you some more advice and support. They work with birth families of children who have been adopted.

MATCH mothers provide confidential emotional support to mothers who are living apart from their children and may be able to offer you some support. They can be reached on 0800 689 4104.

I hope that this is of some help. Please post again if you have any further queries or you can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Wednesday afternoons.

Best wishes,
Suzie